Info About Pancreatic Cancer & Why It Sucks

An article I found on EndoNurse.com sums up perfectly the overall crapiness of Pancreatic Cancer:

Despite its ranking as the fourth leading cause of cancer death in the U.S., federal research funding on pancreatic cancer topped out last year at $66 million, or 1 percent of the National Cancer Institute’s $4.825 billion budget. A diagnosis of pancreatic cancer can be especially grim and frightening to patients and their loved ones, as the odds of recovery or remission are very low. The one-year mortality rate is a staggering 99 percent and the five-year survival rate is just four percent. Due to the lack of early diagnostic tools that could enable doctors to catch and treat the cancer before it spreads, and because of the limited number of treatment options available, more than 32,000 Americans died from pancreatic cancer in 2005. An additional 33,730 patients will be diagnosed in 2006. (link)

391 Responses to “Info About Pancreatic Cancer & Why It Sucks”

  1. David Says:

    I fucking hate pancreatic cancer. I lost the closest person i ever had. The only person i could hug and feel comforable. The only person who i could drive with while having no destination to reach. I talked about my problems while she talked about hers. That person was my mom. A person who did nothing but try to help anyone she came across. The gayest part of all is that im only 16. I could have had so much more time with her… I makes me believe in the saying “Bad things happen to good people”.

  2. Carol DeAngelo Says:

    PC is the WORST cancer ever! it took my mom from me in a day, she was completely healty one day, the next she was in the hospital and never came back to herself. She suffered for 6 months. People tell me, well, at least you didn’t lose her in an accident, you had time with her. I have to totally disagree. I know she loved me, I would’ve, if I knew of course, would’ve rather never seen her suffer like she did.
    I miss her tons and just lost my dad 2 weeks ago. I”m so glad I know they’re dancing away in heaven together!

  3. Melanie Says:

    Yes pancreatic is so horrible. I just had my son in October and found out early December that my dad had been dx with PC. He had just retired and moved out to Colorado to be around his family. He had no clue the pain he was going through was cancer he thought he was having problems with his stomach again. He was a big guy, but had just lost weight due to his diabetes. It was really hard to see him in pain and so helpless, I have never seen him that way. He had one chemo treatment in December and then was hospitalized 3 days later as the cancer had spread into his lungs. They put him on a ventilator and never came too again. He was gone Jan 4th after we decided to take him off life support. All I hear is well at least it took him fast and he did not have to suffer long. We just felt cheated we thought we had more time not 3 weeks.

    Miss you dad- sorry I could not help you.

  4. ifrgtmyname Says:

    I lost my grandfather to PC. I miss him very much. he was diagnosed and then four days later gone. It happened so fast, i had so much that i would’ve liked to say, but it won’t happen now. I believe that he is somewhere better now smiling down on me. I look forward to seeing him one day. I love you Grandpa.
    P.S. Thx for the word blog.

  5. Tomi Says:

    My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on April 13,2007 and died June 13,2007. My dad fought as hard as he could. He never cried or complained, he fought. The worst part about it was I never got a goodbye because once it took over it took over. My dad was never the same again and he even looked different. I came home from the day to the last day of school having my mom tell me that my dad only had a couple of hours to days left. It was the worst thing I have ever had to see. I will never forget one thing about those last 2 days. As David said I fucking hate pancreatic cancer. Im only 16 years old my dad didnt even get to teach me how to drive. It sucks and its something ill never forget. We always say that my dad had cancer but cancer never had my dad….he will live on forever and touched everyone he has ever met hes missed everyday

  6. Julia Says:

    I also fucking hate pancreatic cancer. I’m 19 and my mom died 3 weeks ago. She battled for 14 months, and never ever gave up. She was and still is the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE and I’m completely lost without her. Now I just cry each time I think of all the things we did together, and how we’ll never do them together again, at least not in this life. I just miss her so, so much. I think about her every single hour and love her .

  7. Tamra Says:

    I, too, fucking hate pancreatic cancer. My mom was diagnosed in March 22, 2007 and died May 11, 2007. I had just gotten engaged when she was diagnosed and am now just a month away from getting married and I miss her terribly. She was so strong and never complained and kept her wonderful sense of humor, although there’s definitely nothing humorous about PC. She was such a giving person. This is such a great site, I just found it by accident. I’m doing a PanCan 5k this weekend in Colorado and will be running for my mom too, in her memory. Let’s all keep up the good fight and raise awareness and money to fight this horrid disease

  8. Donna Says:

    My dad died today of pancreatic cancer, he was diagnosed in 3/07. I dont even know why I am online right now. I just cant believe he is gone. This is the worst cancer & I am shocked that there isnt more research being done on it. There has to be a way to diagnose PC sooner. My thoughts & prayers are with everyone who has been affected with cancer of any kind.

  9. Daniel Says:

    My Dad and best friend died a week and a half ago. His funeral is today. There was so much more left to do and see together. I am still in total disbelief that a man who had so much more left to experience and share was robbed of that opportunity. I have lost both a father and a friend.

    I take great comfort in knowing that he was completely aware just how much I loved him. He died within 10 days of being diagnosed. It feels like I have lost a limb but I am determined to make him proud.

    I love you Dad. I’ll never be far…

    Daniel x

  10. Linda Says:

    I am now going through the hardest time of my life. After reading everyone’s blog I realize how lucky I am to have been able to share these last few months with my mother. She was diagnosed with PC in August and has been living with me and my family since September. She is now in a nursing home and is coming back to our home on Monday. I will cherish this time like no other. I can’t stand to see her cry or in pain. I pray that God will take her before she has to endure anymore of this awful pain. She is the best mom and the kindest lady I have ever known. She has taught me so much and for that I am so thankful. I love her and can’t believe within weeks she will be taken from all of us. I too hate this disease.

    I love you mom, I always will.

    Your devoted daugther,

    Linda

  11. jsmith Says:

    theres no need for them to suffer, there’s morphine. Its hard to let them slip under it but its worth it for their sake. I lost my father a year ago last sunday. I don’t know why I’m typing this either, but its important I suppose. They can be put on a constant pain relief at the end and made comfortable in the UK, which is where I am. They are making progress, its slow but they’re trying. Its the most awful thing to witness, I know.

  12. Crystal Says:

    My dad died two years ago from PC, which I also consider the worst cancer ever. I know comparing cancers is like comparing the holocausts but I never knew a cancer could just eat away at a person before my dad got PC. He was given three months to live after diagnosis but actually lived one year. Two years later, I’m not sure if that’s a gift or not because there was so much pain, even with the morphine. And because he lived so much longer than they expected they had to put him on methadone because he developed such a tolerance to the morphine. I don’t know why I’m online looking up “pancreatic cancer sucks” right now. I guess it’s because I am still grieving after all this time. I have a new baby that my dad never got to meet. I guess all I can do now is try to be as good a parent as my dad so that my child will miss me this much when I’m gone. Pancreatic cancer is just one of life’s hard facts… but all your stories help.
    Thank you.

  13. Clay Patterson Says:

    I too feel so sad. My father was diagosed one week ago with PC after surgery to correct a bile duct obstruction. I am so lost right now. I am sitting here at work just feeling so much symphathy for all others. My Dad is being transferred to Hospice this afternoon and I will be grateful and spend every moment I can listening to his stories and his thoughts. He has been my father and my best friend my whole life. I will miss him so much.

  14. Kasia Says:

    My father has been diagnozed with PC 2 weeks ago after he turned all yellow and felt horrible. The doctors tried to make a surgery on him but aftert they had opened him they could only drain the goal ducts but were unable to conduct a surgery due to the location of the cancer (head, tail and aorta were already cancerous).
    I live in the UsSright now but after i learnt about his condition I flew immediately to Poland to spend some time with him and arrange for private medical care after he gets released home.
    I am so sad as h was very unlucky with his life:first he was diagnosed with kidney cancer, but got it operated 8 years ago, meanwhile his wife has passed away of lung cancer and now him having PC. It is too much to handle! Why does this great man have to suffer so much?
    Noone will ever answer this question.
    I do not want him to suffer but do not want him to die soon either.

  15. Bev Says:

    Hi Everyone!

    Yep, this PC is awful. My mother has been in the hospital for the past week…dx in July. Too far gone for surgery, now she is medicated, with swollen feet, her abdomen is huge. It’s tough seeing her suffer. For her sake, I will be glad when it’s finally over.

  16. Clay Patterson Says:

    My father passed away from PC at my house 3 and 1/2 weeks after DX. I still cant believe how fast the decline was. I can only tell people that the home Hospice we had here in Waddell,AZ was the greatest bunch of people I have ever met in my life. I cant say enough about how compassionate and understanding and supportive the were, true Angels and Hero’s. Rest peacefully Dad! I will miss you till we meet again.
    Love

    Clay

  17. Ashley Says:

    My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer a couple of months ago. My parents were divorced, and I lived with him in my home state. My grandparents lived in England, and my mom lived in California. When I was little, my dad got remarried to my step mom and step brother. But after 6 years, they got a divorce. I was lonely without my stepbrother, but I always had my dad. We used to go on walks together and go pet and cuddle the kittens on my neighbor’s doorstep. He used to be pretty big, but he took up running and lost close to 100 pounds. Then my dad got a new girlfriend. She was a runner too. She was very nice, and we had alot in common. She even had a son I could hang out with. However, last summer when I was visiting my mom, my dad got Pancreatic Cancer. But he was such a generous person, that he didn’t tell me. He didn’t want to ruin my Summer with my mom. When I got back, I saw him. He had lost a lot more weight, but this time he was fragile and frail. But I knew by looking at his smile that it was really him. I did everything for him for the next few months. Tucked him in, made him soup, and rubbed lotion on his dry arms. Then he went into hospice. Everyone had flown down; my mom, my grandparents, his girlfriend. We sat by him for his last hours. I held his hand and promised him that I would make good grades. I told him that I loved him, and that god was going to take good care of him in Heaven. I miss him so much; he was my everything. After that, I had to leave my friends, my school, my town, my house, my state, and my dad’s girlfriend. I now live in California with my mom. I was watching a show the other day, and some pscychic said that people from heaven were sending feathers to their loved ones. I thought all that pscychic stuff was silly untill a few feeks later, I looked down and there was a little white feather in my hand. It’s quite odd, and I don’t know if it happens to other people, but now every once in a while, a little white feather just comes out of nowhere, and I know that it’s him, smiling down at me from Heaven.
    I love you Daddy and I can’t wait to see you when we are united again.
    Love,
    Ashley

  18. Lisa Says:

    My dad was diagnosed in August 07 and we are watching him fade away before our eyes. He has made peace with his God and thankfully this is giving him comfort. I am so scared at the rate he is declining and am terrified for what is to come. This illness has given our family this amazing sense of love, we were never really open with our feelings but it has changed all that. As hard as what it is watching Dad, my heart breaks for Mum, they were going to have their 50th anninversary in November, they had made such special plans. It is so tough to read all the stories but somehow brings comfort as you really feel like your family is the only one. Dad continually tells us not to worry, he is going to beat this disease but it is obvious he will fight the battle just not win the war. Tonight it all feels too much, my heart feels like it is going to break.

  19. Linda Says:

    I lost my Dad in November 2007 to Pancreatic Cancer as well. My heart is still aching from the loss. As I sit here and type this I can’t help but think of all the wonderful time spent with him. My Dad was proof that there are living angels on earth…he was one of them. My Dad had been carrying a cross for the last 34 years of his life. He broke his back at the age of 35 and endured many painful years of agony as numerous surgeries failed to correct his problem. Along the road he had many health issues which including the constant back pain were ongoing stomach & bowl problems for which he was hospitalized quite frequently for. He developed prostate cancer 8 years ago and won that battle. However, in December 2006 was diagnosed with Diabetes and lost so much weight. In March of 2007 it was discovered that he had a growth in his stomach which was causing him to have trouble eating. After many tests and finally surgery it was discovered that it was his pancreas that was causing the discomfort and unfortunately it had spread too far. This was June 2007 when we received the very sad news that my Dad had Pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live. He suffered so much, but through it all still managed to be strong for all of us. He was and still is an amazing man, I just wish that my children where able to spend more time with him. He was a great teacher…a love like no other.

    I love you Daddy…til we meet again.

  20. Elenor Says:

    My grandmother passed away after a 6 month battle with PC, about 2 months ago, on Feb. 3, 2008. I never thought that 6 months could go by SO fast. In August she had been having stomachaches, etc. We just though it was something small, cancer had never crossed our minds. My grandma was probably the healthiest person I know. A week later, the pain was still there, as she was also getting jaundice. They took tests and sure enough, there was the STUPID pancreatic cancer. It was so sad; every month, then week, then day, she got weaker and weaker and weaker and more & more tired. Until she could no longer walk. My grandma was 5’7 and around 87 pounds at the time she died. I remember the last time I saw her she gave me and my siblings all necklaces that said, “We are connected, love grandma” I had never cried in front of her before about the cancer, and so when I started crying I hid behind my sister. She asked me to come and give her a hug. When we said goodbye I said, “I’ll See you later grandma, love you.” Thinking that I would see her again. And i did. But the next time we went to see her she was unable to talk…and was almost like in a sleep but couldn’t wake up. (Anyone know what I’m talking about?) In all, if anyone who is reading this has lost someone to pancreatic cancer, or any cancer i am very sorry. I know exactly what you went through. And to anyone who knows someone who is living with this cancer, try and spend as much time as possible with them. For the time goes by way, way, too fast. Peace to all. May God be with you

  21. ccinmd Says:

    hello to all,

    my heart felt support goes out to everyone who has experienced and survived witnessing this horrible cancer. My sister-in-law was dx 12-31-08.
    She was admitted into a hospice house on Tuesday. What Wonderful professionals.
    I am familiar with the loss of loved ones, but I have never witnessed such a cruel disease. Cindy has not eaten since last Sunday. She only sips water to keep her mouth moist. She can not converse. Her color is very yellow because her liver is beginning to shut down from the PC that moved to the liver. What an incredibly helpless feeling.
    Cindy is 56, has three adult children, two brothers, a sister, and parents who love her so much. This waiting for death….is indescribable, as you know. Peace to all….. Let you spirit soar
    cc

  22. Jillian Says:

    Gosh. These stories are so sad. I sympathize with all of you who have lost loved ones to PC. I just came here because my neighbor was diagnosed recently. She’s around 65 and is given between 2 weeks and 2 months to live. Looking across the street now, her driveway is flooded with cars. Losing a neighbor that I really don’t know doesn’t compare with losing a close friend or family member, but at least you can know that your loved one was surrounded by friends and relatives before they left. I think the really sad cases are the ones in which a person dies alone in a hospital, with no one to remember them.

  23. Shannon Says:

    My father passed away on September 14th 2007 at the age of 56. He was diagnosed on July 14 and exactly two months later he died. He was a tremendous, intelligent and caring father that never stopped loving his three girls. There is not a day that goes buy, where I think of him, feel his presence or remember him. He is always with me, passed on through others kindness, through the Monarch Butterflies and through LOVE. I feel everyones pain, and I understand just how precious life is now……..I miss you daddy, BUT, I know you are still here! Be strong everyone….

  24. Karen Says:

    My father passed away from pancreatic cancer March 30, 2008. I miss him so much. He was amy anchor when my husband passed away from colon cancer three years ago at the age of 55. My Dad broke his hip in June of 2007. He never got to go home again. He was 88 years old. He was on morphine every hour at the end. My brother, sister, my daughter and I talked to him before he died. We told him it was okay to let go. We told him we would take care of my mom. He couldn’t talk or open his eyes but he moved his mouth and raised and lowered his eyebrows. We told him it was okay to go home to be with the Lord. He passed away at 6:25 a.m. that Sunday morning. I will always love you Daddy and I will see you again when it is my time to come home to our Lord and Savior. We are taking care of Mom so don’t worry. We will be okay.

  25. JM Says:

    My mother passed away from pancreatic cancer when i was 8 years old. its actualy a quite heat warming story despite the not to good outcome. I am 18 years old now and she passed about 10 years ago. She was first diagnosed after my brother was born (i have 3 brothers) 3 years before i was born. She went through the chemo sessions and the doctors told her that she had less than 2 months to live, after about 4(ish) months the cancer seemed to become stable and no longer growing and it was at this point that surgery and yet more chemo therapy seemed to have magicly “cured” her. The cancer seemed to have dissappeared off the face of the earth, or so she thought. Two years later i was born!! She, on and off from when i was about 3 till i was about 7 expeperienced bouts of unexplainable illnesses. Just after i turned 8 years old she became very very ill with something that doctors couldnt explain and claimed wasnt cancer. After more and more and more testing it turned up that it WAS cancer and that it had relapsed and taken over everything. I remember one specific night, the night she passed away. She was home in my house and the family was over. My father called all four of us boys, ages 8-11-14-15, up into his room. And he told us what our mother had just told him. She said “i have lasted 10 years, fought all i can, and raised 4 lovely boys, i cant hold on much longer” and he told us all that he would have alot of explaining to do over the next few days but we needed to say goodbye to her. As all four of us and my father sat on her bed and she told us she loved us you could see the tears of pain and agony running down her face. and my father said stop crying and “let go and let god” and there, at that moment, she passed away. It was THE MOST moving thing I WILL EVER experience in my life. And my father had told me that over the past few weeks she had been saying that she wasnt going to last much longer that she was getting weak and couldnt fight much longer. He went on to tell us about how he told her that he was meerly “someone in the corner of the ring in this heavy weight boxing match that she, not he, was fighting” (a “paulie” from rocky) He said that he told her he would do everything he could, spend every dollar untill she said enough. And explained that she had told him “enough”. I cant even begin to explain the feelings of emotion that i feel from this. Most of it prowess and smiles but still with a feeling of loss. I tell my story to try and add a sense of reality to the topic of cancer. No matter how unfortunate the circumstances there is always a lesson to be learned and no matter how great the odds seem against you there is always a “crack, or seem” of goodness. She survived 10 years! Created Me! Sure, she could have given up the first go around. And i wouldnt have happend. So me being a SOMEWHAT (aka go to church on holidays, maybe here and there regularly) catholic believe that everything happens for a reason and that allthough somthing may be destined to happen the strength of will can still change the future.

    I hope you may all too see things in a different light. Good Luck

  26. David Says:

    My mom was diagnosed with pc 3 weeks ago, lost her last night… she was my everything, my friend, mother, advisor… I miss her so much… life will be hard without her… feel like I’m dreaming all this…

  27. Monica Says:

    On May 19th 2005 my father passed away from PC. It is a horrible horrible disease and I hate to hear of anyone else having it. They tried to tell us that he would go peacefully but that was so not the case…I am a nurse and I have never seen anyone go as violently as he did. I miss my daddy every single day and it has almost been three years. I also lost a friend to PC Dave Panella…I used to talk to him about my dad and he was so wonderful to talk to. I am tired of there being so little research and funding for this horrible beast…I guess a president hasnt died of it yet so it gets too little attention. I am bitter about it and the hospice we had was awful…I wanted to knock them out…I took care of him though and I know that he knows that I love him…I miss and love you daddy…

  28. John Says:

    None of you are alone, believe me. When such a terrible disease strikes someone you love so dearly, we often have nowhere else to run but the internet. Too all of you who have or have lost someone to pancreatic cancer, at this very moment, day after day, I feel for you. I lost my Father Dennis to Pancreatic cancer in September of 2007. I just got out of the Army 2 years before and became best friends with him until this nasty, bitch fucking cancer tore him away from me, his grandson and entire family. Every time I think about him, all I can do is shake my head. I too hate pancreatic cancer. I fucking miss you, man.

  29. Crystal Says:

    I posted a few months ago and came back here today because I thought about my Dad really hard today… about my visits with him while he was getting sicker and sicker. This page is such a comfort, because I know you all hate pancreatic cancer as much as I do. It’s much more heartfelt when you know someone knows exactly what you went through. My dad, Frank, was a wonderful person who died January 21, 2006 while I whispered in his ear “You will always be my favorite guy.”

    I honor him and all of your loved ones tonight.

    CCC

  30. Jules Says:

    Just wanted to say this cancer steals people from us way too damned young. My daughters lost their grandpa to this. He used to drive 3 hours to see them dance in a recital for 5 minutes. The last smile he gave anyone he gave to them. They still cry about him once a week and it’s been almost a year. God I wish we could do research with stem cells to make progress on this ugly and wicked beast. Bless you.

  31. Cathy Says:

    God bless to all who have lost loved ones to this desbicable disease. Right now I’m on the internet trying to find some answers on how to make my sister in law more comfortable. She was dx in April. I think hospice might help but how do you bring it up? She lost her younger sister to PC last year, apparently it runs in her family. How bad does that suck. Just last year she was taking care of her sister so now she knows exactly what is going to happen to her….it is almost too much to bear.

  32. Judy Giles Says:

    All cancer is evil, but Pancreatic cancer is the most cruel – I am 49 and just lost my beautiful Mum yesterday at 2.50am. She IS my best friend and I am utterly devastated. After 8 months of ‘stupid’ investigations they finally did a CT scan – result PC stage 1V diagnosed on 24th Aug 2007, Mum was given weeks. My Mum endured a chemo trial and hundreds of needles in her arms for my sake, she fought stoically and courageously. I watched my 80 year old Mum who was a ‘young’ fit and healthy lady deteriorate to a shell, on Tuesday night she was in agony and I was sobbing with helplessness. Mum was breathless and ached everywhere, she didn’t know where to put herself. I watched her die, she kept saying my name over and over and told me she was sorry as she didn’t think she was going to get over this – it was not ‘peaceful’ and I cannot get the last images out of my head. My dear beloved Mum………..life is so empty………….

    Yes you’re right – someone said – bad things do happen to good people – my Mum was kind and gentle and always thinking of others, she is my soul mate.

    I think Pancreatic Cancer shoule be highlighted more as not many people know what a killer it is.
    God Bless all of you who have suffered as I am suffering now. xxxxx God Bless you Mum – I love you with all my heart xxx

  33. nicole harrigan Says:

    My dad was diagnosed with PC 18th April 08 and passed away 19th May 08. 1 day and 1 month he lived. I am still coming to terms that he is no longer here and that he had to die the way he did. He was 66 years old, fit and ate all the right foods. There needs to be more research made into this disease as once it gets hold of you there is no time for anything. He didnt even get a chance of having chemo. We were told he had 3 – 6 months to live, not even close. Although I live interstate from my family we saw each other every 6 – 8 weeks for a week or two at a time. My two boys almost 3 (twins) were the apple of my dad’s eyes, vica versa. This is one of the saddest things about it, is all he wanted to do was to see the boys turn 21. We had only been down there to visit 2 weeks before. He was admitted to hospital on the Thursday as he was having trouble breathing, from Thursday til we got there Sunday he had detiorated terribly. He fought all the way til the end, never shed a tear. He waited til we got there to see the boys for one last time. He passed 27 hours after my arrival with my mum, my neice and I by his side. I will never forget how much I wanted him to just go to sleep and no longer be in pain. I feel for all of you who have lost and who have this terrible disease.
    Rest now dad, love you allways xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  34. Donna Says:

    Like everyone else, I too lost my mother to PC. She had been a diabetic for over 30 years and controlling her sugar level was a nightmare,but she tried as best she could. My mother passed on May 27th,2008. We knew she she wasn’t feeling well and complaining about her back and the pain,but we thought she had pulled a muscle from a recent vacation. We took her to the ER and the next day they did a CT scan and found a 6mm lump in her liver. They wanted a biopsy,but her blood was too thin. They gave her 8 bags of plasma over three days and then they decided to transfer her to a major university hospital. The biopsy was done on a Friday,she was released on Saturday to a nursing home. On Sunday,my father saw a vision from God and got her home that day. She died at home in her bed 2 days later. The sad part is no doctor ever confirmed pancreatic cancer until after her death. The results came back the day she died. A hospice nurse that was working at the hospital told me that my mother was terminally ill and that the doctors would not tall me until they were 100% sure. She knew,as she had seen the chart and was a hospice nurse for 8 years. I thanked her,called my sisters,told my dad and from that day forward until she died we did anything she needed and never left her alone. I never told her she was dying because I knew she couldn’t handle it. My mom waited for my sister coming from Missouri to drive into the driveway in AZ. She glanced at her,opened her eye and gave three last breaths I will never forget the sound. She never cried about the pain. I am glad that God answered my one paryer: The Monday night before she passed,I told him I knew he had to take her,but please do not make her suffer and do it soon. Within 24 hours she was gone. I know he has her and she is cancer and pain free. Intresting and yet confusing and I may never have an answer. My mom was having a conversation with my dad and in mid sentence she told him the pain was bad and then she went unconsciouness. The coroner ruled heart failure,but she didn’t have any symptoms of a heart attack. She just closed her eyes and went into very shallow breaths until my sister came into the room,which was a minute or two after closing her eyes. I truly believe she waited to make sure my sister was home safely and then when she knew,she let go and God brought her home. Life is difficult and I am guessing only time can help. I have emotions running through my head that I never knew I had. Amazing how people take life for granted and all we want is another day with the one we lost.

  35. janie Says:

    bbfb

  36. Marilyn Says:

    I just read the story about Randy Paush and it brought me to tears. In 2 days it will be 2 years that my wonderful father died. He was diagnosed in June of 2006 and died in July 2006 – I only got a few weeks to say goodby to such a wonderful man. I think not a moment goes by that my family misses him. He was so much a part of our lives. In that year, I must say God did bless me with sharing special moments with him. I bought him for Christmas a ticket to the Food Network Food and Wine festival. He loved to cook and learn new things. I never saw him so happy. We truly enjoyed that event and it is something I will always carry in my heart. Also, that March he decided to take the day off and go to Grandparents day at my children’s school. He always worked so hard when we were growing up, but was always there for the us and the grandkids. I like to think that God told him to spend some “quality time” with my mom and my children. I have a picture of my parents with my 2 beautiful children on that day. My dad has a big smile and the four of them are so happy. It is one of my favorite pictures. I also have the last family portrait taken only 2 months before he died. We celebrated my son’s First Communion. The whole family was there and it was a special day – Again I thank God for those memories. I must agree that Pancreatic Cancer SUCKS – but my father believed that he lived a good life and faced his death with dignity. One day he was talking and the next he just fell asleep. I can only hope to have such a peaceful death when facing a truly painful and horrible disease. We thougth he had 6 months so I had to go away for work. But towards the end of 2 weeks of training, I had to rush home because the Dr’s said he was going to die any day. I had 7 days to tell him that I was so proud that he was my Dad. He said why, he was just an ordinary man, and I said no he wasn’t. I must say that both he and us expected a long, painful death. But again God was smiling on him and allowed him to have little pain and just fall asleep with all his family beside him. Even after almost 2 years, I still cry. I cry even writing this knowing that he will never see his 3rd grandchild, or see my daughter start High School and my son Middle School next year. However, we have had some positive come out of this. My brother decided after 15 years of marriage to have a child. He told my father of their plans before he died. I think that my dad’s illness put things into perspective for them. I also believe, that my Dad is our guardian angel and looking after us. Even though my sister-in-law is considered a high risk pregnancy, she has had an easy time and is due in October. It will be a boy, and now the family name will live on. I hope he looks like my dad. I know that my son has so much of him, it makes me think that he is still around. He loves to give hugs and tell you he loves you, just like my father use to. I think at times that it is partly my dad giving me the hugs too. My daughter also misses my dad so much. Even after 2 years sleeps with my father’s last shirt in her bed, just to feel him around. She even makes sure that my mom is not lonely and goes over and spends the night often. It is just a testiment to the fact that my father and mother were always there for us. It kills me that so little money is spent to cure the 4TH LEADING CANCER. – How many more beautiful people have to die before more is done to cure this.

  37. Lan Nguyen Says:

    My mother was dx’ed in July ’06. We did catch it early; I’m unsure the good that did. She was feeling normal when they dx’ed her, but after the chemo and radiation and then the whipple surgery, she just wasn’t the same. She wouldn’t let the disease best her though, she beat the stats and lasted for a little over 2 years. Not once during that time did I see her cry over her cancer. My mother was the type of person who was always running around doing something. And she LOVED cooking. I watched this vibrant woman become a shell…listlessly wondering around the house, mindlessly munching away on her sunflower seeds…about a month before she died, she stopped cooking. Even a year into her cancer, she would stay up all night to cook…a month ago, she just didn’t care. I played Martha to her. I ran around trying to make sure all her needs were met, that she was comfortable. I freaked out when near her death she chewed her digestive enzyme capsules. I was afraid she’d get mouth ulcers. Ironically, she died the next day. I wish instead that I just sat with her, and we could’ve remembered the good times together. I could’ve asked her more about her childhood in Vietnam. Or how it was when she first came to the States. I could’ve helped her smile more. When she died, she was so small in my arms. As a child, she seemed so big in every way. Over the past 2 years, I’ve learned to thank God for the small miracles. I’m very grateful that my brother and I were with her in the end. I got to tell her that everything was ok now.

    My heart hurts for the people who were so young when their loved one died. You’re forced to grow up very quickly. I’m 26 now, and I felt so alone; so I understand.

    For those going through this now, please remember take every day as a blessing, even if it’s a bad one. Let the small things that don’t matter go. Do you best to help them retain their dignity and independence. And do whatever you can to help them smile, and smile with them. Even if it’s through tears.

  38. Kate Says:

    If someone you love has PC, cherish every possible moment with them.
    Don’t leave it till later as there may not be a later.
    Mam began chemo in May.
    Her scans in June showed that the cancer was still contained in the pancreas.
    Chemo was to be continued indefinitely to halt the spread as long as possible.
    We were told that, based on the scan results, she had closer to 12 months than previously thought..
    However, 26 days ago she fell asleep and never woke up
    Mam simply slipped away peacefully, sleeping beside the man she loved for 48 years of marriage.
    It seems that cause of death may have been kidney failure.
    We never saw that coming.
    She had regained her appetite and had started to regain weight and, while obviously a very frail and sick woman living on a cocktail of medication, she had such spirit hope and fight in her, that we had started to believe that we may even get to spend another Christmas with her.
    It seemed possible that she may be one of the lucky few who survive for that little bit longer.

    We should and will be comforted by the fact that she died peacefully, at home, but we just didn’t get enough time and were not aware that other factors rather than cancer spread could take her.

    Make the most of every precious moment.

    X K

  39. Sandra Says:

    My husband became jaundice in May 2008, went through the “Whipple” surgery July 9th, 2008 and started chemo September 2008.

    Before surgery the Dr. told us he would have about 3-5 years to live if he had the surgery.
    After the surgery it went to 2-3 years … and now that we are working with an oncologist at a different hospital, we are being told 17 – 21 months

    My husband seems to have accepted this “death sentence” quite well. It’s me that is not dealing with this very well. After 18 years of being with one person and the thoughts of being left alone really sucks.

    I am scared for him and what the final days are like.

    It’s obvious from reading the stories on this site that there isn’t much hope in “beating the odds” … It’s so sad.

    Prayers for everyone here and to those that have PC …

  40. Ron Says:

    My wife was diagnosed on October 2, 2008 with PC. She just completed her fifth year of surviving breast cancer in January only to have a new cancer (PC) present itself. Having gone thru hard chemo previously, she has opted not to do chemo now. Instead she is trying to watch her nutrition, take daily supplements and is currently doing the zango juice 21 day challenge since her coworkers bought a 21 day challenge supply for her. We aren’t really very optimistic about the out come. We planning to travel to see her family over the next few weeks and then plan on going to Florida to watch the space shuttle launch in November. Currently, she feels moderately well but her pain varies from day to day. The Dr says my wife will likely survive 6 months as she is 51 and rather fit otherwise. We hope so but the reality is very uncertain. Our prayer are for all who has or is experiencing this dreadful disease. I will try to keep you updated this disease takes it’s toll on both of us.

  41. Alexa Says:

    My grandpa and grandma both died of pancreoic cancer! i know how you all feel its horrible to see the people you love have to suffer. my grandma was 130 pounds before she was diagnosed and the doctors said she was less than 50 ponuds when she passed. my mom, aunt, and unlce are all being tested for it because both my grandparents had it which is extremely where i am also being tested for it. I am sixteen years old and this has taken a very hard toll on everyone in my family. the doctors said smoking and eating read meats will trigger this cancer for me if i have the gene. this is the worse possible cancer. the good news is for myself that i will be checked every year for it and this way they can detect it eraly and immediatly remove it they are also using my family to study it so hopefully there will be a cure soon! i wish you all the best and i am truely sorry for your losses.

  42. Alexa Says:

    extremely rare* not where sorry.

  43. Bill Says:

    My wonderful 80 year old father was diagnosed 20 days ago with stage IV PC that was already in his liver-3 months left is what the Doctors are saying. 4 months ago he was fit & full of life; now Im just watching this horrible disease eat him up. I still cannot come to terms with this as I love my parents with all my heart, they are the kindest most decent people I know. My heart goes out to all of the folks who share their losses on this site. Im so afraid of the suffering he will endure as the first round of Chemo hasnt done anything. I will be a different person when this comes to its horrible conclusion and worry so much about my mom who will be losing her husband of 58 years. Some people tell me “Well at least he lived to 80″-maybe someday I will appreciate that fact however its utterly no consolation at this stage.

  44. Julia Says:

    I’m sitting here with my 50 year old mother now… in her final hours or days of life. She was diagnosed in October of 2007. After being told that the cancer was inoperable, we knew we had a battle ahead of us. The chemotherapy turned my energetic, musclular, vibrant mother into a frail, confused, tired stranger. She was always in pain – nothing prescribed worked for her. Most medications put her to sleep, which caused her to be depressed because she was missing out on life. I’m angry and I’m sorrowful. My mother was always a good person – putting others ahead of herself. She struggled all her life to make ends meet and when she finally was able to live comfortably – she’s diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. That’s so unfair.
    I’m venting on this site because no one around me knows what it’s like to litterally watch a loved one die. This is horrible – the way pancreatic cancer makes a person suffer. The only peace I’m finding is that my mom is on a morphine drip, 13 ml/hour – keeping her sleep, which means she’s not in pain.

    I will miss my mother so much!

  45. joanna Says:

    its hard to read all the sad message here, but you must remember that you did have time to spend with your loved ones. my husband was dianosed with pc on aug 7th and it is the worst day of all life. he had 6 chemos that didnt work and is now on taxol that knocks your dick in the dirt. pc does suck big time. we had a new cat scan dec 24 and results on the 26th. doc said that his tumors on the liver have shrunk and labs look good. so a bit of time off to regain strenth and then a new round of taxol. 6 hr infusion is gruling for my husband, but the challange to live is real. we are expecting our first grandbaby in feb. a goal is set and the baby will be named ‘vida’ life…………

  46. joanna Says:

    life is unfair at times and we will never under stand how or why we are picked to suffer. it is sad to watch your loved one suffer so much and become frail from the poison which are perscribed. i offer wonder if it is the right thing to do but its not up to me. my husband is a true hero as well as all the others who put themselve through this to live. our children love him so much. he has alway been a great and wonderful father and husband. it really difficult to think that it times like this that we all come together for strenth. life is short its hard to always live it as if it your last.
    i can only hope that i will be loved as much as all the rest. its so sad to watch and wish we could all make it go away and wake from this nightmare. remember to love hard and live well…………… no regrets

  47. allen Says:

    my mom passed away sept 15 2008 age of 53 to pc it was a short battle we found out about 2 week prior to passing away. i am only 34 and i lost my dad to heart disease in jan 2005 at the age of 48 and i am an only child. yes i have a wife but it still hurts to see your parents pass away so young. it is say to see there is no hope to pc. i wish that all of us could live a full happy life. my mom and dad are still in my heart every day and i think of them every day. i just wish you still could see them and talk to them and they could still talk to you back.

  48. Bill Says:

    Chalk up one more to this horrible disease; after a 54 day battle (A very one sided one) my father died in my arms today at exactly 12:00 noon. He had been comatose after an extreme pain episode 9 days ago; he briefly stirred last friday and kissed my cheek. He passed at home with his wife of 58 years at his side; I still cannot believe less than 90 days ago he passed a physical with flying colors and was very active and loved his life with my Mom.

    Im still in shock as I write this however I can say in my 42 years of life I have yet to find anything that sucks as bad as PC. Chemo didnt do anything except make him sicker; the whole mentality from the day of diagnosis was essentially “Your dead” from the medical community.

  49. Tara Says:

    I lost my father, my mentor, and my dearest friend on January 16, 2009.
    Growing up, I always believed that my father could do anything. He was so adept at fixing things, playing tunes on the piano even though he had never had lessons, making the best blueberry pancakes, and loving his family with all of his heart. I knew what the statistics were with pancreatic cancer, but I thought this is my dad, he’ll beat it. Knowing reality is different from accepting it. My dad did everything he could to fight it. It was heartwrenching to see my father in excruciating pain. My mom, my two sisters, and I were there with my dad at Hospice. During that week, my dad would periodically awake from his morphine, and while he was awake he would tell us how proud he was of us and how much he loved us. I miss my dad so much. I was very lucky to have had such a loving, patient, generous, father who also had a great sense of humor. I am so proud he was my father.

  50. Sarah Says:

    I just lost my grandfather yesterday to PC after being diagnosed a week after Christmas, just 2 months ago. Your stories have been really helpful-about a week after his diagnosis I moved to Africa for the semester, and have been unable to grieve with my family. It is comforting to know there are people who know how you feel. About a week ago, before I knew he had such little time, I sent him a letter with all of the things I needed to say. A few days later, I found out he would only live for 1-2 more days. Miraculously, my letter got there the day he died, taking only 5 days instead of the usual 2-3 weeks to arrive. He was able to grasp it in his hand before he died.
    Kind regards and prayers.

  51. Shelly Says:

    I lost my dad October 30, 2008 @ 12:10 pm to PC. He was dx September 9, 2008. We was told that he had 3-6 months and if he did chemo he might add on another 3-6 months. He did his first chemo Sept 19, 2008 – ended up in the ER for two blood clots in the lungs on Sept. 22, 2208. We knew something was wrong a year ago. But, he wouldn’t listen to our pleas to go to the doctor, then. He knew something was wrong – he didn’t want to worry us. At least he gave me away at my wedding on July 25, 2008. He was a hard working man. He was a year away from his second retirement. He never used a day of sick in his 35 years working. I think about him every day. He adopted me when I was 12, yet raised me since I was 9 months old. We did almost everything together. My mom – I just don’t know how to help her through this. I’m so lost and I feel so helpless. Every thing has changed. I’m just glad that my dad had us there to help him through his passing. It does suck and the hurt I feel is so ugly. It is a really bad cancer and I hate the “C” word. It took our foundation to our family and I want him back so bad.
    For all of you with PC, I love you and I’m so sorry.

  52. Joel Says:

    I lost my dad on December 30, 2008 to pancreatic cancer. He fought very hard for seven months, but in the end the cancer was too much. My condolences to all of the people on this site who have been touched by this horrible disease.

  53. Julie Says:

    My mom died from pancreatic cancer on October 23, 2007. She lived for 3 and a half years after dx and I’m so grateful I was able to spend so much time with her. I know what hurt her the most emotionally was not being able to watch her grandchildren grow up. My mom was the bravest person I knew and I think about her every day.

  54. Tracey de Beer Says:

    My Mum is in Hospice dying of PC and i cant be there for my Sistier who is There 24/7 taking care of her
    I spent 4 days this week with her saying my good byes and bathing her what a pleasure it was to bath her even though she was so sensitive to touch due to all the meds she is on.
    The last time i saw her she was skinny able to walk, Now her body is like someone has sucked out all her life and muscle . Not able to walk eat or do anything but either lay in bed or sit in a chair
    I ask God to take her home and let her leave her body
    To all the people out there looking after anyone with PC i am so proud of you all, you all are so brave and wonderful
    Yes this cancer is the worst for everyone
    Love to all
    God bless you

  55. Terri Says:

    When I was 18 my dad died of PC; now, 20 years later, my mom has it. Can you imagine caring for a PC patient, as many of you have, watch him turn to skin and bone and die in four months, knowing about the pain, and then getting it yourself? I was shocked to learn that little progress had been made with this disease in 20 years. I am living my worst nightmare. I’m hoping, with the more recent celebrity and/or high profile PC victims that have brought attention to the disease, more dollars will be spent to battle this relentless killer.

  56. Dale Says:

    My Dad of PC in 1987 and then on April 14th my Mom was diagnosed with PC. She died 30 days later, with the last 3 weeks in the hospital. Horrible cancer. I feel for all that have to go through this experience.

  57. Craftola Says:

    My Dad got the “plague” and fought so hard…he lasted 3 and 1/2 years, with about 1 year of hope (remission). At the end, his tumor grew to where you could see it protruding. ( The Drs. said what we saw was just the tip of the iceberg of what was inside) He fought until the day he died. I wish I would have had the sense to say more to him while he was here…..I was in denial that he would really leave us… He was always my hero and his bravery thru that horrible disease has made him even more so. I love you, Dad….I think about you every day……

  58. Cheryl Says:

    My mom died of Pancreatic cancer after a 10 week battle. She had just turned 78 years old. She had been a total health nut for the past 25 years. She ate healthy, exercised, rarely had a drink, didn’t smoke. She had not one risk factor for this dreaded disease. Still this cancer got her. Once diagnosed she was never the same again. The oncologist recommended hospice from the get go. She did try two chemo treatments but became deathly ill. Her funeral is tomorrow. She had been busy planning her 60th high school reunion three months ago. I am her only daughter, age 47. It should be easier at my age but it is not. I have just one brother. He also lost his father-in-law five days ago. It has been a lot for our family. My brother found out our mom died just as he was going into his father’in’laws funeral.

  59. Patrick Says:

    My sister died May 26, 2009, after being diagnosed June 4, 2008, and fighting like hell for over 11 months. She was a teacher, finished the 2nd semester in June 2008, was sick all summer, then went back to work and continued to teach until Easter 2009, all the time going to chemo and being in terrible pain, despite all the different pain meds she tried. We spent the last two weeks of her life in a hospice hospital, where she had so much morphine and atavan that she couldn’t speak anymore or even rise to consciousness. I am heartbroken and sad every day; I didn’t even know where the pancreas was until this happened. Now I HATE pancreatic cancer. It has stolen my best and only friend in all the world, at only 51 years of age.

  60. Kath Lister Says:

    My dad died when I was 9 of pancreatic cancer. He went from being a big, beautiful, jolly and invincible man into being a skeleton and dying in 9 months. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks later. She lived for another 20 years, then died – of pancreatic cancer – in 2004 at age 56. We have the BRCA 2 gene in my family, passed down from my mum. I am the only one to text negative for BRCA2, but I am so worried for my sister who has this terrible gene and has already had a voluntary mastectomy to reduce her breast cancer risk.
    Pancreatic cancer took my dad, my mum (who i nursed for 4 months – and it was utterly horrific) and I’m terrified it will take other family members.

  61. Pierre Says:

    I lost my dear wife Donna on march 27 2009 after a three month battle, I know ant you are feeling. She was only 52, much to young to die, this such a cruel cancer, my life will never be the same. Maybe someday soon their will be some screenig for PC, chemo is useless. Donna only recieced five treatments before going into a coma, this cancer took her so fast she didn’t even have a chanse to say goodby this sucks so bad. Knowing our loved one are no longer in pain is the only thing we can hold on to, that and the great memories we made for 35 years.

  62. Mary Says:

    Pancreatic Cancer took my sister, a great, sweet, good person. It was quick, about 5 months. The horrible thing about pancreatic cancer is the odds of survival, once you read about it, you feel there is no hope & you start to realize that it is a death sentence. I cried every day for months for my sister thinking how can anyone deal with this every morning, waking up knowing you are dying. How could she face her children, knowing she will never see them married, never see her grandkids. However, she was stong, much stronger than I. I miss her so much it is impossible to convey.

    I am sorry for all who are dealing with this horrific cancer. My sister had hospice services, it was a godsend, they are the most wonderful people. She was able to pass in her own home, her children were there for her & her passing was pain free and peaceful.

  63. Denise Says:

    My mom is dying of pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed in April 2009 and went to MD Anderson for chemo treatments. Nothing worked and the cancer grew. She now has 6 months to a year – but who knows. She is deteriorating so quickly it could be any day. It is devastating to our family and I look at her wondering what she ever did to deserve this… There are so many terrible people in this world and so few as wonderful as my mother has always been. I know we should not wish ill on others – but why not them instead of her? She is in her early 60′s and I thought whe would be around another 25+ years. Religion has always been important in her life, but I hear her praying to God and I feel let down by him. She always calls him “Heavenly Father” and I think that what father would want his child to suffer so? How will I go on? How will I forgive this terrible crime against an innocent follower. I am heart sick.

  64. Denise Says:

    My mom died last night. Diagnosed in April and gone at the beginning of October. So fast and so heartbreaking. We are devastated, but will heal from this loss. We wouldn’t want her to continue to suffer, so now she is at peace.

  65. Dawn Says:

    my dad died Tue Sep 22, 2009, only 7 days after diagnosis and he had only been sick for about 4-6 weeks prior. We are all devastated and still in denial and we just can’t believe it, it’s like a bad dream, like he’s just in the other room or gone to the store. It’s just so hard having to watch your love one die and you are helpless to stop it. There’s only one thing I’m grateful for and that he’s now at peace, this brings me some comfort.
    RIP dad.
    God Bless…

  66. Allison Says:

    My mom died of PC on August 26. She was diagnosed July 1st. Her last three weeks were spent in the hospital in terrible pain. She was too weak to move to hospice. I cannot believe how rapidly she declined and how the doctors could not relieve her pain, even with all the medication they had. My memories of her in the hospital haunt me- she wasn’t even herself because of the meds and, what I later read, her liver failure. She was terribly frightened, she hallucinated, would sleep all the time, cry in pain, and could not eat. I wish we had had one more day of her in a clear state of mind to say all we needed to say. One minute we were planning to take her home for hospice (they said 4-8 weeks) and the next minute we were calling up my uncle from Miami to get here to say goodbye. She died four days later. I feel like so much was stolen from me, and from her. She was only 61 and me, 27. I am still in such shock. I feel for all of you. I know the pain you’re going through. I’m so sorry we all had to go through this and I wish us all peace.

  67. Alphonso Says:

    My Dear Mother pass away of PC on Oct 3 2009. She diagnosed 4mths ago and fought long and hard with her treatments. I watched my mother size drop really fast and the pain that this horrible disease has on people. She often did not eat because of the taste. I really feel alone and by myself, but seeing others write about there own issues and pain, I know that I’m not alone. Her last week was spent in (In hospital hospice) she was unconscious during her last week and I know that she did not feel any pain when she past away. When she started treatment she really broke down to the doctor and said that she wanted to live and did not want to die. I’m really in shock sometimes and think of this as a bad dream that I’m dreaming.

  68. Jennifer Says:

    My Mother was diagnosed 3 weeks ago today with PC, stage IV. It is advanced into her liver, duodenum and stomach lining and she also has fluid in her lungs. She had her gallbladder out 6 months ago and after having severe pain in her abdominal area. She continued to have tests all Summer – cat scan, colonoscopy, endoscopy and bloodwork. It wasn’t until 3 weeks ago that a blood test showed her blood sugar to be at 500 and she wasn’t a diabetic. She was told to immediately go to the ER and 24 hours later she was diagnosed. The doctors did a much more in depth cat scan that showed the cancer. I have heard similar stories to my Moms. WHY aren’t bells and whistles going off in the medical community?? If someone comes to the with severe abdominal pain, why not do these detailed cat scans to look into the pancreas? Maybe my Mom could have been caught early. Instead, she is now in a nursing home and will be moved to hospice next week. She is slowly fading from our eyes. She is confused, sleeps a lot, her abdomen and ankles are swollen, and is merely existing. I don’t know if the sleeping and confusion is from the morphine or the cancer or both.
    Her 79th birthday is October 27th. She and my Dad would celebrate 60 years of marriage this June. He has slept by her side for the last 21 nights. This is a horrible and painful cancer. Why is there not more being done??

  69. Alphonso Says:

    Jennifer,

    I will your pain, I have been down this road and it sucks to see your loved one suffer.

  70. Jennifer Says:

    Thanks Alphonso. I am going to organize a 5k in her honor and to help raise awareness of this God awful cancer. It’s all I can think of to do. It’s frustrating to have seen her go through all these different tests all Summer long and come back negative, but then finally get diagnosed when it’s too late.

  71. daughter Says:

    My Mom died one weeek ago today from PC. I’m so lost.
    She had just turned 50 in June. She was diagnosed in January and 10 months later- she’s gone. She went thru aggressive chemo and radiation.. Her treatments ended in May. She had an infection from the radiation.. But had went back to work.The last doctor’s appt we went to the tumor was SHRINKING! 20% to be exact. Nothing was spreading! We were very optimistic. Since she was having such a hard time eating (tumor pushing into her stomach) she was only 94lbs. They put her on a liquid diet until they could put a stent in her stomach to open it. She died Mon morning at 4 am. from a damaged artery in her stomach that hemorrhaged.. Damaged from the radiation, I believe. I miss her so much already. I thought I had so much more time.
    If someone you know has been diagnosed.. Spend every minute you can with them!! I wish I could go back and do that.. But I thought I had so much more time.. I was so wrong.
    I love you, Mom… and miss you so much.

  72. Susan Says:

    It’s almost a year since my beloved Dad died of PC: Nov 1, 2008. He was a thoroughly good, wise, gentle man — yes, a true Gentleman. Orphaned young, he survived and succeeded in this difficult world, remaining devoted to his wife and family until the end. I sit here crying because I miss him. Our relationship changed over the years until he became my best friend. Diagnosed officially on August 24, he died on Nov. 1. My sister and I had suspected Dad was ill around the previous Christmas. He began to shrink away in front of our eyes; his voice became less vigorous; his steps slowed; I said to my husband that Dad was moving further and further away. My Mum had died 4 years previous and Dad was living by himself in an over-65 apartment builting, but we saw him in the neighbourhood all the time as well as getting together regularly at my house for fish and chips. At the start of August, my husband and I went for a weekend escape to Vermont… I couldn’t stop thinking about Dad. I remembered how he had begun to sit with his hand inside the belt of his trousers, pushing the belt away from his stomach. It started to worry me. He looked so thin, almost transparent! On the way back from Vermont, I dropped my husband at home, and went to get milk and bread at our local grocery store. Dad was there, as he often was, sitting in the sunshine outside the mall, watching the world go by. I drove the car up to him and said, “Dad, we must take you to the hospital tonight.” He smiled, and said, “Okay, Susie.” He must have been feeling so sick — he hadn’t wanted to bother me or my sister, but he knew it was time to find out what was wrong. We waited all night in the Emergency Dept, Dad on a stretcher and my sister and I sitting/sleeping on the floor. Eight o’clock the next morning, the Emergency Dept came to life, suddenly doctors appeared, ordered tests, and told us our Dad had pancreatic cancer, with 3-6 months to live. My sister and I cried. We cried until he died, and after. We didn’t want Dad to go. He was loving, dignified, stoic, and calm all his life, until the moment it ended. He came to live with me and my husband for 2 months. We had some wonderful days and some difficult days. The palliative care nurses were very good. As autumn arrived, he sat on the deck in the uncharacteristically warm sunshine, looking up at the airplanes taking off from Montreal Airport about 1/4 mile from my house. You see, he had helped design many of those planes: the Canadair Challenger, Bombardier Regional Jet, Airbus… On Canadian Thanksgiving, I made a big turkey dinner and my sister’s family came over… what was left of my family was all together eating around the table. Dad became very ill for the first time — he could not tolerate the smell of the food, and we knew he didn’t have much time left. He became less and less able to eat and even those thinge he could previously tolerate (a little glass of beer, for example!) had to be left behind. Some days, he would hardly eat, and I could not warm him up no matter what I tried. He shook with cold. The day he vomited unspeakable substances, I knew he had to go to Palliative Care. I thought he would choke to death in my arms. He didn’t want to go, but went bravely. I moved in too and slept on a cot next to his bed. I don’t know how, but I also taught College for 4 hours a day! They were great at the hospice — Dad even rallied and ate a cookie. All this time, he had never allowed himself to stay in bed: He’d get up with me at 7 am and go to bed at 11 pm. He dozed in his chair and told me he hoped to pass away sitting in his chair listening to his music that he loved. At the Palliative, he spent the first 6 days in his chair, watching DVDs of the old British shows and listening to music. It rained every day. The leaves fell from the trees. The Palliative doctor called me aside and said, “Your father is a dead man sitting in a chair.” The doctor had never seen the will not to give up that my Dad displayed: he was determined not to lie sick in bed. But there came a day when Dad could not get up and get dressed, even with help. He dozed and slept in bed all day. That night, I heard my Dad stop breathing. I counted to 120 and he started again. He hadn’t taken a breath in 2 minutes. Suddenly, I was terrified. I jumped up off my cot, put my coat on over my pjamas and drove home. I couldn’t take it any more. I was back again before Dad woke up, but he knew I had gone and I know he was sad about that. I said, “Dad, I haven’t been back to my own house in a week. I will stay with you all day but I have to go home at night.” He smiled and let me know it was okay. From that point on, his sleep deepened and his drugs were increased, and there were several times when the doctor counted 2 minutes or more between his breaths but, incredibly, he would rally enough to give us the “thumbs up”. Friday night, my sister and I knew death was very close. Dad hadn’t been able to eat for a week. We spent the evening writing Dad’s obituary. He passed away the following morning. I’m not young, I’m 54, but life has not been the same since Dad left. I think of him every day. God bless you, Dad. You are loved and missed. Please delete this posting if too maudlin. xoxox Hugs and peace to everyone touched by this disease. xoxox

  73. mary ellen Says:

    I lost my dad on friday november 6 2009.I cant believe he is gone.He lived for 14 months with pc.My father was 74 years old and the nicest person I ever knew. I always thought my dad would live forever , but that cancer sucked the life out of him before my eyes. He weighed 135lbs when he died , nothing left but skin + bones. so weak he could hardly talk. The cancer causes so many complications, he finally died of a torn GI tract the poisoned his body. We chose as a family to disconnect life support and let him go home to be with his LORD JESUS CHRIST. We did not want the doctors to use his body for any more clinical trials that dont work. This is a very bad cancer with very little answers I pray that more research will yeild better results in the future. If you have been DX with it dont give up, fight hard someday they will have an answer. GOD be with you, I know my fathers body has been restored, and the cancer finally lost. I will miss him until the day I die.

  74. Alphonso Ward Says:

    I’m so sorry for your lost, mary ellen. I’m still trying to deal with my lost of my mother a month ago to pc. Please take one day at a time, some days will be ok and some wont..

  75. mary ellen Says:

    thank you so much, I too am sorry for your loss,Alphonso, reading these stories help me realize that I am not alone. Its a club I never wanted to join.

  76. mary ellen Says:

    My father said he felt like he was on an island by himself and now that he is gone thats how i feel

  77. Alphonso Says:

    Mary Ellen,

    I had the same feeling before I found this site, the feeling of being alone, and thought that I was the only person that has been down this road. Your father and my mother will always be with us, just talk to him when you need to. It works for me. Also your father is in no more pain, this bad sickness strips them down.

  78. Ramires Says:

    Great idea thank you so much to this post

  79. Jennifer Says:

    Mom passed away on November 16th. She went peacefully at home. It was the only silver lining in this whole awful disease. WE miss her!

  80. kendulle martinez Says:

    Pllease help me understand..my momdied oct.6,2009 of gas gangrene. she flatlined @5 and they brought her back @ 5:50 she flatlined again and was pronounced dead @6:04 .I was not there in her final hour but i wake up every morning to stare at clock and wonder why i couldnt hear phone ring from hospital to see her before she died ..What am i feeling ? Guilt or is she trying to tell me something im only child and feel im an orphan…

  81. John Says:

    My mom died of pancreatic cancer when I was 13- she was only 37. She was hospitalized with abdominal pain, so they removed her gallbladder, which was later discovered to have cancerous tumors. A few months later, the cancer returned to her pancreas and took her in a matter of weeks. I will never forget watching her decline and watching her struggle for her last breath. I am only 18 now, and next week I am having my gallbladder removed for the same symptoms, and am being watched carefully for signs of cancer. I am terrified that I will go the same way as her, but at the same time, i would rather it be this way- I’ve gone through it once, and having watched her pass peacefully, I am less afraid than I would normally be. I love you Mom, always and forever.

  82. Alphonso Says:

    John,

    I have the same fear as you do. I have written here on the site several times. you have my prays in my heart. Please feel free to keep posting and I will respond to you. My mother past away in Oct of this year. I hate this sick disease

  83. Andrea Says:

    My dad died April 6 2009 from PC. He died 21 days after the dx. My mom refused hospice care for him, and finally allowed it the day before he died. He was not on morphine because she said he would get addicted. He was taking Lortab pills, 1 every 4 hours. But I know this did not ease the pain. He died at home on the bedroom floor, choking on his own vomit and all of its content. He was in so much pain, the sound of his crying and screaming as he died haunts me to this day. I miss him so much it hurts. He was 65. I have so much anger towards my mom because she would not allow the hospice people to admit him to home hospice care until the day before he died. I am struggling with so much anger towards my mom and this damn cancer. My mom thinks she did such a wonderful job caring for him at home. I’m sorry for the graphic description of his death, and I am sorry to all those that have lost someone to PC

  84. Alphonso Says:

    Andrea,

    Please don’t be mad at your mom, like you said she thought that she was doing the best that she could for the man that she love for many years. I know that this Cancer SUCKS big time, but there has to be a cure one day I hope. I lost my mother on Oct 3, 2009. Just keep in mind that your dad is no longer in pain. My mom was on morphine as well, and the pain would still take her down. It also made her forget memory alot.

  85. Annette Says:

    My mom lived with PC for 2 years. She had the whipple surgery, and several rounds of chemo and radiation. She tried to go to Sloan-Kettering, but was refused since she had begun treatment with another doctor.She fought so hard, and at one point insisted that she didn’t think she had cancer anymore. She went to a specialist who said that she was cancer free. She went to this specialist for 3 months, who said he couldn’t help her since he could not find any cancer: he referred her to his nutritionist. on Decemmber 1, 2007. The nutritionist (with the specialist present)chastized my mother for not eating, and losing weight. My mother complained of abdominal pain and exhaustion. I took her once again to the emergency room on Dec 20. She was diagnosed with not only a larger tumor than before, but the cancer had metastisized in her abdomen. No further options for treatment.
    My mother didn’t smoke or drink. She prayed to God every day of her life and her kind and thoughtful manner was an inspiration to me. She had a very difficult life, and an even more horrible death. I don’t know why people don’t talk more about how vile a death this can be. I would have liked to been more prepared for the final stages. I brought my mother to my home to die-that is where she wanted to be. She was semi coherent for about a week. She spent the next 36 days at my home, hallucinating, on so many meds I had to number them and write a schedule. The patches were up to 475 mg doses and she was on morphine. and 24 hour care. Maybe not many people have had the experience of their mother talking to no one in the room, but talking to those that had already passed. The vomit was scary, and even so many months later I can’t get the bleeding gums out of my head. I am sorry to sound so angry. I just am. I am trying to deal with losing my confidant and best friend. I am angry that she finally retired, only to die this unpeaceful death. I am sad that kind people can suffer so much. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that she is no longer suffering. I am grateful that she was such a strong, supportive influence in my life.
    I am truly sorry for those that lose loved ones like I did. It is unnerving to read the stories that PC can be carried by a gene.
    I wish comfort for for each person that posted here. Maybe the posting alone is a step toward healing.

  86. Jennifer Says:

    Annette,
    Your Mother put up a very courageous fight and hopefully that will give you some peace knowing what a strong person she was. My Mother passed away on November 16th after being diagnosed 51 days prior. She actually had PC for several months before being diagnosed, but like so many others, it was missed. I really get angered at hearing stories like yours when the medical profession is not only wrong but almost obnoxiously rude about it. We experienced a similar situation with my Mom and several doctors that she visited to try and figure out what was wrong with her. Did you have hospice come to your home? They were our saviours, that’s for sure. When your Mother was talking and/or seeing people who had already passed away, she was probably really seeing those people. My Mom did the same thing and hospice told us this is very realistic. It’s almost as if those “visitors” are letting her know that it is time. I have heard the same stories from many other people as well.
    I am also getting genetic testing done because I too, am worried about the PC gene. I am planning a 5k race in honor of my Mom and raising money for research for this God awful cancer. If you check out http://www.pancan.org they are a great resource.
    I wish you a peaceful holiday.

  87. Annette Says:

    Jennifer,
    Thank you for the positive and acknowledging response. I am so sorry for your loss and applaud the race you plan to do. I hope that it is empowering for you and generates interest in solutions for this overwhelmong cancer. I will check out the website and appreciate your response on the holiday. Please post after the race-I would like to know how it goes.

  88. Jaime Says:

    My father was diagnosed December 02, 2009 of PC cancer and died January 02, 2010 at 3:55AM. He was only 58. Once the decline started it just got worse with each day that passed. Tuesday December 29, 2009, I received a phone call at 5AM that my father had fallen down the stairs. My mother could not get him up and since I live only 3 minutes away she called me to help. My husband and I rushed over and my husband got him up. I could see it in his eyes then that things were not good. Later that day my mother and brother took him for is chemo. The doctor refused to give it due to his weak condition. She did some tests and it revealed his liver was not functioning properly and she called for hospice. My brother flat out asked if this meant he was dying and the doctor said it was very likely. Hospice came to my parents house. The hospice nurse stated that my dad would go into a deep sleep (coma) and that we would have the urge to wake him but not to, just let him sleep. As I sat by my father’s bedside I waited for the sleep but it never came. My father was fighting so hard to the end that he continued to look and talk (just one or two word phrases as he couldn’t really talk) until the end. I am proud of my dad and how hard he fought to stay with us. He was so brave and not once did he give up. I love you daddy and will miss you until we meet again in heaven one day. You are the best dad ever and have left so many happy memories behind!!

  89. Amanda Says:

    Pancreatic cancer is the most unforgiving diseases I’ve ever encountered. I first became aware that my mother was not feeling well and was experiencing abdominal pain in July of 2009. Later that month she had her gallbladder removed. When that didn’t relieve her symptoms and it was becoming more and more painful to eat, she returned to her doctor. In September she had a CT which revealed a mass on her pancreas and several lesions on her liver. When she called to tell me this she said that her doctor had set her up with an appointment with an oncologist…my heart sank immediately. After meeting with the oncologist and 2 liver biopsies later, she was finally diagnosed on October 5, 2009. The doctor told us at that time that surgery was not an option and the plan for treatment was to extend her time as much as possible with chemotherapy. He said that if she responded well the the chemo she may have 1-18 months. The day after her diagnosis we were checked into the hospital with intentions of placing a stent in her liver duct (she was so jaundiced at that point that she almost glowed in the dark) and start her first chemo treatment. After 3 painful attempts, the stent was finally placed and a week after her diagnosis she had her first treatment. She ultimately received 4 chemo treatments. At the time of her last treatment she said that she felt better than she had in a long time and the doctor said that he was optamistic that the tumor was shrinking. Although her weight loss was shocking and it was still a challenge for her to eat and she was on a plethera of medications, we felt optimistic that day.
    A week and a half later, when I laid eyes on her I knew that something was seriously wrong. She had become so much weaker in such a short time. She hadn’t eaten anything in 4 days. When I began to talk to her it became obvious that her mind was not right. She was so confused and not making any sense. The Sunday before Thanksgiving we too her to the ER. She was hallucinating becoming very anxious. They drew her labs and nearly everything was normal. One moment in particular that really struck me was when I watched my mom reach for the pad of paper on the talbe next to her and start to write something. When she was finished I looked at the piece of paper and it was nothing but jibberish. My heart sank again in that moment because I knew that her mind was slipping fast.
    After being in the hospital for 3 days, my sister and I had to make the hardest decision of our lives. We ended up taking my mom to the Kansas City Hospice House the day before Thanksgiving. The place was amazing. I thank God that there are people out there who can do that because I could never bear to watch that day in and day out. When the doctor at the Hospice House came in to assess mom, she began to ask her questions. I didn’t expect her to be able to answer them properly because of how quickly her mental status was declining. I wasn’t even sure that she knew where we were at that time. I was shocked at how lucid her answers were. When the doctor asked her to tell her why she was there, my mom looked at her and replied “I am in the end stages of pancreatic cancer. I’m not ready to give up, but I guess they’re telling me I have to”. That was the most painful thing I could imagine. That night, mom fell into a deep sleep and we were not able to arouse her. We were all sure that she wouldn’t make it through the night, including the nurses. My sister and I and my step-father sat at her side and watched her sleep. In the early hours of the morning my mom opened her eyes and said “I have to pee”. When we went out to ask the nurse for a commode, she nearly fell out of her chair. That morning was Thanksgiving. I asked my mom if she slept well and she said “How long was I out? I think there’s a difference between sleeping and passing out.” That day was a blessing. I sat with her and talked for a while. She asked me, “Where am I? Why am I here? What is going to happen next?” She was still very confused and experiencing some hallucinations. As I tried to explain to her again what was going on, it broke my heart when she said “Will I ever get to go home again?”
    After our conversation, she was able to get into the spa tub there at the Hospice House and have the first real bath she’d had in days. She made us laugh several times that day with her unique, sarcastic sense of humor. The volunteers at the Hospice House made a huge Thanksgiving meal and my whole family got to spend the holiday together. That night, my mom seemed very resistant to going to sleep. We tried to be quiet around her, but she kept her eyes wide open as if she was afraid she was going to miss something. She had told us that morning that she didn’t want anymore medication because she was afraid she’d go to sleep and “not come back” after the deep sleep she had had the night before. She was right. After that night, we didn’t hear mom’s voice again. For a couple of days she was still able to look at us and squeeze our hands in response to questions. Then for about 4 more days she just slept. We sat by her side and prayed and talked to her in hopes that she could still hear us. She passed away just before 11pm on December 3rd. I had been watching her chest rise and fall all day as her breathing was becoming more erratic, wondering if that breath was her last. At the very instant I became distracted and was no longer watching her breathe, she took her last breath. It was just 2 months after her diagnosis.
    There are so many things that I wish I could have done with my mom and talked to her about. I never dreamed that this disease would take her so quickly. I miss her more than words can say. When I really sit and think about it, it still takes my breath away. I just can’t believe it’s possible that she’s gone. It was all so surreal as it was happening and my sister and I simply dealt with what was in front of us in the moment. I’ve replayed the last 6 months over and over again in my head. It just doesn’t feel real. Now that she’s been gone for just over a month my heart aches every time give myself the opportunity to remember. I’m glad she is no longer suffering, and maybe I’m just being selfish, but I want her here with ME. She always told me “Life’s not fair”. That has never been more true than right now.

  90. Jennifer Says:

    Amanda -
    I just read your post and for a minute I thought I was reading mine! My Mother died this past November – same EXACT story as yours. They thought it was the gall bladder, removed it, still had pain and finally was diagnosed after it had metasticized into her liver, and she was yellow like a highlighter. The only difference is that the stent didn’t work so she had a bile bag attached to her. And, she was in the hospital for 2 weeks, nursing home for 3 and then on home hospice for 2 weeks. The saving grace was Hospice – yes they are wonderful people whom I will always have a special place in my heart for!
    I am so sorry you also had to lose your Mother and in such a rapid way. The “losing the mind” part was definitely hard to watch. I thought and still wonder if the cancer might have spread into her brain. Although I have also heard that when your liver gets that diseased it can affect your brain.
    Please check out http://www.pancan.org. It’s a great site that can help you right now. Also, hospice has wonderful services that are also free. I am organizing a 5k in honor of my Mom and to help raise funds and awareness towards this horrible disease! I just don’t get it! How many more people have DIE before something is done?? Why is that I continue to read about people who were told they had a gall bladder problem yet no one thinks to check the entire pancreas at the same time?? I’m not from the medical profession, yet bells and whistles are going off in my head when I have to hear yet another similar story!! It’s not right. There are so many advances going on with breast cancer and prostate cancer – where is the early detection for pancreatic cancer?!

  91. Johanne Says:

    Hello, My Sister who is now 45 was d/x last April with Pancreatic Cancer and liver spots. She was doing great for several months during summer taking protocell and then late September she starting to feel pain again and went jaundice. A stent was placed in November but she is still having a hard time and has no energy and is in a lot pain which she is now on morphine for… She has two beautiful children 10 and 6… this is so hard for me as she is the closest person to me as our Mother passed away 7 years ago from peritoneal cancer… Is this close to the end for her..? Will she feel better ever again? I’d appreciate any feedback anyone can offer…

  92. Jennifer Says:

    Joanne, I am very sorry to hear of your sister’s setback from this awful disease. In my opinion, only God knows the answer to your question about how long she will live. I can only tell you that from my experience with my Mom’s pancreatic cancer and ultimately her death, that it sounds like your sister’s cancer is aggressively progressing. Pan can is a very aggressive cancer which is why most people do not live long and unfortunatley it’s not caught early enough most of the time. I’m sure you will continue to be there for her and especially for her two young children. Has it gone into her liver and/or other organs? I do know that once it spreads, it’s very hard to stop. I hope this helps somewhat. She will know when it’s time and when/if that happens, I highly recommend hospice. I know you probably do not even want to think about that, but if it comes to that, just know that they are wonderful people and are with you every step of the way.
    I am thankful to have had the time that I did with my Mom and to be with her until she passed away. I miss her tremendously but I know that she now feels better and is completely cancer-free in heaven.
    You might have read prior posts about an organization that can help you – it’s http://www.pancan.org. Great site and great organization!
    Jenn

  93. Johanne Says:

    Hi Jenn, thank you so much for your insight and helpfullness.. It’s a terribly awful cancer and she fought so hard to beat it..

    Right now a pallative care Doctor comes to visit her at home and she had asked him about a hospice but he mentioned that she could be taken care of at home too if she wishes… So we’ll see .. I just wanted to kind of make sure that I’m there for her at any point that she needs me as well as the children.

    Thanks again and sorry to hear about your Mom as well.. I know how difficult it is dealing without a Mother.

    Thanks, Johanne

  94. Amanda Says:

    I guess I just don’t underatand. I mean, my mother’s life was cut short by this unforgiving, relentless disease at 50 years old. She had SO much more living to do! I’m 24 now, and I still can’t believe that I’m going to have to “grow up” without my mother. My mom prided herself in the face that she raised her daughters to be strong, independent, women who were perfectly capable of supporting themselves. In fact, I thin that fact offerered her more comfort in her last days than anything else. On some level, she felt that she’d done her job and that we no longer needed her. But the truth of the matter is, that I will NEVER stop needing my mom. I can’t bear to think that she won’t be hear to see me get married or when I have my first child.
    I can’t even begin to imagine how those of you must feel who have lost someone to this disase at an even younger age. I thought that MY mom was too young for this, but from the stories I’ve read, it’s not uncommon for people younger and younger to have thier lives destroyed by this.
    I mean, it’s like you don’t even get a chance. Since I work in the health field, I pretty much knew when I heard the words “pancreatic mass” that it wasn’t good. In fact, in the back of my mind, I knew that my mom was dying from that point on. But now when I think about it, it’s like my mind can’t even wrap itself around the events of the last 6 months. It feels so UNREAL I dont’ even know the words to describe it…but I”m sure that many of you know what I’m talking about.
    There HAS to be some way to detect this sooner!

  95. Catherine Says:

    I have been reading these entries. My mom is in her 60′s and she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in November. It is aggressive. She was working a full time job and doing spin and aerobics classes four times a week up until Oct 2009. Everyone is suffering in my family over this, as it is so unexpected and seems so unfair. Heartbreaking, really. Truly the biggest heartbreak of our lives. She has wonderfully supportive friends and coworkers and of course my dad and her kids, daughters-in-law, sister, etc.

    Tonight I came to this site because I am feeling VERY angry and bitter that this is happening to my mom and to me and the rest of my family. I see I am not alone. Bless you all. This is a real hard thing to endure.

    There are some noble people working to make pancreatic cancer one that is treatable. I have been researching and making contact with them. Thank goodness they are willing to work on this disease to hopefully help people diagnosed in the future.

  96. Andrea Says:

    I am reading these stories and crying. I miss my dad so much right now. It will be a year in April since he died of PC. I have days when I am so sad that I can’t stop crying. I am trying to be positive and stay strong for my kids, they are 17 and 7. My liitle boy cries a lot , and my 17 year old is very withdrawn. Life seems strange, and I have bad dreams about people in black masks coming to the door, wearing shirts that say cancer and they tell me they are here to take eveyone I love away from me, and then I wake up crying. I am so sorry for the loss that we all have experienced. Cancer is like a maksed man showing up and taking hostages. We must stay strong and try to get through each day the best we can.

  97. Jaime Says:

    Came to this site again as I was thinking of my daddy. Tomorrow is 1 month since he passed and I am not dealing with it so well. I have such a mixed bag of emotions from being upset, to being mad, angry, confused. I just don’t get why? I feel I could be a peace if I knew why god chose to take my daddy from me. He will never get to see my kids. He will never be able to be the grandpa he was to my brother’s kids. I am very grateful that he was able to walk me down the aisle last year (May 30, 2009). Even then, there were no signs of this damn disease. He was a dancing fool at my wedding. It wasn’t until December 02, 2009 that we found out his diagnosis. We just never had the time to even try to get use to the concept he may die and then he’s gone. I miss him so much. I’m such a daddy’s girl and I feel a piece of me died when he did. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be the same again. I feel I need him to get over this. He was always the one that helped me get through anything. I find myself always saying “I want you back daddy”…kind of like if I say it enough it may happen, even though I know it can’t…I just can’t help but wish for it to happen. I just feel so alone without my dad :( I love you daddy so much and I really don’t feel we had enough time together :(

  98. Annette Says:

    Hi Andrea,
    I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that even after some time has gone by, the pain does not seem any less. I keep reading about loss, and it is supposed to get better. My mother passed Feb 15, 2009. My emotions are still a rollercoaster: My children are also angry and withdrawn. It seems so unfair to try to deal with a devastating loss for yourself when you also must try to help your children to deal with their emotions. I don’t know yet if what I am doing is right, but I am trying to find time for myself to cry and feel my loss. I think that I can’t help my kids unless I help myself first. I am sure you miss your dad- I miss my mom so much that my heart feels crushed. They say counselling or a support group can be helpful (I haven’t been successful in locating any.) Maybe you can find one in your area that is helpful. I like visiting this website because my angry-sad emotions are ok here. People in general think that time has elasped, and I should be ok now. I’m not ok, and I hope I will one day sit with my kids and laugh about how funny my mom was and talk about how much joy she brought into our lives- without crying. I wish that for you and your family too.

  99. Johanne Says:

    Dear Jaime, I’m so sorry for your loss. That was way too fast to go and didn’t give you anytime at all to come to terms with his diagnosis. I know this may not be of any consolation and I dont expect it to be but right now I’m watching my Sister who is 45 die from this cancer. She was diagnosed last April and since September has rapidly gone downhill from there. At this point she is complete jaundiced,, stent placed already cant eat anything and barely drinks.. was once 120 lbs and is now 80. It has sucked the life out of her and I cant bear life without her and to watch her suffer to the end is awful.. You’re right to feel the way you do and it will take time and there will be moments were you feel that you’ve accepted it and then days when you will cry bitterly . I lost my Mother to peritoneal cancer 7 years ago when I was 39 and still miss her to this day.. It’s never the same ever again. I still dont understand why ? I really feel we need to take action to try to bring others closer to an early diagnosis from this dreaded cancer… and do what we can. I’ve joined a registry through John Hopkins university who are studying pancreatic cancer and would like to retrieve as much information as possible about all family members related to pancreatic cancer victims in an attempt to perhaps find this earlier and make it treatable.. I know it may be to early for you to even think about this.. but just keep it in mind. Here is a weblink if interested. Stay strong! http://pathology.jhu.edu/pancreas/

  100. Jennifer Says:

    To Andrea and Jaime,
    I too am sorry for your loss. I have written on this site several times, so I don’t want to repeat my whole story but you can scroll up – I lost my Mom on Nov. 16, 2009 after 51 days from her diagnosis. What seems to help me the most is my faith and belief in God. It’s hard to understand why she had to die this way, but does help me tremendously to know she is in a wonderful place, cancer-free and is happier than I could even imagine.
    The hard part is for those left behind – not being able to see your loved one, call him or her on the phone, and be a part of their lives. It’s also hard on the grandchildren, my kids are 3 and 5 and not really understand “death.” I try to remind myself that to have my Mom back, even just one more time, would mean she’d have this awful cancer again and that would be selfish of me. She’s up there looking down on me now and is truly happy. I know I”ll see her again someday, just as you will see your loved ones. I hope this helps a little bit.
    Also, please go to http://www.pancan.org – it’s a great site with very helpful info. I too am joining research studies and especially the JOhn Hopkins mentioned above. I am also organizing a 5k race this May for pan cancer research.
    Sincerely,
    Jennifer

  101. Andrea Says:

    To Jennifer,
    I am so glad that I found this site to share feelings with others. I tend to isolate myself a lot. I am on medical leave from work due to a car accident that happened three weeks after my dad died. A woman rearended me while I was stopped at a red light. She was texting, and she hit me so hard, her car went under my SUV. My 7 year old was not hurt thank goodness. He told me that Grandpa ( my dad that had died three weeks earlier from PC) held him tight and kept him safe when we got hit. I have been in physical therapy twice a week for 8 months trying to get the use of my left leg and both arms back. I have a bulging disk in my neck pusing on spinal cord, and two in my lower back. I will be having surgery soon. Andrea

  102. vfeucht Says:

    I had pancreatic cancer in 1987. The youngest of my five children was born in 1985. I went a year and a half running tests and not knowing what was wrong. Finally I was admitted to the hospital for tests and nothing was found. I cried and begged for pancreatic tests because I had been doing research on my own. My ducts were abnormal and I had a huge tumor in the head of my pancreas. I was 33 years old and I had five children. I underwent a modified whipple and had many scares and uncertainties thereafter.
    I am now 56 years old, very healthy and have 3 grandchildren and 2 on the way.
    I credit my dr. and my stamina. I had everything from brain scans to bone marrow testing. No one knew what was wrong. They thought I had psychological issues. I think my family thought that too. I had no symtoms other than vertigo and muscle spasms. I had faith in the Blessed Mother of Jesus and she allowed me to raise my children. I asked her only to see my youngest child through high school. He is now graduating from college. God and the Blessed Virgin have been good to me beyond belief. I did not deserve that.
    My husband has had renal cancer which has metastised. He has been unbelievably clear for 2 years plus. We thank God for every checkup.
    I just wanted to add a positive note to a horribly ngeative disease.

  103. Johanne Says:

    Dear Vfeucht, you’re very lucky indeed and thank you so much for sharing your story with the post as it really is nice to hear from survivors! I had one question for you do you know if anyone else in your family had pancreatic or any other cancer? Thanks and god bless.

  104. Johanne Says:

    Hi Jennifer, I wanted to find out from you more about the run that you are organizing? Please let me know the details. Thanks very much.

  105. Andrea Says:

    It is so wonderful to hear of people survivng this cancer.I am wondering about the chances of this being hereditary. There is so much I am trying to learn about this cancer. i want to find out as much as I can and try to increase PC awareness in my community.
    Andrea

  106. Johanne Says:

    Hi Andrea, here is information and a link to John Hopkins University who are studying familial pancreatic and related cancers. I’m also very interested in this as well and have joined as My Mother died from peritoneal cancer (stomach lining at 62) and my Sister who is 45 has terminal pancreatic cancer. We need to find a cure or at least diagnose this earlier and find any possible links that we can for the sake of all those affected by this dreaded cancer!

    http://www.path.jhu.edu/pancreas/NFPTR/index.php

    look under section /tab NFPTR

    excerpted from their website..
    The NFPTR Needs You!
    The NFPTR is a research study aimed at identifying the causes of pancreatic cancer. We hope that our research will enable the early detection of pancreas cancer and lead to improved treatment of this disease, saving lives. The addition of more families to our study is critical to continue our progress. Click here to see if you or your family qualifies to join the pancreas tumor registry.

    From Left to Right: Dr. Alison Klein, Dr. Ralph Hruban and Emily Palmisano

    “We are looking for the causes of pancreatic cancer. If you or your family member has had pancreatic cancer, we need you for our study.” – Dr. Alison Klein

  107. Jennifer Says:

    Dear Vfeucht,
    It is wonderful to hear about a success story like yours!!! YOU are one of the lucky few! The sad part is that you had to beg to get pancreas tests performed — that was in 1987 and here we are in 2010 and there is still no “early testing” available for the pancreas. This is truly unnacceptable! I think that this group should send this link to the American Cancer Society as well as Congress so that there will be a “human” aspect that they can see and feel after reading all of these comments.
    That being said, I am truly happy for you and your entire family! I hope you continue to be in good health and I am sure that your grandkids are keeping you happy and healthy!

  108. Debbie Says:

    What I would like to share is that I too understand your pain and intense anger as I lost my mother on 2-2-10–just 2 weeks ago. I’m here to say the only true comfort that I have experienced is from the Lord. He helps us when we don’t deserve it and when you look up–He will look down–no matter where you are in your life. He will meet you where you are at. I have no answers as to why I had to lose my best friend in the world but I have to trust in something bigger than our human minds can ponder—and in the midst of all my confusion, pain and anger–God is there.

  109. Mcnicholas Says:

    Not in my neighborhood, Mister!

    Buy me something!

  110. Amanda Says:

    On March 3rd it will be three months since my mom passed away and it was only 2 months before that, that she was diagnosed. It still seems so unreal. I got engaged a week ago and it tears me up that I can’t share this with her. The thought of planning a wedding knowing that she won’t be there to see it seems impossible. I’ve never had a genuine father figure in my life, and that never bothered me before because my mom was all I needed. I’d alway planned that she would walk me down the isle and give me away. Now what? This time last year, things were so “normal” and I never would have dreamed that I would be in this situation right now. I need my mother. And all I can think of is that if I make it though this obstacle, there’s always going to be something else. What about when I have children? She won’t be there to enjoy her grandchildren and they will never get to know her. And I don’t know what I will do without her support. This horrible, unforgiving cancer has taken so much from us…things that she deserved to experience.

  111. Ivonne Says:

    my grandma go diagnosed a week before thanksgiving 2009
    and the day befor my big nursing school interview
    things havent been easy, and i dont want to see her suffer
    things seemed to be getting better and we were even lead with
    false hope when the head of surgery at USC Medical Center
    said there was a chance of them removing the tumor.
    Unfortunately the petscan showed the cancer spread to her
    liver and lymph nodes. my grandma tried chemo but it didnt work to
    well for her the first session when she got home was the worst she passed
    out and we had to call 911. seeing my grandpa screaming dont go and
    crying was the worst because he thought she was gone as my mom
    started CPR. the doctors changed the chemo to a lower dose the second time around which was last week but shes back in the hospital. she cant eat or drink because her food isnt staying down. shes in pain and it hurts to know that shes suffering, i just want her pain to go away but im not ready to let go :/
    my prayers and thoughts go out to all of those who’ve lost their loved one to pc. im specializing in nursing school in oncology and i am hoping to get an internship at city of hope or USC so i can research ways to better fight pancreatic cancer

  112. Johanne Says:

    Hello everyone, just wanted to let you know that my Sister Dione passed away on February 27, 2010 from pc. 9 months from diagnosis.. We were told by her Doctor that she had several weeks to go at the least as I had planned a 50th Bday trip for my Husband but on our last day there we got a call from my Brother in Law that she had passed. I was so angry at myself for not being there when she died.. I wanted to be the one that was there at the end for her.. I’m crying bitterly as I right this.. We had the memorial yesterday and the minister told me that she wanted me not to be there so she could pass.. I’m am happy that she is now pain free and seeing her body after death (as soon as i got home on Sunday) was a relief to see that she looked so calm yet not the sister I really knew due to this devasting disease. 45 years old with two children 6 and 10. My heartfelt condolences to all who have lost friends, family members to this dreaded disease..

  113. Jaime Says:

    I am sorry of the passing of your sister Johanne. Your minister is right. When my dad was passing they told us that he would choose who would be with him when he passed and not to feel insulted if we weren’t there. He said there would be reasons for his choosing. I stayed by his bedside all night until I just couldn’t hold my eyes open anymore. I asked my mom to call me if his breathing changed since I only live 3 minutes away from my parents house. I received a call at 4:00 AM and my dad passed. He didn’t want me there and I believe it is because I am a daddy’s girl and he believed it would be worse for me to be there. My mom was up all night by his bedside and just fell asleep for 5 mins. When she woke he was gone. His breathing wasn’t any different while she was awake. But it is obvious dad did not want anyone to see his last breath. I will always be proud of how my dad carried himself even during the darkest hours. He will always be my superman!

  114. Kim Says:

    This is my first time on an open forum. I lost my Mom January 19, 2009. She was not feeling well the Friday before and was gone the morning of Jan 19. We were unaware of what was going on until she was admitted to the hospital. I really don’t even have the words. There wasn’t a prolonged fight for survival just a desperate hope for life and I get lost here. I was 26 years old – my Mother was this beautiful hippie who taught me to love and care for everyone and everything in the world around me. And I feel lost without her. I can’t find any other support groups online and I feel like, over a year later, I am beginning to lose myself in my Mothers death.

  115. cindi Says:

    I LOST MY BEST FRIEND WHO ALSO IS MY MOTHER, AT AGE 12.MY MOTHER WAS 32 WHEN SHE DIED.I MISS HER SO VERY MUCHSHE HAS BEEN GONE FOR 35 YEARS BUT IT STILL HURTS VERY BAD.SHE WAS DIAGNOIS IN SEPT WITH PANCREATIC CANCER SHE DIED 5 WKS LATER.I WAS LOST WITHOUT MY MOTHER I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART.I GIVE DONATIONS REGULARLY TO THE CANCER SOCIETY,I PRAY THAT SOME DAY THERE WILL BE A CURE FOR THIS DEADLY DISEASE.I HATE CANCER SO MUCH IT HAS DESTROYED A LOT OF FAMILY.PLEASE DEAR LORD LET ALL THESE DONATIONS HELP FIND A CURE.

  116. Johanne Says:

    Hi Jaime, thanks so much for sharing your comments.. It’s really helpful to understand and I’m sorry to hear about your Dad as well. At least we have the memories forever and the love shared will always be felt for a lifetime.. although it still hurts tremendously.

  117. Jaime Says:

    Johanne, I don’t see this pain ever going away…I just think as humans we learn to adapt. I will always miss my dad and not a day will go by that I will not think of him and tell him I love him. But he would want me to continue on the best I could and will do anything to make him proud of me still!

  118. Breeland Says:

    Jennifer,

    I would love to know more about the race too. My mom was also diagnosed with PC and I need somewhere to put my “angry” energy. She is the most selfless person in the world, and all I know to do is find out more about this dreadful disease.

  119. Thuss Says:

    confidenze , meet friends around facebook, best nice and sexy friends are waiting you, come on , come in !
    meet very nice and sexy friends

  120. Jamie Says:

    My Dad was diagnosed with PC in June. He had the whipple surgery and a pancreactemy in July. Basically he had 5 organs removed (Spleen, gallbladder, duodendum, Part of his stomach and his entire pancreas). All this left him with type 1 diabetes, meaning he had to take enzymes with every meal just to digest part of what he ate. Not to mention the insulin shots he has had to give himself. After surgery he spent 2 months back and forth between a nursing facility and the hospital. My mother has MS and we knew he would be better cared for in the nursing facility. Actually Dad insisted. One week after surgery we were told that the cancer had already spread to his lymph nodes and that the margins from surgery weren’t clean. Just his luck! Meaning they didn’t get everything. Fortunately, after 2 months, he was released from the nursing facility. One of the most scarriest days of my life. Too many thoughts running through my head to explain. Anyhow, he was able to spend the next 6 months doing simple things with the family. Most importantly, he was able to spend time with my Son. During these last 6 months we experienced the worst roller coaster ride ever. No one should ever have to endure this. We have experienced severe deep vein thrombosis in both legs (which there is no cure), he has passed out walking to the restroom leaving him with bandages on his hand, bloody noses, immense swelling in his feet, shock from infection and now he is at the point where he can’t track conversations. We have hospice coming tomorrow and it is the hardest thing (again) that we have to endure. Our very strong and wonderful Dad is no longer able to care for himself. This type of cancer is torture. I don’t know what else to say. Honestly, I’m shocked that I am writing on this website. I am exhausted and just don’t want to see him suffer. When he isn’t in pain (we were told the cancer spread to his liver a month ago/4 tumors), he is very uncomfortable. He made it through the first line of chemo, but the second one after having the cancer spread to his liver kicked his butt! I only hope that Hospice is as helpful as everyone says. I am at a loss for words right now…

  121. Debbie Says:

    Jamie, Im so sorry to read about your Dad–I can’t find the words either to say just how sorry I am for you and your family. Hospice was wonderful to my mother who we lost 2-2-10 and to our whole family. I encourage you to lean on them–thats what they are there for. Mom was diagnosed on X-mas Eve and its been the worst few months of my life but the Lord is definitely helping us. I know you don’t want your Dad to be in pain or suffer and Hospice will help with that too. Pray, even though you’re angry, hurt, scared, disappointed, devastated, in shock and all that–pray. I will whisper a prayer for you too.
    debbie

  122. Elwyn O'Neill Says:

    My father died in palliative care on 16 Oct 09 of renal failure (he had a kidney removed 33 years ago due to cancer) he was 88 years old, which was a good age. One month later, Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She had never had a days sickness in her life. She went jaundice, had a stent put in, had 6 chemos, lost 2 stone, and now, that we have adjusted her medication, has a comfortable time at present. She turns 84 in May 10. We have been told, hopefully, that the older you are, the slower the cancer progresses, we are so hoping that this is the case. It is now 6 months and although very weak, she is watching television, reading and sitting on our lovely verandah. I live 1000 miles away, but am taking the time I have now to be with Mum and share the care (there are 5 children), to be able to keep her in her home, for as long as we can. I spent 9 weeks last year, visiting dad in hospital then hospice and feel so lucky that I was also spending this time with Mum. I have been down to Brisbane earlier this year and will be going down in May and pray to God that I will be down with her in August. I had hardly heard of pancreatic cancer but it is as bad as ovarian cancer, as they don’t have any stand out symtoms, just vague, until it is too late. Nearly all of the previous stories are of people a lot younger than my parents, so I consider myself fortunate.

  123. Jennifer Says:

    IF anyone is going to be in the Bethlehem, PA area on May 8th, I have organized the first annual Joan’s Run – a 5k run/fitness walk in memory of my mother. She passed away on Nov. 16th, just 51 days after being diagnosed. She was 79. As all of you know who have lost someone from this terrible disease, it is a disgrace that treatment, early detection and cure have not changed in the last 30 years! http://www.pancan.org is a wonderful organization that has been helpful to my entire family. They are doing some amazing things in terms of research. This organization will benefit from my fundraiser. If you are interested in participating, please email me and I can send you more info. You can also register online through active.com.
    Stay strong and stay well! I will not let my mother’s memory be forgotten and I’m fighting for a cure for this awful disease, which may very well be genetic.

  124. Johanne Says:

    Hi Jennifer, I would have loved to join you in this.. especially as my Sister Dione had passed on Feb 27 from this dreaded cancer.. If Pennsylvania wasn’t so far from Toronto I would have been there for sure.. All the best to you and I hope to organize a run of my own here in the city. You have definately inspired me and I want to thank everyone else on this post for your comments as it has greatly helped me in getting thru this. Thanks.

  125. Denise Says:

    My dad was dx with PC in october,after a few months of feeling sick,one CTscan that was clean, he went into exploratory surgery and they found the tumor. Last week we though he was going to die, he collapsed while eating. Doctors said it was an imbalance of proteins and dehidration. He was unconscious for a few days, but now he is better.He can barely eat, but he still tries…he still fights, even though he knows it’s going to be over soon. I think this is the last surge of energy..i read about it. I don’t live with my parents and i just got engaged and i want to have a baby.If it is a boy, i will name him after my dad. I’m scared for my mom,though,even if she is not alone there, how can i go on with my life knowing she will lose the person who was her husband for 25 years?PC does suck…big time!!…My dad already beat all the odds…doctors gave him 3 months tops…he is still here…not for long though…
    My heart goes out to all of you. It sucks what we have to go through,just keep strong and hope they don’t suffer….
    It’s not fair!Bad things DO happen to good people!

    I’ll miss u, Dad….but we will see each other again….

  126. Jaime Says:

    Denise, I am sorry you and your family are going through this. Yes it will be hard and yes it will suck, but even if you think you don’t have it in you because you are hurting so much…just know you do! Take care of your mom too because will be a life altering event for her. I was a total daddy’s girl (he passed after only 1 month of his diagnosis on January 2, 2010). It still hurts like hell but the fact is I at least lived outside my dad’s house with my husband and I can come back to my and mine husband’s house and try to pretend like things are normal (even though it’s always in the back of my head that they really aren’t). My mom on the other hand, lives in the same house that daddy always was. I feel for that, losing a husband of 33 years, someone you gave a kiss goodbye to everyday on your way out to work, came home to every-night, shared their life together. It’s hard for me at times to go to the house because it’s not the same without his joking talkative self but I have to be there for mom when she needs me. I must say though, I am proud of my mom…she is way stronger then I ever gave her credit for. She has her moments of course, but wow, she did not roll up in a ball and hide and that I am proud of. I am sorry for everyone who lost someone due to this disease. I can only hope someday people will not have to feel the pain we did of losing someone in such an awful way!

  127. Denise Says:

    Thank you so much…I know i have it in me, and i know my mother does too,because she has always been the strongest of all of us. It’s just not fair, it’s not right, it shouldn’t be like this…noone should go through this. Especially people who have been healthy all their life.He’s only 48…..
    He won’t be here for my wedding,and even if i know he will always be watching over me,i still think it’s not right!
    Right now,there are good days and bad days…today is a good day,who knows what tomorrow will bring? The worst part is that he only wants my mom there..he hates it when i see him like this,so i only get to see him for a few minutes every weekend when i go home.
    I think we will never get over it, no one ever does, we just learn to live with the pain, and try to keep the memories of what he used to be.
    Cancer is the enemy! And i am scared of it, because of what he does to my dad, and because i may have a genetic predispozition,as my father’s mom had metastatic breast cancer! God help us all…

  128. Jaime Says:

    wow 48 and I thought my dad being 58 was bad enough. I am so sorry. I was lucky enough to have had my dad at my wedding (I married in May last year). He seemed fine then, no signs what so ever…he was his normal dancing fool self at the wedding. I am grateful I had that. But at the same time when I am ready to have a baby, it will be sad he will not be here. My brother had three kids and my dad was the best grandpa possible. At least our kid will have two really awesome grandmothers who live local!! I have decided whether it is a boy or girl, when I have a kid it will be named after my father. His name is Darrell (pronounced like Daryl). So that’s a name a boy and girl can be named (look at Daryl Hannah)!! I am so sorry hun you have to go through this. It’s the worse :( Just know many others (unfortunately) know how you feel and you are not alone!!

  129. Tomi Says:

    I wrote on this a couple months after my father passed away on June 13,2007. Here I am today, April 13, 2010. Today, three years ago, my whole life had changed. My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on this day. Three years later, I am still with the same feeling. Numb. Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my Dad. I don’t really know when I’ll ever fully recover. The c-word disgusts me. I was only 16 for two months when my dad was diagnosed. Now, I am 19 and almost done with my first year of college. I get so sad when I think of all the moments my dad missed and will miss. He never got to teach me how to drive, see me go to prom, walk me down the field when I was on Homecoming Court, see me as the lead of the musical, watch me graduate with honors, watch me getting inducted into National Honors Society, and move me into College. He will never get to see me graduate from college/grad school, move me into my first apartment, walk me down the aisle at my wedding, give me a father-daughter wedding dance, and worst of all he won’t be able to meet his grandkids. I, like most of you, feel robbed. i do not understand why the most amazing people get stuck with such a horrible disease. It does not make any sense to me. People always say everything happens for a reason, but i believe everything happens for reasons that I will never understand.

    Dad, I love you, and will forever think of you each and everyday. I dream of the day we meet again wherever that may be.

  130. Jamie Says:

    Unfortunately my Dad passed away yesterday. We had to call 911 because hospice was unable to help or understand how fast he had gone down hill. All we wanted was for him to be comfortable and not suffer anymore. This type of cancer is horrible. The emergency room was very kind to us and now my dad is in a better place. But as I write this I am thinking about how much I will miss him and how we as a family have had to endure such an unpredictable roller coaster. My life seems empty without him, but the wonderful memories are engraved in my heart forever!

  131. Johanne Says:

    Dear Tomi, your story made me cry… I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad.. I lost my sister on Feb 27 to pancreatic cancer at age 45 and can only think of how hard it will be for her two children growing up without their Mother.. So I definately feel for you..
    Not everything happens for a reason … otherwise we would know why their lifes were cut short… Be strong and remember that somewhere your Father is watching you and smiling down at all your achievements!

  132. Johanne Says:

    Jamie, my sincerest condolences to you.. Yes the memories are the one thing we have left to cherish forever. Take care.

  133. Debbie Says:

    Jamie, Im so sorry for you and your family. You will get through it, you will. Your Dad sounds like he was a pretty tough guy and I have a feeling you are tough too. Pray. Deb

  134. Denise Says:

    Jamie, i am so sorry…keep the memories alive!And don’t forget you are not alone….

  135. Denise Says:

    So…my dad died last week….on monday night, he died in his sleep…we had the funeral on thursday and he looked so peacefull…i can’t even cry because i just keep thinking that he is better now…he’s not hurting any more, and that is what keeps me and my mom going. i think about him all the time…i got to see him one last time one day before….i want to remember him as he used to be….
    I will never forget you,daddy!!!! I love you and i miss you so much.
    I hope you are somewhere up there watching over us….

    For all of you who are going through the same thing…it sucks….but it’s better to let go…..

  136. Kristi Says:

    Dad started showing symptoms of PC early this March, though none of us identified them as such. He became weak with a frequently upset stomach as the weeks progressed, but bravely soldiered on. We spent a lot of time together doing all of our normal things – bowling, watching movies, eating pizza – though sometimes he had to mitigate the pain with tums or other antacids. By the time I took him to the ER on March 30 with a list of his symptoms, it was already too late. The next morning he was admitted to the oncology ward, where at least they managed his pain and nourished him via IVs. He, too, said some confusing things toward the end, but maintained his wit and personality until the last day. He died just four days later on April 3, 2010 when his heart stopped beating after a routine endoscopy.

    Dad never was officially diagnosed, as we were still awaiting his biopsy results. It all happened in a matter of weeks…what a rapid decline and unforgiving disease. He was 58 and left behind a lot of loving friends and relatives, two adoring daughters, and one devoted son-in-law. I miss him so much, but the great memories I have of him – and our last “normal” month together – are of true comfort. Remember their smiles and their bravery. You are their legacy.

    http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/pittsburgh/s_675021.html

  137. Boisvert Says:

    You made some good points there. I just spent a little time reading through your posts, which I found entirely by mistake whilst researching one of my projects. Please continue to write more because it?s unusual that someone has something interesting to say about this. Will be waiting for more!

  138. Dennise Says:

    Mother’s Day will be tough this year. My mom died on October 1st, 2009 (7 months ago) at the age of 63. Beautiful and lively, this cancer just sucked the life right out of her. I have heard the question asked over the years of wether it is easier to lose someone quickly or watch them through an illness where you expect them to die. Neither is easy. Sure, I had more time (4 1/2 months from diagnosis) to tell her how much I loved her and to share great stories, memories and also to cry with her. But I also watched her suffer through Chemo and realize that there was no hope to beat this desease. Would it be better to hear that she had just died in her sleep one day… Well, I cant help but be greatful to have been able to talk to her (selfishly)… but I would give everything I have to have spared her the pain and loss of her ability to care for herself. My mother was such a classy and beautiful lady. So greatly missed and while seven months have gone by, I still find myself not believing that this has happened. This mother’s day is hard. I have two children who adored their grandmother (17 & 14) and I just cant find any joy in this weekend. Because while I am 40, I still feel like a little girl who just wants to curl up and cuddle my mom. I am still heartbroken and heart sick. I read all of these posts as they come through and they have helped me throughout the pocess. Thank you all.

  139. Alphonso Says:

    Hello Dennise,

    I deeply feel your pain as well as others do on this site. I lost my mother last year on Oct 2, 2009. This will be the first time in that I will not be able to call her and say “Happy Mothers Day” I just wanted to let you know, that you are not alone dealing with your loss. This Holiday will officially end all of my (first one’s) as I call it. Meaning that I had to endure each Holiday with out her. On my birthday that was last mth. I curled up into a ball in the bed and did not want to do anything. I don’t no what I expect on Sunday, but I know that I will be sad.

  140. Jenn L Says:

    Hi everyone, I just wanted you all to know that tomorrow is the 5k that I planned in memory of my mother. Joan’s Run is a 5k race/fitness walk to benefit pancreatic cancer research through the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network. What I thought would be maybe an 80 person turnout has grown into 205 pre-registered participants!! There will hopefully be an additional 100 people that will register at the event! I have had so many people reach out to me during this process to tell me that they lost a loved one to this deadly and aggressive cancer. There is still no early detection, limited treatment and no cure! There needs to be more awareness and more dollars to fight this cancer.
    My mom passed away Nov. 16, 2009, just 51 days after being diagnosed. I miss her everyday!

  141. Nathan Weiner Says:

    I think that pc is one of the most diabolical and nasty diseases known to mankind.
    My father Jason started having stomach issues-like cramping, and uncomfortable feelings usually after eating some food in the evening. He didn’t think anything about it and life went on as it usually did. My dad used to take long walks with a my younger brother Daniel’s retired seeing eye dog (the dog had gotten old enough so that it couldn’t properly carry out his guiding duties). My Dad was in great shape for a seventy year old-he used to take Aikido when he was younger (he was a black belt) and he always was busy doing something around the house. I remember looking at pictures when he was younger–he had a great physique… I remember one day that my mom had called and said that Dad was in the hospital with both legs being very swollen.

    I was working as a radiation therapist at the time and immediately went to the hospital to take a check on dad. I wasn’t even alarmed that my dad’s legs were swollen–I thought there has to be a logical explanation. Dad almost seemed embarrassed that he was at the hospital- he always minimized problems (whatever they were) and concentrated on his family. To him family was the most important and he always strived to help his family in any way possible. He was one of the most giving and loving person I know. Anyways, the doctors did a Nuclear Imaging Test and other tests and then the really dreadful and horrific thing happened.
    I remember my mom and I were in one of the hospital rooms with dad and Dr. Menendez came in and then there was a sureal scene…Doctor said that the reason Dad’s legs were swelling was because of a clotting disorder and the reason for that was that he has pc. This was so horrifying because being a radiation therapist I knew that people with this disease suffer and die a very painful death.
    The next day I talked with my manager at the cancer center and Mike was so understanding — he said that I should take as much time as I needed off…
    Meanwhile, my other syblings (I have four other brothers and one sister)would call –3 of them were living outside our state. I never knew exactly what to tell them other than the prognosis is not good. I remember that my older brother Andy came to visit dad and my sister Mary and other brother Doug. At first, dad still had a little bit of an appetite and then his stomach became very swollen and they called in a gastroenterologist – they eventually put in a stent to keep his bile duct(s) open. I remember that my dad tried to get out of bed and walk and I could see him gritting his teeth…he could barely walk a few steps. This was especially painful to see.
    My dad lasted roughly about a month…this disease is so unpredictable and nasty that one day a nurse came in and was measuring his 02 (oxygen levels)–they were alarmingly low that they put dad in ICU. A couple of weeks earlier I was talking with a nurse and they said that it would be better if dad died quickly because of all the pain the patient suffers. I remember I was a little taken aback-but this nurse was so right. I remember dad’s last day…the nurses had given him a lot of morphine…dad’s breathing was very very labored and finally as we looked at the monitors- dad’s heartbeat stopped –but his breathing continued for about a minute or so. I actually hoped he died so he wouldn’t live this horrific event anymore. When people say that wished a loved one would die when someone has pc–believe me it’s not selfish…that means that they loved that person and don’t want to see anymore of their suffering.
    I feel that my family was robbed of many years of doing things and experiencing things with my Dad.
    Not a day goes by that I don’t think of my Dad.

  142. pamela Says:

    I lost my Dad,my hero on Valentine’s Day 2004.There is not a moment in my life that I don’t miss him.He got sick before Thanksgiving and passed away only 3 short months later.I hate this disease with a passion.I am a severe type 1 diabetic and am so worried that this horrible disease will affect me too.We need funding and a cure soon!!

  143. Catherine Says:

    My mom was 66 when she got the news that death was around the corner for her due to the NASTY pancreatic cancer. That was early Nov 2009 and she died March 1, 2010 from it. I will be forever traumatized.

    People can talk about the fact that our loved ones are in a better place, but frankly, I want my mom in THIS PLACE. Since I can’t have that, maybe PC awareness will spread around the internet if people talk loud enough and others start to clue in to the fact that something more needs to be done for future victims…maybe you or me, or someone else’s beautiful, productive and beloved mother.

    In 2010 it does not seem acceptable that so treatments for other cancers are much more successful than they were 30 years ago, but not pancreatic cancer treatment. What is available to people with PC is a joke. These people deserve better. As loved ones left with the torment, we need to push for this NOW.

  144. Jenn L Says:

    The first annual Joan’s Run was a great success! So far, I’ve raised $6000 for The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network and pancreatic cancer research! Many of the participants lost a loved one to this horrible disease. Some were recent and others were 20 years ago — but the outcome was still the same. There was a great turnout to support a local woman (age 35) who was diagnosed with pan cancer and passed away 2 days after the race. She leaves behind a husband and 2 small children – a 35 year old woman! It’s outrageous and unacceptable that there is still no early detection and very limited treatment.

  145. Jaime Says:

    Catherine, I understand what you mean about wanting your mom in this place. I have said that numerous times about my dad who died in January of this year at 58 years old. People have told me I am selfish to want such a thing since dad was sick. But those people do not get the fact that my dad knew for only a month. I didn’t watch my daddy go through suffering for months and months. He was sick yes, but didn’t seem too bad until Tuesday of the week he passed away. Then slowly each day it got a little worse until 3:50 A.M. Saturday January 2, 2010 when he passed. But it’s not that I just didn’t see him suffer for months…when I wish for him back, I wish for him back healthy and happy. Not back with the disease. My daddy and I were so close and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and hurt for that father/daughter relationship. There is a huge whole in my heart now and some days I don’t know if I will ever be able to move on. I try to for my dad, but I just miss him so much. I don’t know how to describe it but I feel we had such a great parent/child relationship, like no other father/daughter I have ever seen. He truly was the best! My mom is great and I love her too of course and for so many different reasons…but it’s not my dad. He was just so unique and always knew what to do or say when I was down or needed encouragement. It just really sucks and although I know it isn’t possible, I still sometimes wish he would just walk through the door. My husband and mine 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up and you would think it would be a happy time. While it is for the most part, a part of me keeps crying, because just a year ago my dad was walking me down the isle, with no signs of being sick. Dancing his butt off like a crazy man. Playing with my niece with more energy then I have…lol. While I am thankful he was able to be there for that, I am also sadden to see how quick things changed in a year and how quick this disease took over such a lively energetic soul. I am sorry I am babbling on and on. I have wrote on this wall so many times before. It just always makes me feel a little better to be able to write down things and tell other people how wonderful of a man my daddy was!! I miss you and love you so much daddy :(

  146. Denise Says:

    Tomorrow it’s one month since my dad passed away..Today i’m going home with some business, and i want to go to see his grave…i don’t know how i will react, because i haven’t been there since…i just couldn’t. i hope that for everybody who reads these posts they are helpfull, they helped me for the last months. As i said before…i have my wedding in september and it hurts so much that today i am going to spread the invitations for my family, and my dad…well…he won’t be there. Last night i went out to wash my car, and when i came back i just started to cry..this car was a gift from my parents, and i remembered the day when my dad gave me the keys…i was so happy..it was the best day…i just miss him so much!!!!! he is in a better place now, and i do want him back to THIS place, but as he was that day…my wonderfull caring and loving dad. my mom seems to be ok now…we talk about him all the time and i think it hepls. my borther is growing up and he had his prom last week. when my mom and i saw him in his suit he looked just like dad….
    God, i miss my daddy….i am daddy’s little girl and i always will be……

    One month passed by and last night i cried myself to sleep because i miss him so much….i don’t know if it gets better or easier in time…

  147. Denise Says:

    By the way…if you think about it, finding a cure or at least a better treatment is really hard because of simply one reason…no pacient lives long enough to be studied!!!!

  148. Elwyn Says:

    I last wrote on 7 April 10 – at that stage i was going down to Brisbane (Australia/Queensland) to be with Mum for her 84 birthday BUT 2weeks before that, she fell over and fractured her pelvis. She has been in hospital since then. I didn’t go down, as she was being cared for. Now, we are hoping that she goes home and i will then just buy a one way ticket to go down and stay with her. Her doctor, for the pancretic cancer, wrote to the old age assessment people, that she has had the cancer for 4 years and would have about 4 months left. Well that was from mid November 2009 and she is getting over her fracture and pray to God, going to her home and not a nursing home. SO NOW IT IS 8 MONTHS SINCE DIAGIONSIS, AND SHE IS STILL WITH US. Most of the previous stories have the deaths, quickly, so I am hopefully giving some hope “of time”. As I said on my previous post, the doctors did say, that it is slower in older people, but whatever it is, we do still have our mum.

  149. Gabrielle B Says:

    Lost my mother (& best friend New Years eve 2004 & not a day goes by I don’t think of her. Breaks my heart. PC research and funding are so important push the despair aside when and where you can and ask yourself- what can I do to help create awareness, promote PC research, early detection & treatment funding, & ACT. Only those of us who’ve been there know how much suffering might be alleviated or avoided entirely. Use whatever skills you possess or can access, beg or borrow from others. Love, Light amd blessings to all of us.

  150. Marilyn Says:

    My brother was diagonised with pancreatic cancer, he was given 6 mos. to live. He went through 3 rounds of chemo & all they gave him was nasua pills to try & help him from throwing up, didn’t work. He told us that the “CHEMO” was killing him faster than the cancer. He stopped chemo & 3 weeks later we buried him. Pancreatic cancer is a “SILENT” CANCER so I’ve read with research.

    My daughter’s mother in law has tumor in pancreas docs have done biopsy it’s cancer. She is facing surgery to remove pancreas as well as part of stomach. The bile duct area has been closed off & they put a stent in it to open it. What are her chances of surviving? If any one could shed some light on this I would appreciate it.

  151. Denise Says:

    Marlyn, if your daughter’s mother in law is a candidate for surgery (whipple procedure it’a calles) it’s a good sign. It might prolongue her life to maybe years, it depends how far along is the cancer. Although, be sure the surgery is done fast, don’t postpone it, because she might lose the chance. This type of cancer is very aggressive and can evolve from stage 1 to stage 4 within a few weeks.
    The very best of luck to you and your family, and keep your faith and your hopes up!

    By the way, if there is anyone from Romania here (where i’m from) i have some medicine left from my father that he didn’t get to use. It’s Tarceva, and i want to sell them…..please contact me an the site.

  152. Elderkin Says:

    Great post, I am bookmarking this one. Beautiful details :P
    Keep up the good work.

  153. Lou Says:

    My beautiful brother David was diagnosed with PC on 1st April 2010. He had experienced back ache and found it difficult to paddle out when surfing (he is a fit 53 year old). Since the diagnoses he has had 4 rounds of chemo and is shrinking before our eyes. He always luved his food and this terrible disease has robbed him of the ability to eat – he only eats the tiniest amounts. He was hospitalised last week for bowel obstruction which they cleared and was hospitalised again day before yesterday for same thing. He and his wife (who has been the most wonderful support for him) were told to enjoy what time they have left. Dont know how you can enjoy when everyday you are sicker and weaker. This horrible cancer seems like no other – I mean there are very few if any “good days”. I know every day he is here is good I guess, but not when I think of how much pain he is in constantly. My Mum (85 yrs) cannot believe this whole thing is happening. Neither can I. I dont really know how I stumbled upon this site but just reading everyone elses heartbreaking stories has at lease let me know I am not alone. We are in Australia, and quite frankly I had only ever heard of Pancreatic cancer when Patrick Swayze was diagnosed. Since then after hundreds of hours on the net I now know way too much about it – and none of it is good.

    I dont know what the next few weeks will hold, but, whilst I dont want to lose my gorgeous brother – I dont want him to suffer either.

    Love and peace to all of us, and all of them. xxx

  154. FUCK PC Says:

    FUCK! CANCER! FUCK YOU!

  155. barb Says:

    My Dad, died 8 days ago ,he was diagnosed 3 months ago with pancreatic cancer, when we went to the oncoligist he was told , that it had already spread and treatment was not an option . Its hard to take when moderm medicine can`t help .I find it hard to believe he is gone , he was the most kind and gentle person , who made the world a better place, miss you Dad.

  156. Rhonda Says:

    My grandmother passed away from Pancreatic Cancer on May 17, 2010. I have to say that I have been lucky enough not to loose anyone close to me since I was a toddler, but this was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through in my life. She was diagnosed before Christmas of 2009, but the doctors in the beginning were constantly giving us the run around and claiming it was a million different things, but never officially saying that it was pancreatic cancer. She was too advanced to be a candidate for surgery, so we just hoped that the treatments were working, but they weren’t working as good as we all thought they were. It took them a few months before they actually told us the truth and after doing research we knew that there wasn’t a good outcome or life-span. She only went through one round of chemo & radiation and then stopped because it was taking so much out of her. All the while we were doing the Relay for Life walk in her honor that took place on May 14th.

    What really sucked the most is that 3 days before the cancer walk the doctors gave my Grammy 3 months to live, which sucked because that meant that she wouldn’t make it to any of her 3 grandchildren’s weddings that were getting married in the next year, but we were hopeful. We did the Relay for Life walk and had a blast, but then 2 days after the walk on early Monday morning she passed away from an infection that she couldn’t fight after going into the hospital the day before. I was so upset that she passed away that fast, because I was out of town and hadn’t seen her for a week and I felt so guilty in the beginning. Dealing with the funeral and wake was like walking through a blur because none of it seemed real to me, and I didn’t want to deal with the drama that my family was causing and creating throughout the whole process. I still get upset about it that she won’t be at my sisters wedding in two months and she won’t be at mine next June either. I never thought that she would get cancer again after beating colon cancer more than ten years ago.

    I now officially hate cancer and especially pancreatic cancer and will do whatever I can to try and help raise money for it so that maybe more people can at least have a longer time span after they are diagnosed until they can find a better cure for it or figure out how to diagnose it and catch it earlier so that anyone has a better chance at fighting it instead of not being able to detect it until its in Stage 3 or 4.

  157. Joyce Beauchamp Says:

    I am still in shock and disbelief as my soul mate was diagnosed with
    pancreatic cancer by the CORONER! That’s right. We had been
    out to dinner and then a dance less 7 hours before he became
    sick and then passed away suddenly only several hours later!
    He had been on a diabetes medicine up until 5 days before his
    death and thought all of his indigestive problems were being
    caused by the medicine, as he had been warned of this.
    The coroner ruled immediate cause of death as pancreatic cancer.
    He had had a sugar, etc. test five days before his death at the
    VA Medical center and they took him off his medicine because
    his sugar was back to normal. He had eaten well, mowed, lifted
    weights, walked to work up until his death. I am completely
    baffled and dismayed that this cancer could kill so quickly with
    so few symptoms. He has lost 55 lbs. as he had been on a low
    carb diet and had started a walking regemin. He thought he was
    getting healthier, instead he was dying. Has anyone had an
    experience such as this?

  158. Jeanette Says:

    My Mom was diagnosed with PC on August 11, 2010. When I was told, my body just felt numb. I could just stare as my sister told me the news. As she told me some of the doctor’s findings who did the EUS test, I could only think about my mom’s reaction as she heard the results and the reaction and pain my dad must have felt as he listened to the doctor.

    Since my mom was yet under anesthesia at the time the doctor who performed the EUS explained his findings and his thoughts of expertise, days later she did not remember the results so my sister had to tell our mom.

    About 16 months prior to this finding, my mom had been complaining about her stomach hurting and she kept vomiting during the night and sometimes during the day. One day she passed out from something (the ER doctors say it was stress and low blood) and was rushed to the hospital where she stayed for three weeks. She was treated for pancreatitis and gallstones. She caught pneumonia while in the hospital – was treated and then released.

    When my mom went home, she continued to have nausea and vomiting episodes and then her legs began to really hurt and she began to complain. Months later, the stomach pains and nausea became a nuisance and she was taken back to hospital and her gallbladder was removed. I guess no one ever investigated if she could have PC.

    Even though her gallbladder was removed, my mom still complained about nausea and she began to lose weight. She was a size 10, then a size 8 and … whew … now she is probably a size 4 or 1.

    Yes, she is in stage 4 according to the referral for an MRI and PET scan I received from her primary care doctor. Nobody ever told us what stage. The oncologist did not contact my mom or my dad until Monday August 23rd after I contacted them and asked the scheduling person to please contact my dad who is in my mom’s files as the first contact person.

    Frustration and deep concern has set in to my nerves. My dad is recovering from a stroke and aneurysm and my mom is being diagnosed with PC. My mom’s legs, ankles and feet are swelling and she is in pain and uncomfortable. She is weary of eating because she does not want to bring her food intake back up. I don’t want to see my mom in so much agony and pain.

    I love my mom so much. She has been such a strong influence in the lives of so many. Her patience and love has been the strength of our family. She has been kind and generous to so many. She is like an “angel”. She is a saint. I keep praying, asking for this to PC to be removed from her body. I want a well and healthy and happy mom. I don’t want her to go out like this. She has struggled enough through economic hard times and has risen above it. She has always been there for me and my siblings and my dad. She has withstood the test as a Pastor’s wife – from the conception of our church organization. She is a great woman.

    I am not ready for my mom to leave. More than that, I don’t want my dad to be alone without my mom. More than that, I don’t want her to suffer and be in pain.

    Mom, I love you. Please God, Heal my mom. Make her well, Please.

  159. Lou Says:

    Jeanette,
    so sorry to hear about your Mum. My brother (aged 50) passed away last week from PC. He was diagnosed 1st April 2010 – PC with secondaries to the liver, inoperable but endured a couple of rounds of chemo before he was too sick to continue. He just faded away before our eyes and in 4 short months we lost him. I know the reality seems unbearable – we are still coming to terms with the fact that 4 months ago he was surfing and complaining about back pain and nausea and now he is gone.

    My only advice is – cherish all the time you have with your Mum, make sure that her pain is controlled – very important as it progresses radically, I know your family will be in disbelief but you have to come to terms with it and for her sake (and yours) say everything you need to say. It’s a horrible, painful time for everyone.

    Be as prepared as you can and find a good hospice – they can offer heartfelt support to your Mum and all your family. My brother was lucky (?) to be able to stay at home until he passed however that was only because his loving wife was prepared to do EVERYTHING for him to make that possible.

    My best wishes and love to you all x x x

  160. emily Says:

    I hate PC!!! my dad is suffering from PC right now. SUFFERING! he was dx in July and now only 2 months later, he has decided to go off chemo and to “go on”.

    I have never seen anything as vicious as this disease.

    There are no words for this prolonged suffering it is just so heartbreaking… my dad – a man who was like superman, amazingly kind and compassionate to everyone. Chemo did nothing but make him sicker. They couldnt do surgery because the tumor was wrapped around his artery.

    He begged …”Please, just tell me what to do and I will do it…” He wants to live so badly. I’ve never hated anything in my life… but I HATE YOU PC!!! I hate you!

    I miss you Daddy, I love you. I wish I could save you, like you saved me so many times. I am so sorry that you hurt so bad. I wish you peace and comfort. I love you.

  161. Elwyn Says:

    I last wrote on 14 June 10. My Mum went into pallative care on 13 July. I flew down from Cairns on the 15 July and she passed away on the 18 July. We still thought that she would be able to come home for a couple of months, with me caring for her. The doctors didn’t tell us that the end was near but they were able to keep her pain, under control (including from her broken pelvis). We were pleased about that, as each one of her children, at different times, had PROMISED her that she would not suffer pain. Her five children, grandchildren, 90 year old sister and 2 cousins, 85 and 86 all said their goodbyes. Although she was 84 we felt that she had been cheated out of “a few months” maybe because of her fall. “She was the Rock of our Family” and she did know that she was loved.

  162. James Russ II Says:

    My 67 yr. old Uncle was sent to the hospital one week ago. Today they dx him with PC. Gave him less than a month to live. I am in shock and disbelief! He has a 16 yr. old daughter whos mother died only 2 yrs. ago. I know that The Lord will get us through ALL this. I am going to pick him up at hospital in morning to bring him back home. I guess in a month I will be saying I can’t believe it happened so fast. Pray for us.

  163. Wedding Says:

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  164. emily Says:

    My dad passed on my birthday just a few days after my post above. After a while our prayers change from “God, Please cure and heal” to “God be merciful, Please end the suffering.”

    I feel like God answered our prayers on my brithday. And my dad is waiting on the great shore for us to join him some day.

    My thoughts are with you all and with your doctors – may they have divine insight.

  165. Cynthia Says:

    I have a 43 year old niece just diagnosised with PC with-in the past week. She went to the hospital thinking she was going to have gall bladder surgery because she has had symptoms for over a year of gall stones. They did a biopsy of tissue but did not find any gall stones but her bile duct was completely stopped up. She was admitted to the hospital because she was jaundice and her urine was very brown on friday morning when she went to the bathroom. At this point the doctors have been back and forth about “how long” she has and their opinion of treatment to make her life longer.Today she is meeting with the oncologist. We know who the great physician is and He is going to do whatever He knows best. Saying goodbye to a loved one is never easy how ever they leave us. She has a daughter 15, a son 18 years old and has been married for 20 years. Her brother just relocated to a local church church to pastor and we were all so excited thinking our Heavenly Father planned this for her daddy because he is going blind. Her brother lived a couple hundred miles away and everyday gets worse and worse for her dad–well little did we know that God’s plan was to relocate her brother almost in her backyeard to be the current pastor of a very sweet church. God’s plan is like a puzle and He is is the Master of each piece. Our thoughts are not always His thoughts—-we thought we had everyting figured out and life for our family was going to get better and better. My sisterand brother-in-law, nephew, niece and my other family members seem as if we are going through motions. We will be good thoguht because we have someone greter than man that is leading and guiding our every step. God is good! He will never leave us nor forsake us.

  166. Priti Says:

    My dad was my inspiration, my courage, my best friend. My Greatest dad in this world…died of PC in June 2010. I miss him terribly. When dad was diagnosed in July 2010…the going was hell. Dad was no more the same again. We saw it all thru his struggle to live. The only thing that kept dad and us on toe was HOPE. The earlier 3-4 months months, there were times when we were happy of seeing dad recipient to Chemo and Radiation, but finally it was declared by docs that nothing can happen, as no surgery could be conducted. It was terrible feeling for all of us, as we were not ready to accept the defeat. It was ugly feeling to see my dad go thru all this and to feel close proximity of death. Tody im sure my dad is happy out there in heaven and sure is an angel….as i feel all the goodness around.

  167. Kristen Says:

    I really don’t like PC either. My dad died of it when I was in fourth grade. Now I am in 8th grade, and my whole life is different. I used to have the perfect family, but it all changed after dad died. Mom got drunk all the time, and kept trying to commit suicide. She is still in rehab, and I was forced to live with my Aunt and Uncle. It ruined my life. I have such a hard time. I still pray, but it’s really hard. I have these dreams where my big strong daddy is hugging me. I feel his warmth, then I wake up and I am empty, cold. I pray for everyone out there suffering with PC.

  168. Kaib Says:

    I loved the way of writing the post. I will recommend the site to my friends!
    Thanks!

  169. Sissy Says:

    my mom was diagnosed on 1/6/2010 turned 58 1/12/2010 and passed on 7/21/2010 …these stories here are all to REAL. May god bless us all and the GOVERNMENT to put forth more effort into finding a CURE!

  170. AG Says:

    My heart has turned cold, black and has broken in two . My mother is dying from PC. It kills me everyday when I think about her suffering. The person who I have known all my life to be self sufficient, strong-minded, fiesty is now lying in the bed weak and helpless. It hurts me that my grandmother who has had two mild strokes and is losing her memory have to witness her first born dying. No parent never want to live to see their child like this. Even though I have other relatives, my grandmother and mother are the only two that is the closes to me. I trust them with my life. I am losing my mother and I hope that my grandmother will be strong for herself, my mother and me since we only have each other now. Back in the day I use to always get annoyed when my mother started complaining to me about me from being sloppy to procrastinating.I would kill to have her back home yelling at me again. All my life I have been dependent on my mom. I am not as vocal as my mother nor sharpminded as her I always look to her for guidance and I am sad that she won’t be here for me or my future kids ( if I ever decide to have any). I missed having our conversations about men, relationships, politics and etc, but now she don’t even talk she just sleeps all the damn time because of the painkillers. It’s not like I never thought she can be taken away from me, but I never expected cancer to be her downfall. Whenever I get settled, I have plans to take care of my grandmother and have her come stay with me so we can be their for each other. I need her and she needs me. My advice is to cherish your loved ones while they still here. I wish I can go back and undo somethings but i can’t. Everytime I visit my mother and grandmother I always give them a kiss and tell them I love them. I am not a very affectionate person and I don’t always tell people how I feel, but i know that they both know I love them with all my heart even though we may bump heads every now and then. There are times when I get angry at God and just want to curse his name. I hope he understand that I am hurting and angry and that he forgives me. I have my days when I just want to suffer with her and end it all, but then I can hear my mother’s voice and remember she would not want that for me and she will not rest in peace if I harmed myself. There is nothing left to do but to just live my life and become the person she wants me to be and I pray that her spirit will sheild me. I know that one day we will be together again when my time comes and that we can catch up on old times.I am glad that there are websites like this and for us to share our feelings about losing a special person to this horrific illness.

  171. emily Says:

    @ AG
    i know how you feel and you are not alone.

  172. Corey Stewart Says:

    I found your blog on bing. I think it’s pretty cool.

  173. Lori Says:

    I was looking for a website on what happens in the final days of pancreatic cancer and found this one! Thanks to everyone for your brave, but sad, posts.
    My lovely and loving sister-in-law is dying of pancreatic cancer. She is married to my brother and they have young sons, between the ages of 10 and 16. She was originally diagnosed nearly 3 years ago and has been fighting it with chemotherapy ever since. It was diagnosed fairly early and she has been fighting it as hard as she can for her young sons and more. She wants to live! She is thinking about the inevitable but still hoping for life. It is slowly slipping away from her now and she gave up her job 5 weeks ago and now spends her days trying to eat as much healthy food as she can and going in for paracentesis and continues chemotherapy. She is sleepy much of the time but says she spends many of those hours just laying down and closing her eyes.
    What a terrible disease to steal away the life of a loving mother and friend. So very sad. Blessings to all who share in this tragic loss of loved ones

  174. Dorothy Says:

    To all of you who have had to deal with this dreadful form of cancer, because I think of all the cancers this is one of the worst. I lost my Dad on November 9th to this most dreadful disease. He was 87. He lived a wonderfully beautiful life and I am very grateful. He was also very grateful for his life and ready to accept his fate. But why don’t doctors really tell you the truth of this horrible cancer of the pancreas. They literally starve to death!. I can’t believe they offered chemo to my Dad who had already lost 40-50 lbs and was very weak — what to gag and be sick and even weaker??? at the age of 87???? There is not alot of evidence that chemo works even relatively well for pancreatic cancer.

    Dad had time to talk to us and we to him about how much we loved him etc… he spent his last days in a wonderful palliative care residence with incredible care and respect. We will miss him so much and I hope that no other person has to suffer from this horrible disease.

    Dorothy

  175. Fearful Says:

    Three weeks ago my 91-year-old grandfather was taken by ambulance to the hospital with severe stomach pain. We buried him last Monday. They sent him home on hospice and even with the morphine, he suffered terribly. Now my dad is in the hospital again. His health has been failing for several years but no one has ever been able to figure out why. Chronic fatigue, severe back pain, no appetite, nausea and vomiting with no fever, spends most of his time sleeping, blood clots, swollen feet and ankles, now difficulty breathing … and he tells me that tomorrow they are going to do catherization because they think it’s his HEART ?!? Hello, I am no doctor but I think my dad has the same thing as Grandpa! Would someone F-ing look at his pancreas ?!? And, here’s another thing, I have an appointment with my doc tomorrow because I have had a swelling in my upper left abdomen that I have ignored for at least six months. I am always tired, my feet always hurt, and most days the lymph nodes in my neck are tender and sore. Pancreatic cancer runs in families! Anyone who has posted to this page, make sure you stay on top of your health !!!!!!!!

  176. LilyS Says:

    My father died of PC in 1968 and was buried on my second birthday. I have absolutely no memories of him. Hate does not begin to describe how I feel about this cancer. Now that I am approaching the age at which he died, I live in fear that it will get me too and I will leave my children behind.

  177. AG Says:

    LILYS

    I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY LAST MONTH. OUT OF EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY SHE IS THE FIRST THAT WE KNOW OF TO GET CANCER. THE CANCER WAS REALLY UNEXPECTED. I AM ALSO AFRAID THAT I CAN GET IT. IT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH MY MOTHER SUFFER THE WAY SHE DID. SHE WAS LOSING WEIGHT NOT BEING ABLE TO MOVE AFROUND AND DO THINGS FOR HERSELF LIKE SHE USE TO. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH HER MIND. RELYING ON OTHERS HAD TO BE UNDIGNIFYING FOR HER. I KNOW THERE THINGS SHE WANTED TO DO SUCH AS TRAVELING, GOING TO SEE THE LION KING ON BROADWAY,WATCHING ME MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF. IT PAINS ME THAT SHE DID’NT LIVE LONG TO DO THOSE THINGS. I HAVE SO MANY REGRETS. WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL I SPENT THE NEXT 1OYRS SITTING AROUND AND DOING NOTHING. RIGHT NOW I SHOULD BE HAVING MORE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW BUT I DON’T. I HAVE NOONE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF. I WISH THAT I CAN GO BACK IN TIME AND MAKEUP FOR THOSE WASTED YEARS. I’M JUST SAD THAT SHE HAD TO DIED BEFORE I CAN EVEN GET MY LIFE TOGETHER. ON HER DEATH BED SHE SAID ALL SHE WANTED WAS FOR ME TO LIE MY LIFE AND GET GO TO SCHOOL TO GET MY MASTERS THAT IS HOW I AM GOING TO HONOR HER. EVEN THOUGH I AM GETTING OLDER ( I WILL BE 30YRS OLD NEXT YEAR) I AM STILL YOUNG. I WANNA DO THE TYPICAL THING SUCH AS DATING,TRAVELING, FIND HOBBIES BE A BUSINESS WOMAN ETC. I WANT HER TO LOOK DOWN ON ME FROM HEAVEN WITH A SMILE OF PRIDE ON HER FACE. SHE WAS MY ONE TRUE FRIEND WHO NEVER B.S ME. MY FATHER WAS NEVER AROUND AND SHE WAS THE ONLY PARENT WHO WAS THERE FOR ME FROM THE START. SHE IS MY GAURDIAN ANGEL. I MISS HER DEARLY. TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAS LOST SOMEONE TO THIS DEADLY CANCER AND WHO HAD TO WATCH THEM GO THROUGH THE PAIN MY HEART BLEEDS FOR YOU AS WELL AS MYSELF AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOST THE BATTLE TO PC OR ANY OTHER CANCER.

    R.I.P

    TO MY MOTHER PHYLLIS AND OTHER CANCER VICTIMS

    P.S MOTHER, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE TIMES I DID’NT THINK SO, I WAS LUCKY TO HAVE A MOTHER LIKE YOU. I HOPE THAT EVERYTHING THAT I ADMIRED ABOUT YOU WILL BE INSTALLED IN ME.

  178. Reina Says:

    To everyone affected by the pancreatic monster, especially those who have lost their beautiful mothers,

    It is with the greatest regret of my life that I understand you and share your agony. 3 months later and the shock is still a bleeding, stinging wound. There is absolutely nobody in the world like Mom.

    She was also our dad, so Father’s Day was always joyfully celebrated in her honor. But this year, the dreadful tumor was found. It also happened a week after I graduated from nursing school, and the devastation goes on from there. Never did we appreciate the miracle of every day as we did for the next 3 cherished months. Every moment, every experience, every breath was truly a gift from God. WHY, WHY, WHY…

    70 years young. Active participant at church. She was doing so well with her health and fitness routine, but the “monster mask” creeped in and eventually took over. Yet, it never took over her FAITH and HOPE. Her last words I remember were “PLEASE, HELP ME FIGHT THIS THING.”

    We never said goodbye, but we said I Love You. And although I wish so badly like many people here to have done this or that, or have said such and such, not once do I find myself saying I should have loved her more or tried to have been a better daughter. I said tried, ok, because nobody is perfect.

    Mamacita linda, I pray for you every day and thank you for all you have done and continue to do. My life is forever changed and I miss you with my whole, shattered heart every day. Never in my most terrible living nightmares could I have imagined this for you and I’m sorry every day that it happened to you. But as you taught us, “Uno propone y Dios dispone,” (man proposes and God disposes).

    I LOVE YOU MAMI FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER… AMEN.

  179. Reina Says:

    My beautiful Mom:

    http://www.firstgiving.com/Gregoria

    Because everyone here is human with a face and a heart, not simply a God-awful statistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  180. dominick squeo Says:

    After reading the stories on this this disease has to be addressed by the cancer community as the most dangerous cancer ever.My mother was a long time smoker and diabetic so it put her high risk right away.DX in sept 09 died in jan 10 (stage iv metatstic) the day the oncologist told her she had no hope was pretty devestating.You wonder if you had to die any other way its best to just get hit by a car and not wake up anymore.The pain was unbareable and i tried unconventional methods (marajuana) which helped alot during the first 6 weeks cant say that it was going to get any better at least she got to have one last thanksgiving too with the whole family and got to see everyone. I always told her stop smoking something will happen to you and it did ( to all the smokers here, please stop before its too late),Nurses said its best to take her off space food to let her suffer less, after a day she passed away, I love you mom and i know your ok in a better place you have always been there for me and i will never forget that

  181. Deb P. Says:

    We lost mom 1 year ago last week on 2-2nd from PC and my dad 7 years ago from PC. My brother has pancreatitis and my sister has Crohns Disease so I know the fear that we all share thats been touched by this disease. This has been the hardest year of my life and I cant say Im doing great because I’m not —-but–I’m still here, living, surviving if that makes sense and somehow that brings just a little comfort. I didnt think I could live without my mom but then I look up and God hasnt left my side for a minute it seems this past year. I surely would not be here today if not for Him and that is just the truth of it. He helps and comforts even when we dont deserve it. DP

  182. Dawn McFeeters Says:

    PC is the most horrible cancer ever! My Mom didn’t know she was sick, and neither ofcourse did we. She was diagnosed beccause she couldn’t go to the bathroom. #2, and even then, it took two times in the hospital before they found it. She was diagnosed on August 28th, 2007 and passed away October 28th 207. Two months…two months filled with Drs. and chemo and hair loss and sickness and surgeries and tubes…she passed peacefully at home with hospice, but had only been on hospiceone week and two days plus a few hrs. It took away my ancore…my rock and the only person who loved me for everything I have ever been. From a baby to a mother my self. I was 36 when she passed, she was 59. That is too young and it was too quick and horrible. This needs to be stopped….find a cure…or at least a way to detect it early….that would be a start…instead of finding out you are stage 4 when they tell you!

  183. James Russ II Says:

    I found and left a reply on this website exactly 180 days ago about my Uncle being diagnosed with PC. He passed on to a better place this afternoon. The last six months were tough. He wanted to live for his daughter and only recently surrendered. Today, he was alone with his sister at the nursing home. He had been unresponsive all day. He all of a sudden opened his eyes, looked up at her, smiled, let out his breath and that was it. At least he was so out of it the last few days that I don’t think he was suffering. He will be missed by his family ALOT. I pray that God grant Acceptance and Peace to all those going through this life trial. I can’t see any way to beat this disease, I pray God will point the scientists and doctors in the correct direction towards discovery of a cure. God bless you all that be involved with PC, or any cancer.

  184. Jennifer S. Says:

    I just lost my husband to PC. He was diagnosed on August 20, 2010 and passed away at our home on March 11, 2011. He had been having stomach problems since 2008 but the doctors kept diagnosing him with one problem or another until we went to another doctor for a third opinion.

    I never thought that PC could take a person that fast. He fought every step of the way. He never gave up and he never lost his faith. He was only 47. I kept him as comfortable as possible and Hosparus was with him the last couple months. We were married for 19 years and I miss him terribly. I hate all cancer! I feel for anybody that has gone through this (or will go through this). It is very hard to watch a love one experience what PC does to your body. It doesn’t matter whether that person is a mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa or a friend, PC takes their life away from them way too soon. I hope the doctors can find a cure soon.

    I can only say at this time that I am thankful that he is no longer suffering. He truly enjoyed life and I know that he would not have wanted to live with PC and what it was doing to his body. He lived his life to the fullest – until his last breathe.

    P.S. Mark, I miss you terribly and each day seems worse than the day before without having you beside me. I pray that you are now at peace and cancer free and that God has his loving arms around you.

  185. MJ Says:

    My father-in-law, the sweetest man in the world, is suffering from PC right now. It is horrible. It is looking like the end is near for him. Thank the Lord, this is not our home, and that we will all be together again one day. I LOVE YOU ROGER!!!!

  186. Alysha Favolise Says:

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  187. Julie Says:

    I am writing about my loss because I have found much needed comfort in reading about everyone’s experience. I lost my dad a year ago April. I replay the horrible experience over and over in my mind. After having a blood clot in his leg the doctor saw spots on his liver. Then he was diagnosed with stage 4 pc and passed away 8 days later. A day after he was diagnosed he was in the hospital and 1 day later he was unable to respond to any of us. We had to have hospice care for him the following day. One of the thigs that really upsets me is the way my father was given this death sentence. My parents and sister and I were in an examining room at the oncologist’s office (I was actually sitting on the examining table) and the doctor came in and told us it was stage 4 and there was nothing that could be done. My heart breaks because my 1 year old daughter will never know what a wonderful man my father was. He was the grandfather that every kid would want. I miss him so much. It’s very hard because people expect that because it’s been over a year I should be “over it”. I think about him all the time and feel so horrible that we had no time with him. I know that he never would have wanted to suffer, but selfishly I wish we could all have had him for longer! I’m glad there are others out there that understand.

  188. Betsy Says:

    Nine years ago, I lost my grandfather to lung cancer. I was nine years old, and my remaining memories of him are fleeting, which kills me. I found out one week ago that my grandmother, his wife, has pancreatic cancer and has the usual estimated lifespan of 3-6 months. She lives 13 hours away and I’m scared that I’ll lose my memories of her, too. My father and the rest of her children are leaving in three days to see her, and I’ve been forbidden to go with them, because this is my senior year of high school and I can’t afford to miss any school. I feel so angry and so sad at the same time, and I just have no outlet. At home, I just sit and stare at nothing, just trying to dig up the old memories of my grandparents and I don’t want to lose my grandmother. I can’t imagine what you all have gone through, losing people so close to you, and I dread the day I do.

  189. Rosemary Says:

    My mom is in a palliative care facility. She was supposed to be there while being treated for a spine infection. She had been diagnosed with PC in early March, 2011. It is now May 26 and there she lays, in bed, barely able to mutter a word. The pain of seeing like this is too hard to bear! I don’t know what to do. I love her so much and I don’t want her to go. I keep feeling that there must have been something we could have done sooner or insisted that the hospitals act faster. But now I know its too late and it hurt so so much.

  190. Rosemary Says:

    It’s me again. My mom passed away this morning. I know she couldn’t live forever, but no matter what the age when you lose a parent you become a child again — feeling alone, abandoned, scared — thinking what happens to me now? There’s no one here but me.
    Doesn’t the medical community know what a devastating and ghastly disease PC is? It’s the fourth largest cause of cancer deaths and through the whole process it became aware to me that no medical facility/hospital could offer relief from the havoc that PC wreaks on a persons body. I failed. My mother died and I tried so hard!

  191. Kim Says:

    My mom died a year ago today from PC, and the experience continues to hurt me deeply. She was misdiagnosed with peritoneal cancer and underwent debulking surgery to remove as much tumor as possible before treatment. After surgery, we learned that the tumor was in the pancreas, and the debulking was not necessary. In fact recovery from the surgery delayed any chemo or radiation treatment for many weeks.

    She stayed with me after her surgery and we researched endless alternatives, switched to a higher ranked cancer facility, and remained optimistic. My mom had little appetite and she was weak, but she was still talking on the phone with her friends, laughing with her grandchildren, and planning on fighting for her life.

    Three days before her chemo treatment was to begin, she experienced sharp, significant pain in her stomach, and was transported via ambulance to the emergency room. An emergency surgery on a perforated colon was unsuccessful as the advanced PC had aggressively invaded her intestines. She died of sepsis.

    She died nine weeks after the initial CT scan. We never got a chance to try ANY treatment. This day brings no peace, only continued hurt and disbelief. She was 67 years old and had just retired. She never saw this coming. I tell myself over and over that she is in a better place now, and I hope one day I will believe it.

  192. Genevieve Says:

    I am a runner and lost my mom to pancreatic cancer at the age of 24, about two years ago. We can keep victims of this tragic disease alive by living out their legacy. For me that means to continue to be strong, mentally and physically, every day, just the way my mom taught me to be.

  193. Shelby Turner-Durieux Says:

    Pancreatic cancer toke my daddy sooo fast;(
    He was diagnosed January 15, 2011&&passed away May 17, 2011;(
    He was really my step-dad but when i was really tiny my real father walked out.
    Then he came along&&he was my daddy.
    Well he was so excited to walk me down the aisle to my fiance on my wedding day which was May 21, 2011 but on the 17th he went into a coma&&i got on my brother’s phone who was there wit my daddy&&asked if he could put the phone to my daddy’s ear so i could say something.
    Even tho he couldnt talk back im sure he could hear me, I told him i loved him&&he doesnt have to hang on for my weding he needs to be free&&out of pain.
    Then his vaitels dropped&&then my fiance told him he promises to take care of me&&just 10 mins later he passed;(
    My daddy funeral was the May 20, 2011 the day before my wedding which was hard;(
    My mommy wound up walking me to my fiance in the place of dad.
    I wish he could have made it but he fought this cancer hard but he just couldn’t fight any longer;(
    He is deeply loved&&missed by many.
    He waighed 265 lbs when he was healthy&&when he passed he was down to 160 lbs;(
    I am only 16&&he was only 50, 51 June 12, 2011;(

    ♥R.I.P Charles E. Turner Jr. AKA Daddy♥
    06/12/60-05/17/11
    ♥iloveyudaddy♥

  194. Kira Says:

    These posts are written by amazing beautiful people full of life. You are all leaving some shred of hope for all of us effected by this horrible disease. I have never blogged in my life, but today I’ve been searching for something, I don’t know what, and came across this site. My mom (60) years young, was diagnosed on February 27th 2011 with PC. She was walking 5miles a day almost everyday. This diagnoses was found through her regular check up. She had back pain, but blew it off because she’s always had back pain. My mom is active, health conscious and outgoing and since February has taken a drastic turn toward death. I am leaving home (Atlanta) to fly to Hawaii to see her. My dad and family are with her and say she only has as little as a week left. I can’t believe it! I am so saddened and feel helpless as I can’t do anything. I took my children to see her in April to say good bye. Then she was taking low doses of morphine, but looked amazing. You’d never know for a second that this cancer was stage 4 and taking over her entire body. Dad says she hasn’t eaten in over a week and is now on very high doses of all sorts of pain killers. She has withered away and is just suffering. I am hoping I get there in time to just hold her hand and love her. She has been the most amazing person in my life. Never complaining, living for others, selfless and full of joy. Even just days after her diagnosis, she said she was at peace and was blessed enough to live such a wonderful life. I couldn’t believe it. We just don’t want to let her go. We have to though…..to hold on is to keep her from the freedom to let go and be at peace. I HATE cancer! This poem is for all of you- Cancer is so limited.
    It cannot cripple love,
    It cannot shatter hope,
    It cannot corrode faith,
    It cannot destroy peace,
    It cannot kill friendship,
    It cannot suppress memories,
    It cannot silence courage,
    It cannot invade the soul,
    It cannot steal eternal life,
    It cannot conquer the Spirit.
    ~ Author Unknown
    Peace to you all.

  195. SaraLee Says:

    Pancreatic Cancer took my mom away 7 years ago. That was one of the hardest times times in my life. I believe she also suffered a broken heart because my father cheated on her. I caught my father with another woman and my mother denied it after I told her. But she revealed things at the very end of her life that was very sad. Sometimes I wish I never shared what truths I knew and maybe she would have lived longer. Then, a few months ago my father was diagnosed of esophageal cancer. I took care of him til he passed away. I forgave him and did all I could to make his life comfortable and pain free to the end, exhausting as it was for me. Then after his death, I found some letters & writings hidden under his drawer that revealed other affairs and that he cheated women to the end of his life. I wished that I hadn’t seen any this and it bother’s me so, that I must bury this and not share this family secret. I miss my mother very much and sadly not my father… I know now that my mother is in a place of peace and happiness through a couple of dreams of her visiting me. When I reflect on that, I am comforted.

  196. Rosemary Mangino Says:

    My mom died 1 month and 2 days ago from pancreatic cancer. I’m 60 years old and have been through a lot of things in my life and I hear and agree with you when you say it was the hardest time of my life. You have your regrets and I have mine. Mine is that I didn’t fight the medical community harder in getting her the care she needed in order to be comfortable and free from the fear she expressed to us the night before she died.
    I so much share your loss and your pain.

  197. Daniele Hork Says:

    I dont know what I was looking for (as others said) when I reached this website today. My father died of pancreatic cancer over a year ago, but its hit me lately more than ever. At the beginning I tried to avoid all feelings about him, all memories that I could. I definaetely ha the flashbaks from his death coming to me every know and then as I was present as a caregiver and at his death. Im still not sure if this has been a good thing for me, I mean to experience all of this so vividly but I wouldnt have had it any other way anyways. Im just so sad and hurt and angry and I have no one to share it with because no one acually gets it. and what makes me the most sad is that I go through my daily life as if nothing happened (had only three weeks of time off when he died even as hi caregiver, along with my mum helping me while I was at work), almost trying to show that im fine and that nothing has changed, and that I will go on and continue what needs to be done. But thats the thing you see, and what ive realized ..is that NOTHING will every be the same in anyways and ever again. I just cant deal with the fact that es gone and that i will never have the pleasure and honour of this company again. Maybe its just grief now and ive been going through avoidance, but how can you grasp the idea of death, of someone so close to you dying and gone forever. It makes me feel like life cheated us. I keep comparing myself to others and how I am unlucky in that sense, but know at the same time that I have been so lucky and blessed with such a wonderful man, mentor and friend. Even my 25 years with him were the best of my life. I guess I just wanted to share that, as well as my pain and my grief as I go through this process. THank you for sharing with me, it makes me feel a whole lot better to know that others share the pain of a loved lost. Its funny about how you dont know the feeling until it happens to you. And boy its painful, so very painful. Thats it. I have no more to say, there is nothing left to say, only sadness. But such is life. Thanks for reading

  198. ella Says:

    God Bless to all of you and your precious relatives taken by this terrible disease. I lost my dad in 2007. He, too, had been unwell and losing weight and became jaundiced. He was rushed to the emergency room after vomitting blood one evening and told that he required an operation to find the source of internal bleeding when he was stabilized. The following morning he vomitted copious amounts of blood went into cardiac arrest and died. We were told that he had pc that had spread to his liver. He had been due to see a specialist for thorough examination to find the cause of back pain, jaundice and weightloss four weeks after he died. I will never get over my dad dying alone in a hospital. I wish i could win the lottery and give all the money to pc research.

  199. Ray Says:

    First off, reading all these entries are somewhat therapeutic for me, making me feel like I am not the only one whose loved one is being consumed by this evil life sucking monster. I am about to fly out of the country within the next 24 hours to go visit my dying mother and it will probably be the last time I get to see her. She found out about her 4th stage pc in April and the doctor told us last week that she will not live past August.

    My mom’s name is Julie and she is 67. She is one of the most sweetest, nicest, and generous person you would have ever met. She was full of life, love, and kindness and I wish you all could have met her. Every week she would go hike in the mountains and sing karaoke with her friends at the community center. As she is coming towards the very end of life, my greatest prayer is that her suffering would be short and the transition to the next life would be swift.

    I am a 34 year old mature independent established male and I can’t stop crying like a damn newborn baby. My heart goes out to each and every one here who has lost a loved one to this cursed cancer. I love my mom more than life itself and I am never going to be the same again. They say that life goes on, but to me it feels like the whole world has just stood still. I keep hearing that the pain will subside, but I have a difficult time believing it when every small like thing, like going to the grocery story and seeing a mother with her baby, makes me cry more than yesterday. One day, somehow, my faith will carry me through this. And as I continue to contemplate how far would I go just so that I could be with her, I know deep down I need to figure out some way to stand up and move forward, because she would want me to live, be happy, and one day have my own family.

    Love you mom. . .

  200. Dennise Says:

    Ray – No matter how old we are – how strong we seem – how much we accept – … at the end of the day, we are still the children of these wonderful fathers and mothers who are being taken from us so harshly. We just want our moms and dads to be there to celebrate life with us… My mom died at 63 years of age in October 2009. Does it get easier? In some ways the shock has worn off and the acceptance that this has really happened sets in, but in other ways it becomes more painful, because we realize the loss is forever and not something that we can ever “fix”. But be assured that your mom would want you to live your life to the fullest, to experience all of its joys and heartache. Tell her you lover her- be her little boy and cry with her. All of this is what makes you the boy she raised. The man you are and the person who can write such a beautiful tribute to her.

  201. Ann Says:

    My father was diagnosed with PC on May 26, 2011. He has had four chemo treatments and scheduled for two more. Unfortunately, I do not have any brothers or sisters so my dad depends on me to help. My dad is 86 and my mom is 87. My biggest problem right now is my husband who thinks the “nurses” should be taking care of my dad……not me. My husband is a jerk and he is the one who should have pancreatic cancer.

  202. Rosemary Says:

    Having been one of my mother’s caregivers during the three short months she struggled with pc, I know the immense pressure, stress, and anxiety you’re going through. Your husband, if he’s putting pressure on you to have a nurse take care of her, tell him that for 7 weeks I was with my mom 24 seven. As a family we did all we could and put 4 pounds on her in one week. When the hospital, despite our objections, put her in a facility to be cared for, she lasted less than 3 weeks. And no, it wasn’t a comfortable and peaceful experience for her. We fought constantly with the facility to make sure she was cared for as we cared for her and how they promised us they would. In the end she died of a build up of fluid in her lungs. She couldn’t breathe. They didn’t offer her oxygen. They didn’t try to drain the fluids from her lungs. They would give her doses of pain medication that made her incoherent, not comfortable!!

    Don’t let you mom go through this! What your doing you’re doing in love and compassion. You are a beautiful and strong person for wanting to provide the best care you her. If you husband can’t see your strengths and your goodness, then yes, I have to agree that he is a jerk.

  203. Julie Says:

    I find comfort in reading all of these posts. It helps me know I am not alone even though I feel so alone. My father has pancreatic cancer. Right now I am making his requested meal. Hot dogs in tomato sauce with potatoes and peas. Doesn’t sound appetizing to me but when he requests something, I make it since he doesn’t always have an appetite. I moan and groan in the early morning wondering how I will get through another day but somehow, as difficult as it is, I get through another day. All the early signs are the same……the weight loss, no appetite, back pain, jaundice, fever….it all amazes me as I read these posts. Thanks for being here.

  204. Julie Says:

    To Fearful from December 2010…..You are saying what I have been thinking. Staying on top of our own health is more important now than ever. Very good point you make in your posting.

  205. ALF Says:

    My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in January of this year. Despite being caught at a stage II, and having had surgery which removed the tumor entirely, he is lying in a hospital bed as we speak, with uncontrolled pain that has him crying like a baby. The surgery was in February, and by May, he already had a local recurrence of the cancer in the celiac plexus area (which is a nerve hub and causes great pain). My dad is the greatest guy. He doesn’t deserve this. My heart is broken and I’m fearful I will never be able to forget these last months. It is so horrible to watch someone who was just a few short months ago full of life, disinigrate into a helpless, defenseless person who can’t get out of bed and is crippled by excruciating pain. Pancreatic cancer is a life ruiner.

  206. Rosemary Says:

    I’m not a doctor but my mom was also in a lot of pain that even the people at Sloan Kettering couldn’t get under control. I read where the doctors can perform some kind of nerve block which cuts off the pain signals to the brain. Maybe you can speak to the doctors about it. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s been two months since I lost my mom and I can’t get what she went through out of my head. To say that pancreatic cancer is a life ruiner is an understatement.

  207. Julie Says:

    ALF and Rosemary, I hear a lot about pain. When does the pain begin? While I find comfort knowing all these people who have posted their thoughts have gone through or are going through what I’m going through, I also find it frightening. What is going to happen next? I don’t want to watch this happen. It’s like a death sentence. My father is 86 and has been an active member of our community volunteering and helping so many people up until May 17, 2011. Today he had his fifth chemo treatment. What’s going to happen? He is so weak that he couldn’t lift the milk carton out of the refrigerator. I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to get out of bed because I can’t face the day and all my responsibilities. I’m spoiled because my father has always been able to take care of my mom, the house, finances, etc. and now I have to take this on alone with no brothers or sisters. I’m so scared. We will know more, maybe, on August 16 after a CT scan.

  208. Tia Says:

    I am so so so sorry to read all these posts.
    PANCREATIC CANCERS SUCKS!
    My father died of pc exactly a month and a day ago. I feel every day that goes by pulls me farther from him.
    I am an artist and I actually made a drawing of my dad 10 minutes before he passed away. He was a very big strong and incredibly active man – in the final stages of PC he was a walking skeleton. PC robbed him of his dignity. I prey that he was able to come to terms with dying and is at peace now, because I know the concept of dying was so difficult for him.
    The worst part of it all is that he actually lived relatively long after his terminal diagnosis – they gave him 6 months and he lived a year and a half! But the terminal diagnosis changed him forever…. he was so depressed.
    PANCREATIC CANCER IS NOT A SEXY DISEASE – It has a long and awkward name and targets a part of the body no one really knows about…… so the funding isn’t there. I hadn’t even really heard of the disease until my dad’s terminal diagnosis.

    It is important that all of us spread awareness of the disease… and get checked out ourselves.

    WE MUST STICK TOGETHER! MY HEART IS WITH YOU ALL!!

  209. Julie Says:

    Tia, How old was your father when he was diagnosed with PC and did he have chemo? I heard my father tell his friend today while on the phone that it will be a long road to recovery. I don’t think he realizes the seriousness of PC and what is to come based on all the postings above. He has had five chemo treatments and the sixth one is scheduled for next week. Following chemo number six, he will have a CT scan which will determine the progress of the chemo.

  210. rosemary Says:

    Julie, I read your earlier post last week and as much as I wanted to respond to it, it was too difficult to explain to you what the next step is. All I can tell you is that the weakness continues and your caregiver responsibilities will grow. I was initially my mother’s 24/7 caregiver for 7 out of the 12 weeks she lived with the pc diagnosis. My sister, niece, son and I later shared in that responsibility. We all wanted and needed to be close to her as much as we could. We too didn’t know what would be next. We were too afraid to be away from her because we never knew how she would be when we returned. She continually became weaker and weaker so much so that during her last few days, she couldn’t hold a straw in her mouth. But even when she could barely get her words out during our last conversation the night before she died, we didn’t have a clue that the end was so near. As you care for your dad during this time, know and remember that you are fighting against an aggressive and unapologetic foe and you can’t fix the situation. You can only be there and make this time as ‘comfortable’ for him as possible (if such a thing exists with this disease).

  211. Michael Says:

    My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in october 2010 after the doctors failed to properly review her prior X-rays which showed there was a tumour. My father died in May 2010. My mother is in a wonderful palliative care centre and is now sleeping most of the time. She and my dad had a wonderful life. Even at the age of 60, when she goes- probably in a very short while – I will greatly miss her. I feel fortunate I had her for so long and sick in my stomach sad that I and my children will have her and my father no longer. My heart goes out to you who lost your parents and loved ones when you were so young. I hope you find strengthen in the wonderful qualities of their lives and your memories.

  212. Julie Says:

    I live 15 minutes from my dad and now that my dad is feeling a little better, I won’t go over until later today. However, I can’t cope with this diagnosis and the unknown. I have so much anxiety that it makes me nauseated. Should I see my doctor and ask for a medication? If so, what anxiety medication works without side effects? Does anyone know? Also, on days when my dad is feeling better, I don’t spend as much time with him because I have my own family and house to maintain but then I feel guilty that I’m not spending all my time with him. Wish I could feel better but we will know more on August 16 when my dad sees the doctor after having six chemo treatments and a CT scan.

  213. Michelle Says:

    My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2010 after months of misdiagnosed back pain. She passed away in May after trying several rounds of chemo and radiation. I cannot begin to describe how painful it is to see someone you love waste away the way my mom did. She fought so hard to live and was always optimistic despite the continuous set-backs. I miss her so much and hate the fact that my dad is now without his wife of 30 years. I still can’t believe that she is really gone. She was such a wonderful person and I feel lost without her in my life. I will be getting married next year and it kills me that she won’t be there. As a nurse it is especially difficult to go back to “normal” life. I honestly didn’t think I would ever feel like working again but after a taking a few months off I finally went back. I wanted to stay away from work forever but knew I had to go back for fear of becoming a hermit. It wasn’t easy returning to work but it’s getting better. At this point I’m just taking things one day at a time and trying to get back to as “normal” life as possible. I still cry several times a week but it’s not as often as it was; I take this as a sign that things are SLOWLY starting to get better. But it’s difficult and I know that things will never be the same. It’s a constant struggle to figure out how to live my life without my mom and I truly feel for all of you who have posted on this site.

  214. Becky Says:

    I too hate this horrible cancer. My dad was diagnosed on June 17/11 and died July 28/11 just short of six weeks. He was fine in May but starting to get pain and gone only two months later. One thing I would really like to say is about a year before his diagnosis he had started crying alot…he had a terrible childhood but couldnt figure out why he was crying about it 45 years later. My dad of course being a man didnt go to the doctor but when he was diagnosed our family doctor told us the first sign of pancreatic cancer before the pain is severe saddness or depression. My dad was the nicest, most honest man around and I do believe one of the best fathers to walk this earth. Around March of this year well before he was ill…he told all of his kids that he woke up in the middle of the night to see a spinning ball his room with many colors. He was a mechanic and a very straight up guy…he said it spun around his bedroom and hovered over my mom who was his soul mate since he was 14 years old and then he said it flew out the window. Looking back I wonder if it was a guardian angel. He said he had an overwhelming feeling of good. At the time I think he thought he saw something alien…but now I think it was something heavenly. We miss you so much dad!

  215. Julie Says:

    I need to consult with a priest or someone who can help me cope with my dad’s pancreatic cancer. I can’t handle this. I can’t watch my dad die. This isn’t fair. He has worked so hard and he has helped so many people. He was diagnosed with cancer on May 26 and at the age of 87, he still has so much he wants to do and so many people depend on him. He is too good of a person to suffer like this.

  216. brittney rayburn Says:

    so i just want to get things off my chest. my grandma has been fighting pc for about a year now and friday she was told she has about 2 to 8 weeks left. i cant seem to take this im going through all kinds of emotions im going from mad to sad and happy when i hear her voice. its not fair she is only 56 and im not even married or anything. she is suppost to be here on my wedding day telling me how pretty i am, and shes suppost to be here when im giving birth to my first child. i cant let her go, i cant sleep at night and i am not hungry all i can do is think about what all i wanna talk to her about and what all i wanna say. i wanna just tell her i love her and she means the world to me and everything will be ok. my mom is falling apart as well as my other family and its just hard. i know the hard part is yet to come but im just worried that i wont be strong enough when that time comes.

  217. Julie Says:

    I know that I’m not strong enough either. My dad was told today by the doctor to stop the chemo because it really isn’t affecting the cancer. My dad has had six chemo treatments and based on the CT scan, the cancer is still there. At 87 years old, the doctor said my dad probably could not handle a stronger dose of chemo. I feel so sorry for my dad because he was thinking he would fight this pancreatic cancer. He has lived a full and productive life of 87years but it is too short for me. I can’t let go and I don’t want to see him suffer and weaken.

  218. Lori Says:

    I have been sitting here at my desk, reading so many stories of love, kindness, suffering, sadness, strength… It helps in some way to know that our family is not alone in all of this. My 45 year old sister was diagnosed 2 months ago after 6 weeks of doctors trying to nail it down. 6 months ago she was an independent, happy, self-employed mother of a 7 year old girl, and 28 & 26 year old sisters who lost their father to leukemia when they were little. My sister has been nothing less that courageous and bold, strong and determined, and willing to fight at any cost, but it hasn’t been enough. This horrible monster is stealing her life, her breath, her independence, her ability to be a mother to her girls, the youngest of which started her first day of second grade yesterday. It breaks my heart into a thousand pieces every single day. It has changed her so much that I feel like I have already started to lose her and I can hardly bear the thought of her girls without her. When she was diagnosed, she cried about missing watching her 7 year grow up. NOT FAIR! I hate this ef’ing disease so much.

  219. Julie Says:

    Now that I’ve watched what has happened to my dad and now that I hear how common this cancer has become, I would think that it would be very easy to diagnose and catch in the early stages. In my dad’s case, even though he didn’t say this, I think he had a lot of the symptoms but ignored them because he was too busy to take care of himself. He was busy taking care of everyone else.

  220. Tim Says:

    Oh, how do I start? I lost my mom 6 months ago. I’ve seen some good days since then. Today isn’t one. I’m 15, and about a month away from 16 now. Me and my mom’s relationship was close. She went through a devorice, and to get through that she became attached to me and her mother. Then her mother passed away. She became deeply depressed. Me and my sister were the only things keeping her going. For 5 years, she had been doing better. Remairried, to a man with a daughter. But me and my mom always talked everyday I was at her house. Reading stories on here, I feel blessed that I knew she was sick 2 years ago. She got lung cancer. Sadly, the doctor said 5-10 years, or possibly longer or shorter. However, 10 months ago it went to her pancreas. 2 days before she passed, it spread to her abdomen. It was kept secret from me how bad it was getting. But for 3 months I knew she had little time. So I began going out of my way to help her. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but keeping her and her memory alive inside me feels so hard eight now. It’s been six months, but I miss her so much!!!

  221. Julie Says:

    During a CT scan, a blood clot in my dad’s lung was discovered. Now he is giving himself an injection of Arixtra each day. Since starting this Arixtra, he has become weaker and thinner. Is it worth it? My dad has cared and helped so many people in his life. Why does he have to go through this.

  222. John Saccheri Says:

    My Mom, Anna, was diagnosed in Jan 2011 and will be dead in a few days as they just stopped her hydration. What a painful and horrible time this has been. By this time next week, she will have passed. The worst is that it’s like she is gone already since the pain was so bad she is practically dead already. I thought I would have more time with the wonderful woman who raised me. I am so sad. There is nothing I can do for her. How helpless I feel. I love everyone on this message board as we all have a common story. BIG HUGS and your messages make me stronger.

  223. Julie Says:

    John, How old is your mother? My father is 87 and has lead a long and productive life. Not long enough for me though and I hate to be selfish but he has helped so many people and has worked on projects in our community. At this time, the doctor has ended chemo saying it hasn’t helped and each day my dad has less of an appetite. He is so thin and only wants to stay in bed to find his comfortable position. I feel so helpless too.

  224. Lou (Louise) Says:

    John, my heart feels so sad for you. I lost my brother (aged 50) last year after a very short battle with this terrible disease. He was one day surfing and 3 months later he was gone. My mother (who is 86) cannot believe her son, so vital and healthy one minute was taken from us so quickly and in such a horrible way. Yes the pain from this cancer is unbearable even to watch, morphine helps a iittle and I just hope that my brother and everyone’s loved ones going thru this, somehow as the end approaches are not as aware of what is happening as we, who love and watch them leave, are.

    Luv to all going thru this, we are not alone, however it is a club that none of us hoped to be a part of.

    I read this the other day and it really resonated with me. “Missing someone isn’t about how long it is since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something, and wishing they were right there with you”….

  225. Blue Says:

    My aunt just died today of pancreatic cancer. She battled the disease for 2 years and 3 months after her diagnosis. She was a physician (an anesthesiologist) and had the best care from MD Anderson Cancer Center. Still, the disease took a toll on her. She stayed strong until the very end. She had lost so much weight and was in extreme pain towards the end; she had ascities and edema. She is my favorite aunt and I’ll love her forever.

  226. Farouk Says:

    I lost my dad 3 years ago due to PC,me and my mom was next to him and we support him all way long, we try radio , chimo , pills , nothing work the cancers spread, i spend with him all his last 7 months, he used to be a chubby and strong man. our neighbors and friends don’t like to visit him bcz they can’t see him that way skinny and unhealthy , but for me i couldntt figure out how much he changes until i saw some old pictures, i miss him so much, i remember how i used to massage his feet in the hospital for hours and find my self sleeping next to his feet, he had alot of pain.
    he didn’t deserve that. my mom and i didn’t deserve that!! Rest in peace my dad. i’ll never ever forget you .

  227. Julie Says:

    My father passed away on Sunday, September 18 which is also my daughter’s birthday. My daughter posted on her facebook page:
    ‎”28 years ago, i came into my grandfather’s life and today, i watched him peacefully leave mine. he made me a birthday cake every year. we’ll miss you, pap-pap.” My daughter is getting married on October 22 and my dad was supposed to make her cake. Oh, he so wanted to make it to the wedding. Diagnosed May 26 with pancreatic cancer, he made it almost another four months. Pancreatic cancer is a monster, as mentioned in previous posts. My father was bringing up bile and I was there to wipe his mouth each time. Love you forever, Dad.

  228. Elizabeth Says:

    My mom passed away from PC July 9, 2005. It has been six years and I miss her so much still. My birthday is July 10 and she died the day before I turned 24, she always made my birthday so special for me. It makes me so sad that my 8 year old daughter doesn’t will never know her. My story is a lot like others I have read here. At first it was the Gullbladder, then an obstruction from her liver to pancreas, but we were never told she had cancer until she could no longer speak for herself, so I sometimes think she knew but didn’t want to tell any of us, but she never wrote anything about it in her journals. She had been sick for about a year and a half but the doctors or nurses could never answer our question… What’s wrong with her. We were all so shocked when a new doctor, an oncologist called us to the hospital on Friday 7/8/05 and told us she had PC and would not survive the weekend she mpassed at 4:07am 7/9/05. I wish I had known how sick she was. Since there had been no diagnosis I even began to think she was just addicted to pain meds, now I live with the guilt of that and of not spending more time with her in the hospital. I miss her so very much and I just cannot understand the disease. If so nany of us have experienced the same type of circumstances why don’t doctors look harder for this. Why are they still removing gullbladders before they are screening for cancer. Maybe if the would check people for the worst possible thing that could be wrong and work their way down a list instead of trying to treat the simplest thing it could be so then once finally discovered the PC has already taken over and nothing can be done. My mother experienced some of the most common symptoms of PC, why wasn’t that the first thing they looked for. Oh wait because that would take too much of the doctors time and they couldn’t make thousands of dollars performing surguries that are useless. Most doctors rush through appointments and don’t take the time to really listen, they just handout meds and move on to the next victim. What the hell do they teach in medical school? How to stick it up someones a$$. My moms medical bills were out of control and we had good insurance, but two operations and countless times of being admitted through the ER only to be sent home the next day is very expensive, my dad had to file bankruptcy and lost his house. We have to stop doctors that are only doctors to make money, doctors are supposed to want to cure people. I hate doctors!!!!!!!! I just really miss my mom and it is so unfair!!!!!!!

  229. Rosemary Mangino Says:

    I’ve followed your posts over the past few months and I’ve dreaded this moment during all of that time. I’m so so sorry for the loss of your dad. My mom died on the morning of May 27th. Four months later and I still can’t stop the pain I feel inside for not having been able to do more for her. But now you need to take care of you — its very important for you and for your family. PC leaves devastating and long lasting effects on everyone in its path. (Easily said, but not easily done.)

  230. Rosemary Mangino Says:

    The type, extent and quality of medical care rests on two elements — money and the age of the patient. It was determined (by the medical community without consulting with the family) that the value of my mom life had she survived was not sufficient enough to warrant the resources and manpower needed to take care of her. Even to the point where the palliative care unit she was sent to (under the guise of her needed long term care to be treated for a bacterial infection) did nothing but give her a bed and lots of morphine (because she was ‘difficult’ by their definition) contrary to everything we were told when we agreed to send her there. Medical care in this country is nothing to brag about!

  231. Julie Says:

    Rosemary, Thanks for your post today. Even though my dad didn’t appear to be in severe pain, I was encouraged (by the hospice nurses) again and again to keep up with the morphine around the clock. I’m not convinced I did the right thing. My dad was vomiting bile during the last ten days. I wanted the vomiting to stop. Well, I’m not sure where I’m going with this post but thanks for yours. I’m so sad right now. I just want to hold his hand or give him a hug.

  232. sister Says:

    I am crying this morning and feel like I would have to scream and scream and scream I HATE PC CANCER!!! It is slowly killing my 45 yr old brother and I HATE IT!!! He finished 4 folfirinox treatments only to find out on scans that the cancer seems to be a step ahead…he is a wonderful husband and father to 2 beautiful 11 and 8 yr olds….how can life be doing this to them, we are seing this healthy positive fighting person hanging on with all he has and fighting with all he has…please, please don’t take him!!!!!
    Oooof…I really needed to vent and scream…we all stay strong and positive to help him fight but boys this fucking cancer brings us to our knees sometimes…so…he continues to fight…thank god he still can…I wish all of you who have lost loves ones to find peace in your hearts and to all those of us (yes…us…when a family member has cancer…we all do)…all of us need to continue to fight and pray that a cure or better treatment options be available and SOON!!!

  233. fern Says:

    My mum 47 was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in august, 25 2011 they told her she was dying she seemed fit still at this point but now little over 4 weeks shes been in so much pain, i hardly recognise her anymore its like she dont look like my mum. the hospice has let her out as shes getting married tomorow, its so heart breaking to see her like this reading these messages make me realise that pancreatic cancer is rife as iv hardly heard of it until now and they say the early signs are hard to notice, although knowing this now my mum was starting to loose weight and was less hungry all the time last september as i saw her every day i didnt notice that she was getting more ill others started to ask her if she was ill.
    its only after numerous visits and two hospital stays did a ct scan show the cancer and it had spread too far they say shes had it for two years, when she told me i grabbed her crying telling her not to leave me, seeing her tonight was really scary she could herly move and she was so full of medication she was getting confused, her feet and stomach are bloated and shes now jaundice, her arms so thin they look like they could snap, my poor mum who is only 47 and is the kindest helpful person i know its just going to be so hard when that day comes and i dont think its going to be long im dreading it, were like best friends it will be a huge gap out of my life!

  234. fern Says:

    my mun died this morning 4 weeks afterr diagnosis i dont know how i really feel i know i feel empty lost and hurt sad and angry im just happy my mum is out of pain now and greatful they found the cancer when they did i dont know what i would have done if she just died suddenly rip mum m iss you so much love you always xx

  235. sister Says:

    My sincerest sympathies fern…I feel your pain. May your sweet mother find peace…and I pray that you may also find peace…xxx

  236. evelyn Says:

    I firstly would like to just say that If I could open my arms to embrace all of you, I would …to give you all a hug..I would…for I feel your pain..after losing my beautiful angel/best friend/confidant and above all the woman who loved and adored me above any other..my mum…

    Dec 2010 she was rushed to ICU after a severe stroke, which nearly took her life, doctors kept her there under observation for a week and they operated on her and somehow made it thru many infecions, pheumonia and golden staph. She was not given any chance of remembering us, no chance of talking or communicating. But she did! My mum proved them wrong at every corner, but it was almost two steps forward one step back. Whenever we combatted one we were given more bad news.

    Eventually mum was given a chance to be looked after in a nursing home, for she needed full care. She was taken to her home town where she visited by her friends and family.

    But one day I got a call that mum was a bit yellow and they were needing to see her at the hospital. I told them ‘do it’ and they gave me the bad news, mum had an aggressive cancer of both the pancreas and liver. NO CHANCE of survival.

    We cried and agreed to give her the best send off, so morphine was what was given to her for the severe pain and she was peacefully for ten days …I slept in her room only leaving to have a shower.

    My mum is around me I know, she is my angel.

    I am going to be taking some of her ashes to spread at her family plot in chile later in november.Meanwhile, I will be doing a photographic exhibition in her honour, all works sold will be going to a charity which will aid the fight and research in this field.

    Does anyone have any leads of which charities are good?

    By the way i am in melbourne Australia

    if anyone is interested in coming along to it , please pass on your details to me: scorpiolatino@hotmail.com

    thanks
    evelyn …xx

  237. doeverge Says:

    First of all hugs to you. It’s so hard to lose your mom. I found that the best use of donations for charities would be your local hospice where they give loving care to people who are at the end stages of life. My Dad was in a wonderful hospice where they showed him the most respect and love they could possibly give.

    Dorothy

  238. fern Says:

    thank you so much evelyn it means alot i am sorry about your mum too, i just feel like iv been left without my mum far too soon i cant understand why shes gone, at her funeral iv asked for donations to the hospice where she stayed and looked after her, she was 47 and i felt she had so much more years left it makes me sad that my mum, best friend, has gone even though saying this im still finding it hard to believe even after i saw her in the funeral home i was still expecting her to wake up, if only we had found out sooner we may have been able to plan ahead or even try to battle it i guess in time it will hit me after all shes still in my mind and heart always love to everyone who has been affected or affected right now spend as long as you can as theres no definite time on this disease xx

  239. fern Says:

    I cant even describe how im feeling today yesterday was my mums funeral it just hasnt hit me yet im not feeling anything is this normal has anyone else experienced this maybe its because the last 4 weeks went so fast from diagnosis to her death not long after x

  240. Jaime Says:

    I so understand about everything going so fats from diagnosis to death :( My father also passed wihin 4 weeks. One point I thought at least he didn’t have to suffer long and the other point was I never got a chance to get use to the diagnosis let alone a death. You will feel mix emotions for a while! It does get a little easier with time but you never forget. Even know a year and half later, there are times I burst out in tears. It’s not fair how this disease has taken so many loved ones way before their time! I am sorry for your lost.

  241. Julie Says:

    I don’t know how many of you have been following my posts about my father who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 26. I was his caregiver and as the only child, I promised him he could count on me and that I would be there for him. With the help of my mom, I took care of my dad 24/7 during his most difficult times. There were several weeks when my dad was getting stronger and functioning more independently. Those were good days. Then he passed away on Sunday, September 18 on the day of my daughter’s 28th birthday. Early Tuesday morning, October 4, my mother died. We had a great weekend visiting her sisters and attending my daughter’s surprise wedding shower. We returned home on Monday, October 3 and there was no reason to believe that my mom was feeling ill. She had a great weekend. When she didn’t show up at my house at 9:30 Tuesday morning, I rushed to her house and found her on her bed. It appeared she passed away early in the morning maybe as she was starting her day. The EMT’s listed her death of natural causes. I’m in shock with disbelief. Sixteen days after my dad passed away, my mother followed.

  242. Dennise Says:

    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. Fathers are special to us – but mothers are on a level that is hard to describe. I lost my mother to PC 2 years ago and not a day goes by that I do not feel the saddness of that loss. But I watched her suffer – and that makes it all the more difficult. Your mom died without the physical suffering – yes, she was heart broken, but not suffering the anguish your father experienced. Some ask me if it is easier to lose a parent through an illness where you can prepare yourself and have time to tell them you love them, or through a sudden loss like this – the answer is neither way. Before my mom died, she asked me to stop crying, I told her – If you weren’t such a wonderful mother, I wouldn’t be so sad. Sounds like you were lucky to have wonderful parents – your saddness and shock will take time to heal. At least she is with your dad. God bless

  243. fern Says:

    so sorry julie its so sad your mum has passed as well maybe she couldnt face being without your father and died of a broken heart, it must be really difficult for your family at this sad time especially as your father hasnt long passed away, even though you are an only child atleast you have your daughters wedding and hopefully many grandchildren to look forward to, death is a very difficult especially for the people who have been left behind my young son asks daily where his nanny is and its hard trying to find the right words to say to him, my daughter is nearly 2 so she will never remember my mum im now left without a mother and a father too it is very difficult i feel robbed now my mums gone all we cam do is keep positive and remember they are no longer in pain, i often try to think of the happy times we had even though its hard take care xxx

  244. Sandy Says:

    I am sitting here reading all of your stories and sobbing. I, too, wish I could hug you all. I lost my mom on June 30, 2011 to PC. She was diagnosed in April 2011. She had been complaining of stomach discomfort since the end of December 2010. I was with her as she passed away. I am torn as to whether that was a blessing or curse. While I am glad that I was there to maybe comfort her in some way, I cannot get the images out of my head. I miss her every day. Things happen on a daily basis that I think…I have to call my mom and tell her this! That is what I always did. The realization that I can’t just pick up the phone and call her is just terrible. I am forever changed by this horrible disease.

  245. Dennise Says:

    Reading these posts reminds me so much of something I was heard –

    “Missing someone isn’t about how long it is since you’ve seen them, or the amount of time since you’ve talked. It’s about that very moment when you’re doing something, and wishing they were right there with you”….

    For some, its been months since our loved one died, for others it has been years, but in the end, time means little to a broken heart. They say it heals wounds – no, not really. Time just allows us to forgive the worst and tried to embrace the best of our memories. But it does not heal us. After 2 years since the loss of my mom, I find this board to be very comforting and I reach each and every post. Thank you all and may we find comfort in one another.

  246. fern Says:

    hi sandy i some how think it was both a blessing and curse i wish i was with my mum the day she passed away i went to see her hours before she passed she was sleeping and still breathing at that time even though her breathing was alot more heavier, i must have had a feeling as i hardly slept that night my fears come through when her husband phoned me the next day i beat myself up as i should have stayed with her we were very close and like you i dont think its hit me properly yet i still think about ringing her if something happens its so sad as im also angry nothing showed up before she started looking really ill loosing weight this january she will be in my heart and mind forever i dont think i will ever fully undestand why this has happened like many people im angry take care x

  247. Caroline Maciel Says:

    My dad died a year and a half ago from PC, to be honest I used to hate when people would ‘comfort’ me and say ‘loosing a loved one is only natural, time heals everything…” little did they know, taking my father away from me in the most horrific way isn’t natural. I was 18 when he was diagnosed, I’m 20 now. I found out when I was in Italy of July 2009 with my uncle and my sister…Italy was my dream place to visit and I finally saved enough to go there. Until I got a call from my mother after traveling that he was diagnosed. I had no idea what kind of cancer Pancreatic Cancer was, I have never heard of it. All I knew was that lung cancer was bad, and breast cancer. Till I did research and saw the low survival rate. Till then, it all spiraled down. When I say this will always have an effect on me, I can’t begin to describe why. I don’t understand how such a hard working man who just wanted to be there for his daughters and watch them move onto college had to be stripped away. And not just from an ‘accident’ from an evil disease that decided to make him suffer. He was gone only 4 months after he was diagnosed, the longest four months of my life. I’ve never really talked to any one about it, but something like this does scar you and I pray for anyone who has to deal with this or watch a loved one go through it. Yes, I’m stronger because of it but I wish I could have figured out my strength in another way. Through this disease, I saw my father cry for the first time and I hate when people say “at least you spent time with him”…meaning I was saying my last words while he was pretty much in a coma on his death bed..and I knew he wanted to cry and say how much he loved me…but he couldn’t. Pancreatic Cancer stole my dad from me and I will never understand it. Sometimes I’m in class and all I can think about is him. I try to think of him when he was healthy, but the terrible flashbacks just haunt me all the time. He was there one moment, and the next completley paralyzed.
    It still haunts me everyday but one thing I got from this is my ability to fight. I admired my dad in that way, we worked together at Honeydew which is kind of like a dunkin donuts, when he moved from portugal to america, he took over this buisness. Brilliant hard working man who barely spoke a word of english. Sometimes me and the honeydew girls would joke to him how he sounded like the vampire from sesame street :P
    He taught me to fight, and because of this I’m trying so hard in school. I work my ass off at work, trying to pick up the buisness. I want to be the best woman I can be for my father and I sure as hell hope I don’t fail.
    I could go on and on but it’s just going to make me cry and that’s something I’ve learned to hold in.
    I know he’s in a better place, I just wish he didn’t have to leave so early. He didn’t deserve it.

  248. Jennifer Says:

    If your loved one is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and you live 4000 miles away, DO NOT BELIEVE what they say about average survival of 3 to 6 months – in can go MUCH FASTER. My mother of 87 was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died just 2 weeks and two days later. No one warned me that it could progress so swiftly. So do not waste a minute and go to her side AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

  249. cat Says:

    I was fortunate enough to have my dad for a little over a year. I gave birth just a few days before my brother moved to the Philippines to be with my dad when he was diagnosed with PC. They didn’t tell me for about 2 weeks because I was still recuperating. Having my baby was great but it was tearing me up inside because I couldn’t be with my dad. Over the last year I have credit card debt of about 10k just shuttling back and forth between the US and Manila to spend time with him. Just as my family celebrated his 1 year mark of still being with us despite his worsened condition (very thin but at least he was mobile and able to walk around) things went badly from a coma due to his last chemo (docs said he shouldn’t but he wanted to continue). From that coma to his passing was about a month. Aug. 13, 2010 – Oct. 11, 2011, RIP dad. Your leaving us hurts like hell. But we continue to fight and here’s hoping medical science will one day find a cure so others like us won’t have to suffer through this cruel disease.

  250. fern Says:

    I understand you completely caroline i just cant seem to understand why my mum was taken away from me im a little older than you (25) we spent every day together we were like best friends and mother and daughter people would often mistake us for friends rather than relatives, even though its been just a few weeks since she died i just cant seem to grieve properly they do say prolonged grieving is worst but to be honest i want to take time out to properly grieve im actually worried why im not in a state at the minute, even though i think about her every day and the funny things she use to do or say i often go to ring her off my mobile and realise i cant speak to her anymore yes it is true not to believe the doctors prediction as everyones diffirent they dia say before christmas then november but sadly it was 4 weeks later i am glad my mum knew who i was up until she died she was strong all the way through even though i wanted more time with her i am glad she didnt suffer for too long, your dad would be proud of you and all the hard work your doing to make your life better i really admire you take care xx

  251. Julie Says:

    For those of you who have been following my posts, you know that I lost my father to pancreatic cancer on September 18. He passed away on my daughter’s 28th birthday (his favorite grandchild). I read all of the posts above and several mentioned vomiting and I thought, “Wow, I’m glad my dad isn’t vomiting.” Then it started happening about two weeks before he passed away. He was vomiting bile and I was there to wipe his mouth 24/7. I didn’t realize that vomiting bile could be part of the pancreatic cancer process. No doctor or hospice nurse mentioned this to me…..to prepare for it. After my dad passed away, I was busy taking care of my mother, keeping her busy and keeping her active. After a wonderful weekend in Virginia celebrating with my daughter on a surprise wedding shower, my mother died unexpectedly on Tuesday, October 4. Maybe it was a broken heart. Maybe these last five months were too much on her 87 year old body. Whatever the cause was and the medical people told me it was natural causes, I am heartbroken and miss them both. My father was also 87 and they had been married for 64 years. This morning, I had a doctor appt……trying to take care of myself now. I told her about losing my parents 16 days apart from each other and she recommended a book, “The Orphaned Adult.” It is available on amazon but I am picking it up this afternoon at our local library. I haven’t read it of course, but it sounds comforting to me. Without reading it, I recommend it.

  252. mary Says:

    My family has suffered greatly from this horrible disease. My aunt passed away from PC a few years back, and my dad just died friday september 29th from it as well. he was diagnosed early may, but he was having pain long before that. once he was diagnosed it was downhill from there. He went for the wipple procedure, but they couldn’t do it because the tumour was already so big and wrapped around an artery. After that he went for radiation but it made him so sick, and he wasn’t able to go for a second treatment. It’s been so hard going through all of this. He was only 47, and he was such a good dad. I’m only 16, and I miss him so much. my little sister is 12 and she is taking it very hard. So is my mom. Our family will never be the same because of this.

  253. fern Says:

    my mum was sick a few times after her disgnosis but that was because she wasnt taking to the liquid drugs they were giving her she spent so long in bed and didnt even want to watch her fave tv prtogrammes which wasnt like her she was so waek she got married a day before she died and she had a chair for that she didnt eat for three days before that any food or drink would just fall back out of her mouth this was very distressing to see also her feet swelled up she was in and out of sleep that day im just glad shes not suffering anymore, there isnt really any comfort for me i miss her terrible and have read all these posts back from when they started its such a cruel disease i just hope in months/years there will be more light on this type of cancer some have been able to catch it earlier on and some like my mum lived unknown with it for more than 2 years found out and died 4 weeks after rip mum love you xx

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  255. frankhwilliams Says:

    I have read all of the posts and am heartbroken for everyone who has lost a loved one to pc. I didn’t even know about pc until my wonderful, energetic, and beautiful mom got it. She had been complaining of arm pain and thought it was arthritis. She suffered with only arm pain until about October. Then she began losing weight and not having any energy to do anything. My mom was a vegetarian, worked out doing water aerobics at least three times a week and visited local thrift stores to ship daily. She had more energy than I did and was probably more healthy too. On Thanksgiving Day she passed out and we took her to the hospital and she was diagnosed with pc. We were heartbroken. My mom was a nurse and was very knowledgeable about the disease. She said, “Patients don’t live long with this.” She was warning us that if she had this, her time had come. She fought so hard and didn’t want to be fed intravenously or revived once she finally went. She was so brave. She was my best friend and confidant and now I am more alone than I’ve ever been in my life. I feel like an orphan even though I still have my dad, my husband, my 2 sons, brother and sister. She was everything to me and pc took her away from me. As the holidays approach, I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach. It’s a hold that will never go away. Her absence will stay with me forever. Doctors who misdiagnosed her disgust me. They had 7 months to diagnose her case and only tried to pacify her with pain meds which did NOT take the pain away. I watched my mom die in pain while on the strongest dose of pain meds on the market. She was sad and miserable and didn’t deserve to go this way. She always helped people and never thought of herself. I mourn her loss along with all of the other loved ones left to mourn loved ones who fell victim to this horrible disease.

  256. Krystal Says:

    My Grandfather was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on October 19,2011. Since that day it has been a drastic change for my entire family to live with this awful disease! He started complaining about stomach pain a few months back, but he was still fine. I still cant seem to understand how 4 months ago he walked me down the aisle at my wedding, and now he cant even walk on his own. Everything is happening so fast, Hospice is now at home with him, but the doctors tell us he has a few weeks to 2 months to live. My grandpa and grandma celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary 2 years ago and to think that he will no longer be here to console and take care of her daily is such a devastating thing for me to think of. Why does this cancer have to be so sudden and I can’t even hold a conversation with him anymore because it is difficult for him to talk and breathe. I pray that he will go in peace and that we can keep him with us for thanksgiving and Christmas.

  257. Robin (Ellen's only child) Little Says:

    Sitting in hospital now with my mom who has been suffering since 12/08. This disease sucks!!!! Mother was healthy; had no prior medical conditions, surgery, and never used substances such as liquor or alcohol. Read PC is linked to diabetes, well she didn’t have that either. I’m an only child sitting here watching a woman who has dedicated her life to me and her God, and there is nothing I can do. I honestly get annoyed with all the fundraisers for the other cancers when there is very little for a cancer that is so lethal and probability for cure is unlikely. There is NO prescreening for PC, and when you are diagnosed you’re in stage 3 or 4.

  258. Robin (Ellen's only child) Little Says:

    Top it off she spent Thanksgiving, het favorite holiday so sick she couldn’t eat. Then ended up in hospital the next day on my birthday.

  259. Johanne Pasionhttp://www.pancreaticcancercanada.ca/site/TR/Events/General?px=1002804&pg=personal&fr_id=1030 Says:

    Hello All, I’ve been following this blog for almost 2 years now and reading all these posts certainly bring back the memories of how I felt when my sister Dione was diagnosed in April of 2009 and died in February 2010. It still feels like yesterday, and not a day goes by where I dont think about her and why at the age of 45 she had this but I know I’m not alone. As this original post started because Kate was running for her Mom, I’m picking up the baton and running in my Sister’s memory. If anyone would like to join me in this run, I would love you to join my team.. This is in 100% support of pancreatic cancer canada so we can make a difference! My weblink is below. The run is in Burlington in March. I’m trying to do what I can to make a difference for others that are diagnosed. Thank you. Johanne

    http://www.pancreaticcancercanada.ca/site/TR/Events/General?px=1002804&pg=personal&fr_id=1030

  260. Kathryn Grant Says:

    My Mum died on 14 November in ICU – 5 days after her Whipple operation. She never recovered from her Whipples operation. She had some sort of neurological event – maybe a flair-up of the multiple sclerosis she had had for 24 years, or maybe a small stroke – they said it didn’t matter what it was, their worry was how it would affect her recovery. They were right to be worried – because she couldn’t do the deep breathing exercises she got an infection which started in her lung and swept through her body in 4 hours and killed her. We were not there. We saw her as normal that day, leaving her at 6 in the evening. She could understand us, smile and tell us she loved us, just so very, very weak. Everyone thought she was recovering, just slowly. Even her brother, a doctor, thought she would be fine. Just before midnight, we got an urgent call from the hospital – despite a 125 mph dash, we were too late. Time from diagnosis to death = 6 weeks. She was one of the ‘lucky’ 15 per cent who are caught early enough to have the operation. And there was me chastising her for not going to the doctor earlier. Irony is she never wanted the op and I told her she must have it or she would die. Of course she would make it through – I told her there was no way they would operate if they didn’t think they could get her through. Ha bloody ha. She was fine before the op – getting round the house, out and about with Dad to drive her. MS not severe, wasn’t in wheelchair, just occassionally needed a helping hand walking. She was happy, smiling, fine. Night I led her into hospital in her little white coat, hair all nicely made up, they kept us waiting 2.5 hours for a bed. She saw a taxi outside with its light on and said, “Let’s just go home.” I should have run for that taxi. Thought we would have time. I was depressed in the weeks leading up to the op – because I knew the prognosis. Should have given her a better time. I thought I would make it up to her after the op, looking after her. Ha bloody ha. Someone up there is having a jolly good laugh at my expense.

  261. Dennise Says:

    Stop! Blame does not change the outcome. If she had not had the Whipple procedure, she would have had 6 months of pain and misery and would have died anyway. Instead, you all gave her “possibility” and “hope”. I am so sorry it didn’t work. I am certain though that your mom died with dignity and grace – and did not suffer the pain that many other PC patients have – like my own mom. Find peace in your heart and grieve this terrible loss. But don’t blame yourselffor trying to help her. She would’t want that at all.

  262. genevieveg Says:

    Don’t think about it this way. Your mother would have died a horrible death, and you would have watch her waste away to the cancer over the course of only a few months at best. You were with your mom when she was diagnosed and you supported her. Think about how much she gave you and try to let it go. Live out her legacy.

  263. Sammy Says:

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  264. fern Says:

    im dreading this christmas its been a very quick 10 weeks since my mum passed and although i know shes gone in my heart and head its still confusing all i have now is pictures and memories i often think what if…. i do think that more research and money should go towards the disease, pancreatic cancer is a high risk to many people and people need to know more about it become awre of the side effects, sadly my mum lost alot of weight a year before but we thought it was down to the meds she was on for arthritis infact it was the cancer getting more agressive she only went jaundice a week before she died my poor lovely mother i love you xxx

  265. Julie Says:

    I know how you feel, Fern. I miss my father whose life was ended because of pancreatic cancer. Then 16 days later, my mother died unexpectedly. My son said cancer took them both. I miss my mother too. When I walk into their empty house where the walls are covered with photographs of them and my family, I stand there and cry.

  266. Rosemary Mangino Says:

    This is going to be very difficult for me this year — christmas. I’m 60 years old. That means I’ve had 60 christmas celebrations with my mom. But PC must have decided that 60 was enough. This year I’ll spend christmas quietly at home with my husband and reflect back on the times that I hold most precious while being with my mom. She was the anchor in our family and I can’t forgive myself for not taking a more active role in her care. She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to recuperate from a spine infection. But on the morning of May 27th at approximately 8:30 a.m. she took her last breath. Now I can only think about the 7 weeks I spent as her caregiver and how I snuggled in bed with her at night so she wouldn’t be alone. Is the pain unbearable for you too?

  267. Jen Says:

    I am so glad I found this site. First I would like to say, I’m so sorry for all the families that have to go through this. I totally understand. My boyfriend has pancreatic cancer. We have been going through it for approximately one year. First we thought it was his gallbladder, out. Then he still had pain, cancer. He had the whipple surgery in the spring. 100% cancer free! It came back on the (head of his pancreas) in the fall. Now its in his lymph nodes and Liver. His feet and legs have been swollen for about a month Not sure why?? They say its a reaction to another chemo drug he is trying. I think its his liver. He didn’t have chemo last week cause he is very weak. He is taking all kinds of med’s and vitamins. Its a struggle everyday. He’s in so much pain and has terrible gas. We just ordered a natural remedy. Hope it helps. He is tired. I love him so much. We are hoping for a miracle. God bless everyone and Happy Holidays

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  269. donna Says:

    Hi everyone, i have just sat and read all the very sad stories, my dad has just been diagnosed with pc on th 23rd december after nearly 2 weeks of constant tests, the docs have told him, he only has a few months to live, with no offer of surgery here in the uk as he is too advanced and they think the cancer has started to spread into his bowels and small intestines, so far my dad is suffering with a little stomach pain, dark urine, jaundice, blood in his feaces, he he has alot of gas which he originally thought was wind, he is taking paracetamol for the pain at the moment and his usual blood pressure etc tablets,and now after reading all your stories, i dread to think whats coming to be honest, he is 68 years old and at the moment he is walking, with a stick! as he has arthritis as well, he is very yellow and the hospital was supposed to have put a stent in to relieve his jaundice but the machine has broke so has to wait another week before it can be done, so they have given him antibiotics instead until the machine is fixed. i see him every day, each day he is losing so much weight, he was a big guy! and today of all days he looked really withdrawn in his face and poorly, but at the moment he is doing things for himself slowly, not as quick as he used to be, i am 29, a lonely child and have my husband and 3 children ages 11, 5 and 0 (7 month) and am so scared, my dad lives on his own has done for many many years now as thats how he likes it, as soon as it gets all too much for him, im thinking a hospice will be better for him, but im hoping he will go in his sleep as i dont want him to go with pain and suffering, that will make me more upset to see him like that and me being so helpless, its devasting enough to be diagnosed with this and then too see that as many of your heartbreaking stories have already said, thankyou to this website and all of your stories it has really helped me to think about whats coming and to prepare myself but to be really honest, i am still in denial, i would be greatful to anyone who could give me some reassurance or supporting words right now, so i dont feel so alone, i love my dad so much i do not want him to suffer, thankyou for all sharing your thoughts and personal stories with this site, many thanks donna xxxx

  270. Reggie Says:

    Hey Donna from U.K…..I just lost my father to pancreatic Cx on Dec 26th 2011. My father had the same symptoms as your father. I hope your father gets his stent asap. I would strongly suggest having someone with him all the time; give him comfort meds – here in the U.S. it is morphine and methadone and other meds for anxiety, agitation, nausea etc. The prognosis for this Cx is poor. Hence, I would suggest somethings which I didn’t do. Speak to him about the disease, tell him what you feel about him, tell him how you can take care of the family without him, assure him that it is ok to leave this world etc If he is spiritual, you may want a chaplin or priest to administer the last rites – this is reality my friend. The last two days were terrible when he was having his death rattle. We were by his side all the time. My aunt is a cancer nurse and she was at his house the last day. She told me that sometimes patient do not let go if close siblings are around. My brother, sister and I just left the room for a minute and he was gone. God Bless his soul.
    Donna, please spend time with him now and communicate with him while you have a chance. I wish your father, you and your family the strength to cope with this disease.
    P.S. The comfort meds did relieve him of his pain. Whenever, he would awake, we would ask him if he is hurting. He always said no.

  271. jen Says:

    Reggie, I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your family. Donna’s too. I wrote above Donna’s blog. I understand. We were trying to decide if he should go to the hospital tonight. He’s in so much pain. We have it under control now with the help of more med’s and with the power of prayer. It sucks cause he is so sleepy. Its been a hard year. He’s fighting so hard. I’m just blessed that he woke up in my arms this morning. Night.

  272. VickyC Says:

    Just lost my Father yesterday to pancreatic cancer. He was a proud Scotsman in denial of the “menace” stealing his lifeforce. I am so in tune with all of you who have lost or losing, not only a family member but a friend as well. I battled in my mind the injustice of the end decided by Doctors and nurses to make him comfortable….morphine for 9 days with nothing else to sustain him…got angry at the system for a bit, thinking there surely must be a better way…but in the end accepted I had to let him be. Play their absolute favourite music…hold their hand and tell them not to worry for “we will be alright”. My Dad was just waiting for my brother to arrive… unfinished business he had to meet ! He was then happy to let go of this life to go the next adventure. The sounds of bagpipes playing Amazing Grace has made my cry buckets of tears the past few days…getting sick of people handing me tissues ! I just want to cry and have a messy face. Beam lots of love their way, and let your friend take care of the rest. God bless you all !

  273. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Update 1… thankyou for all those who commented with help and assurance…..my dad still hasnt had the stent in as he panicked last week, so today is the day hopefully the stent can be put in to release his jaundice, its been since 23rd dec 2011, that he has waited for this stent to be insterted, fingers crossed will work this afternoon…. his mood swings and swearing and confusion is becoming worse as well, its awful to watch him deteriate right infront of my eyes…….praying very hard, please Lord, dont let him suffer xxx

  274. Julie Says:

    Praying for you too, Donna. I know too well what you are going through.

  275. jen Says:

    My honey died two days ago from pancreatic cancer. I loved posting my thoughts and reading others on this great site. The last day in the hospital was horrible. But he’s not hurting anymore. My heart hurts so bad.He was young and tough. I thought he would have beat it but i guess the Lord wanted him. God bless the families that have to deal with this.

  276. toni Says:

    My dad died less than a week after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Most athletic 58 year old guy; playing volleyball against 20 year olds (and beating them!) suddenly dead a week later. God help us bear this cross. My heart goes out to anyone who had to watch their loved ones suffer; and the ongoing suffering of that which is gone.

  277. Rosie Says:

    Thank you – all of you — helping me through the loss of my mom — 7 months ago to PC. Reading your posts doesn’t take away the pain, but there’s some comfort in knowing that somebody understands.
    I love my mom so damn much…it just hurts and hurts and hurts….

  278. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    update 2….. My dad has had his stent fitted and feels much better straight away, going to enjoy this precious time we have with him…….as doc has only give him a few months to live….. please, please, dont let him suffer, please xxx

    p.s. i love this site, i feel i can say how i feel with no judgement as everyone has been or going through exactly whats happening to our family, thankyou everyone x

  279. Reggie Says:

    Hi Donna……I am so happy that your dad got his stent. I was reading this site everyday just to check to see of you wrote that he got one. Enjoy your time with him. Take lots of pictures and videos – albeit discreetly . I hope and pray that you get many months and years with your father…..Reggie

  280. Reggie Says:

    Jen…..I am sorry to hear about your boy friend passing. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. May the Lord give you and your family the strength to deal with the loss.
    Its been two weeks since my father passed away and I still grieving his loss. Its very hard on my mother; they’ve been married for 56 years….Reggie

  281. Dina Rachelia Says:

    My mom diagnose with PC 7 months ago and her condition getting worst and worst. Her body refuse a food and vomiting almost 5-6 times a day. we are living in Jakarta – Indonesia when there is no much good doctor or specialist to handle this type of virus.
    Reading all your stories really help me to handle my deep sadness feeling … She is a tough & strong lady, since our father left us long long time ago she acted like a mother also a father for me and my brother. We only can pray if there is a miracle for her … amin

  282. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    update 3….Hi Reggie, thankyou for your kind words and support, im so sorry to hear about your father, i hope you and your mum is coping as best she can xxx so sorry to hear your partner passing Jen, like you said he isnt hurting anymore and will be at peace now xxx And Dina, im so sorry to hear your mum is suffering, i pray for that miracle for you xxx thinking of you all lots xxx, lots of love sent with this message, my heart goes out to you all xxxxxx My dad is still the same, but is weaker than before, i still pray he wont suffer xxxxxxx

  283. DEE DEE ESTEVAN Says:

    i also lost my mom of PC…. she found out on a thursday of 07 and had surgery on Sunday survived the surgery with no signs of cancer spreading and did not make it out of the hospital. She died on Nov. 7th 2007. Im still having a hard time with this. I miss her very much.

  284. fern Says:

    the pain of loosing my mum is still present she was such a healthy 47 year old looking back all the signs were there the weight loss, but the jaundice didnt appear until a week before she died, even writing this i feel numb and feel like its all a big dream but it isnt i have taken some comfort in having my mums ashes in my home especially over christmas it was very hard but it does give me some comfort knowing i still have some of her with me.
    Ive read everyones posts since i last wrote on here i feel for you all it is a very difficult confusing time, my mum died exactly four weeks after diagnosis, everyone grieves at diffirent times it didnt effect me until 3 weeks later my world came crashing down it does feel a little better knowing she didnt suffer for ages, at times it was unbearable to see her change so much i miss her more than anyone could understand all i have now is pictures and memories rip mum love you 26/09/2011 xx

  285. jayhuman Says:

    i have also a painfull life of my mother by p. c.i will write all about her soon, udaipur rajasthan pvt. hospital are shameful, they killed my mother painfully

  286. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Aww Jayhuman……..im so sorry to hear this xx

    I feel for you too Fern xxx

    My dad is still suffering from this horrible condition, found out on 23/12/2011, no surgery, cure, treatment or anything, i prey that he will go peacefully xxxx LOVE YOU DAD WITH ALL MY HEART XXX

  287. rosina Says:

    jayhuman: I want to hear more. Likewise my mom died in suffering…somethng that the palliative care facility said would not happen.

  288. jayhuman Says:

    my knoewledge of english is not good so i am trying to write about my lovely mother, i will publish soon on this site, my mothertongue is hindi, if anyone like to talk on this he can call me on mob. no. +919828253617 in hindi, i read hear many of painfull stories, i am very very sad for all of them, i have a broken heart and i am very weak and unable who could not done anything for my mother, i pray for everyone god do miracle for them

  289. james grant Says:

    Just pray and be right with jesus as your savior and lord of your life.

  290. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Hi, please dont judge me………my dad has suffered now for 7 weeks since diagnosis, he is so thin!!, and has lost a considerable amount of weight, he has stomach pain, a stent in to relieve his jaundice, he wont have anymore tests done, which i understand he has the right to do…..he groans about his stomach going “round and round”, when he goes to the toilet, its either constipated or diarrhea, he started vomiting whilst on the toilet and then he became constantly sick, (which was horrible to watch) he hasnt eaten properly for weeks, as far as i know he hasnt eaten anything for 2 days with little sips of water as the butterfly is in his arm now to inject anti sickness fluid which is helping……he is suffering now, which i didnt want him to do, he is sleeping more now, and has no energy at all, how long is this going to go on for?, he is becoming very moody and nasty as the pain id hitting him hard, can anyone give me their personal experiences….i know its a timebomb waiting to go off, but i just dont want my dad to suffer anymore…..my prayers not to let my dad suffer are not working xxxx

  291. Johanne Says:

    Hi there,I’m so sorry to hear about what your dad is going thru and as having a sister that went thru this is very painful for all. The
    most important thing right now is to ensure his morphine drip is properly set as this will allow him to be pain free as there is nothing worse then watching them suffer so much. My heart and prayers r wih u.

  292. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Thanks Johanne xxx

  293. Julie Says:

    I know what you are going through. Reading your post brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know what other cancers are like but watching pancreatic cancer take my dad’s life seemed to me to be the worst of the cancers. I miss my dad so much. prayers for you, your dad and your family….. Julie

  294. Dina Rachelia Says:

    Hi there, also make sure he get nutrition and salt water through IV so he will not feel so weak … Lets hope there will be no long suffer for them and hope miracles will come for them… My heart and prayer are with you all xxxx

  295. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Thankyou Julie and Dina xxx

  296. GL Says:

    Hi everyone, my Dad has been diagnosed with secondary cancer of the pancreas with no cure available, I have been searching the internet for some answers as to why he can’t be treated and stumbled upon this forum. Reading the stories of people here going through the same turmoil as me lessens some of the nightmare I am going through. I don’t think my dad has long to live and would like to tell him something that I have never said and that is to say I Love you dad xx

  297. Julie Says:

    GL, you are not alone. hold your dad and tell him you love him. be there to help him. we all know what you are going through. ~Julie

  298. rosina Says:

    All the prayers in the world will not change the outcome of PC. It’s fatal and in a very short period of time you will see your dad, the one you love absolutely, get weaker and weaker with each passing day. Toward the end he won’t eat, he’ll retain water, his stomach will bloat and he will be so much pain. I lost my mom 8 months ago and when I close my eyes I still see and feel the anguish we experienced watching everything spiral down so rapidly.
    It did bring to light one important thing for me — god is NOT good, god is NOT kind, got is NOT merciful. There was absolutely no reason why my mom had to endure what she did!!! If there is a god, he’s got a warped sense of humor.

  299. Julie Says:

    Rosina, I witnessed the same thing as you with my father. I have had the same feelings and thoughts as you. My dad was a good, caring man to all. In all my 59 years, I never heard him curse or lose his temper. He was a very patient man all his life who never complained or gossiped. I wonder too why he had to suffer at the end. Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. ~Julie

  300. Loraine Lezaja Says:

    My mom was just diagnosed 1 month ago. She has had I chemo treatment and is due for the second on Wed. She is feeling worse everyday and says the food just won’t go down I am beside myself with grief and worry!

  301. jayhuman Says:

    i heard about a herbal drug for cancer named ” sarvapisthi” of d.s.research center, varanasi, india, i think it may be helpful in cancer, because it is very popular in india, please collect proven data and find reality about this drug, can this work or not, if not please expose fraud persons and please also use wheat grass juice several time a day it gives more energy

  302. claire evans Says:

    after reading this posts, im brought to tears. i am 31, have 3 beautiful children all very young and recently under went a wipple surgery to remove a tumor from my pancreas. every day is a struggle but my familys love a support bring me through. I am very lucky i found my tumor by chance and it has not spread. im a fighter and ive been given the all clear. 4 months ago i thought i was going to say goodbye to my babies and husband but each day i know, hope and pray ill watch my babies grow and ill grow old too.

  303. mrs donna mortenson Says:

    Hi Claire, i am 30, a lonely child, with 3 lovely children and a husband just like you, my kids are, 11, 5 and 8 months, congratulations on the all clear……..you have been lucky and have been given like a second chance to life itself in a way, dont waste it, fulfilll all of your dreams, wishing you all the best for your future with your beloved family,
    Donna xxx
    unfortunatley for us, it wasnt caught in time, its too late for my dad who is suffering and has been told only a few months to live, his symptoms are becoming worse as each day passes…i often come onto this site to know that we are not the only ones in this boat, he is soooo brave and i think you are too, he is going to the hospice tomorrow, just packing his suitcase now……all my love donna xxx

  304. claire Says:

    thankyou for sharing. my kids are just 2, 4 and 6. My thoughts go out to you and your family. Your dad is a very strong man and is very blessed to have your support. Everyday can be a battle but its how we take on that batlle can make the difference.xxx you are in my heart donnaxxxx

  305. Randi Cox Says:

    I hate pancreatic cancer too!!! It can go to hell!! Today is a year since my mom was diagnosed with it. I lost her on March 28th of last year!!! I was only 17..she was the closest person to me and I miss her so much! :’(

  306. Deborah Martinez Says:

    I am a 53 years old woman and I was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I believe that this is a blessing because I have a few months to get my life in order with God. He has only lent us to this earth and now it will be time to go back home. I have tried to live a good life with my husband of 35 years and my four beautiful children and two grandchildren. I know I will suffer but I would much rather suffer here on earth than up in purgatory. Because for every one day we suffer here on earth it is work one year in purgatory. I want to pay for all my sins and be cleansed to go be with my father in heaven. For all of you who have lost a loved one. Don’t be sad they are not suffering anymore. Its the ones left behind that suffer more. God bless you all

  307. donna mortenson Says:

    UPDATE………….hi everyone, just to let you all know my dad passed away today, he lost the battle and gave up……..he is no longer suffering anymore, hope you are at peace now dad, love you forever and always in my heart xxxxxxxxx diagnosed 23/12/2011, died peacefully at home 12/03/2012 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx LUV U DAD MISS YOU SOOOOO MUCH ALREADY XXXXXX

  308. Dina Rachelia Says:

    My Deep Condolence to you and your family donna … I also lost my mom on March 4, 2012 and she diagnosed on May 25, 2011 actually doctor said she will survive less than 6 months but GOD gave her extra 2 beautiful months for me and my mom … Yess I believe they are at peace now xxxxx

  309. Reggie Says:

    Donna…..Please accept my heartfelt sympathies. I feel your pain. Please know that you did everything that you could for your father. At least he is not suffering anymore. Thank you for keeping us updated of your fathers conditon. It been about three month since my dad passed away – the pain lingers.
    The best thing that you could do is keep yourself busy.
    What else can I say except: be kind, do good and be truthful. God Bless you and your family.

  310. Sally Says:

    Hi everyone,
    This sight has brought me tears but also comfort in some ways as I feel very lonely right now. I have a lovely family, but my Mum was diagnosed today with PC. My biggest fear is the pain that some of your talk about, I feel an imense sense of responsibly to do every thing humanly possible to keep her from too much pain. Please can I ask for some advice from people as to the best treatments available for this horrific disease?

  311. Ted Says:

    Gods a dick if he exists. He took the most wonderful wife and mother from me and my children and didn’t have the balls to explain what “infinite” logic he used to cause such pain and hurt. Fuck god. I don’t believe anymore. He should have answered my prayers and took me instead! Fuck you god! Been 12 years and NOTHING’S GOT BETTER!!!! Pain is always present and no fucking human being has any answers! If he’s all powerful and all knowing, if he exists, FUCKING WHY!!!! WHAT A 24 CARROT DICK GOD IS IF HE EXISTS AT ALL!!! Fucking narcissistic prick if he exists, which I feel more and more he doesn’t. At the very least, in my EXTREMELY finite mortal intellengence, I can figure out that removing a being I am supposed to be the “father” of, why in the fuck would I choose to cause, or at the very least, NOT to use my ”
    infinite power” not to save my children, and instead, KILL THEM!!! What a morbid prick!! Maybe I should try another suopernatural avenue with the satan crap, since I see the fucking ghost stories and possesion shit, maybe he has the power. Sure seems to have more influence then the all powerful Oz we call god. Guess I finally grew up at 57 years old and realized I’m not in Kansas anymore and it’s all bullshit. Hope you have better “luck” than my family did. Luck appears to be all that is. You either got it or you don’t and I’m fucked.

  312. Ted Says:

    I must post an apology to all on this site for my profanity expressed in my earlier post. As you can see, time does not heal all wounds. For a while, I thought that the pain just got number, but was ever present nonetheless. I watched my two daughters grow from ages 13 and 16 at the time my wife was ROBBED of her life, into beautiful people. One still hates god and one bought into the BS of eternal life. I had to figure out how to explain to my daughters how to take care of the most intimate details of personal hygeine that a father should never talk about with a daughter, because of my wifes death. They missed their mom being there for them for their first date, their graduation, their marriage, and the birth of her granddaughter. How wonderful this “god” is. What a compassionate entity. What a great role model for “fatherhood” this alleged god is. My anger and animosity has only intensified and faith has waned since this terrible event. I have now become the epitomy of the perfect realist. I now operate on pure logic in my life. There will never be my old self again. I have come to realize that my life is purely dictated by chance, luck and I can affect certain portions by my immediate action choices, but most certainly, not any immortal entity or anything else. I truly wish the best for all here who are going through this nightmare, and don’t end up the bitter hateful person I have become. Good luck.

  313. Ted Says:

    I remember clearly, the last evening. She was in pain, and I gave her the prescribed dose of pure morphine. By the time I went back to the bedroom, she was looking up, as if in amazement, motionless. Almost had a serene smile on her face with eyes wide open. I began CPR while tring to call 911. I’m crying while typing this, but I need to do this. There was no response and the lady on the phone kept asking me where I lived. I concentyrated on taking care of my girl I took her last breath and left the roo to go to my daughters who were crying in the next room, knowing there was something wrong. All I could do was hold them and comfort them. I miss her so much. I just don’t understand,.

  314. Ted Says:

    I’m sorry everyone.

  315. Ted Says:

    Donna Marie Hofstetter
    7/22/55-1/23/2000
    RIP Honey

  316. donna mortenson Says:

    Hi Ted, im so sorry to hear of your story and with so much passion and honesty too……….I can see you are still hurting and just so wish i could take your pain away. You have your girls to remind you of what a lovely lady Donna Marie Hofstetter sounds to be, you speak so highly of her……im so sorry Ted, to you and your family……I lost my beautiful dad only a few days ago 12/03/2012, age 67, i am feeling pain too and also hate this horrible pc, he suffered for 11 weeks from diagnosis xx
    Take Care Ted, I hope to hear from you soon, Take it Easy xxxxx sending lots of love with this message xxxx
    if you or anyone wants to email me direct you can too: donnamorty@live.co.uk
    Lots of Love Donna xxxxx

  317. Johanne Says:

    Dear Ted, I’m so sorry and completely agree with your sentiments about god. My sister who died I’d pancreatic cancer in 2010 was only 45 too and left behind a husband and two small children. I feel your pain and am sick of the saying tha time heals as it only makes is bearable and as well god bless you .. More contentious phrases. You’re not alone and my thoughts are with u. Take care.

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  319. Rosina Says:

    Response to Ted – March 21 My total and complete sentiments — I hear over and over — God is good, god is merciful, god isl kind. He loves us like a father loves their children. Who came up with that crap!! Has anyone looked around at t he world around us. The pain, murder, suffering, hunger, slaughter. What kind of “god” would set up a construct where in order for a living creature to live and thrive they must kill, slaughter and eat another living creature. What brutality!!! And don’t tell me it was all because of Adam and Eve — nothing that they did justifies the pain we all experience every single day of our lives. I was raised Roman Catholic – 16 years of parochial teaching. Born Again, later converted to Mormonism…None of them can explain away the trials and pain of life except to say “that’s it’s God’s plan”. Well, guess what — he’s one sick …sucker.

  320. Rosina Says:

    Don’t let the doctors treat your mother like a piece of cattle. They need to address her needs individually. Don’t let them dope her up so she just lies there drooling. Make sure you know exactly what the doctors are doing and why. Don’t assume that they are doing what’s best for her. The bottom line is that they base their care on a patient’s age and their own determination on whether to utilize medical procedures and treatments at their disposal. It’s a money issue to them. And don’t let them talk you into a home for her. YOU will take far better care of her because you love her — they don’t. My sister arrived at my mother palliative care unit after work and found an unopened package of cream of wheat sitting on a tray near my mom’s bed. My mom was too weak to prepare her own breakfast and nobody gave a damn. And at Sloan Kettering in New York, my sister went to seem mom during the day (she took time off from work) and found my mom laying there with tried vomit on her face and clothes. If you want to keep her comfortable — you need to take care of her care even if it means making a pain of yourself.

  321. Ted Says:

    I first wish to offer my heartfelt thanks demonstrated on this site from all who responded to me with such love and understanding. In a like manner, I also offer back to each and every one of you my love, and just don’t know how to convey a close, loving hug, in type.
    I read many posts here and though our paths may have been somewhat different, we have all, or will have, arrived at the same destination. It is not a desiraeble, comfortable or pleasing place to be. It is in fact, the most emotionally and spritually devastating, painful and trying place I have ever been, and would wish it on no one. I find myself one day a hateful, furious person, mad at god, and the next day, asking his forgiveness for the terrible things I said. One day I find comfort with my distance from him, and the next, his love being the only solace to keep me from going insane. Each and every one of you will have to find your own way in which to deal with your particular tragedy, and I truly pray you do a better job than I have.
    At this moment, I am again facing mortality through the loss of another dear soul in my life, and again, I find myself analizing the how and whys’. I can only come to the ultimate conclusion that there is no method to the madness. Due to it being the easter season, I reflect on my departed wifes and mine, involvement with the church, throughout the course of our life together.I feel like I have sullied our shared beliefs that we both cherished for so many years, because of my inability to grasp the faith with which I was taught to use as a shield from the insanity and pain of the world.
    How I wish I had either the knowledge to understand this puzzle or the ignorance to be able not to care. Unfortunately, I was “blessed” with cognicent thought and and analytical mind, that places my heart and mind smack in the middle of a perfect storm. I’m not sure why I’m on this site. Perhaps, on some level, I am going through the healing process, (did I really say that?) or operating on auto-pilot and this is how my mind is establishing a “survival mode”.
    All I can say for certain is that, to this day, 12 years later, I’m still desperately in love with my wife and miss her terribly. As crazy as it sounds, even to hold my first granddaughter, born last July, is painful because of the familiarity I see in her beautiful features, that remind me of my Donna. And the famialiarity reminds me of the pain. And the guilt begins to compound. And the cycle endlessly repeats itself. It truly is, infinite sadness. If you can hear my heart and read my words god, make it stop. I just want to be normal again.

  322. Julie Says:

    Thinking of everyone who lost their loved ones to pancreatic cancer. It’s not only holidays we feel their absence, it’s everyday. It’s been six months since I lost my father to pancreatic cancer and then my mom followed 16 days later because of a broken heart. My heart is broken too and I feel so much sadness every minute. I wish I could feel better about life. And I don’t know where to begin to discard, move, save, etc. their belongings from their home. I miss them so much.

  323. sarah Says:

    my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2010 he has been living for 2 years im only 13 yrs old and i have 3 sisters and 1 brother im the oldest of 5. my mum and i have been most affected hes still alive but hes not gonna make it to see 2013, i have been so depressed every time i see him i wish it never happened to my family i wish it never happened to anyone, but the stupid part about pc is that you dont care much bout cancer until it happens to you or your family. the youngest of my family is 3yrs old and the other 4yrs old, My dad was suppost to be dead in less then three months thats what the doctor told him when he was diagnosed, but my dad sais that the doctors wont look after you if you have cancer cause they always think theres no hope…. my dads mother and his sister passed away with cancer when i was 3 but my dad said the doctors told him that they choose who lives and who dies….but please people out there dont do the radiation stuff do the alternative the radiation not only kills your cancer cells but also your blood sells and it makes you more sick research shows that more people die faster when they do radiation than the alternative way which is carrot juicing,johanna budwig ( which is flaxseed oil and cottage cheese i know it sounds crazy but it helps trust me),also keeping your acid levels down in your body and keep your alkaline levels high……you may think the doctors are right when they say do kimo or radiation but its just another chance for them to earn some more money….please people dont have that, if you go organic on most of your foods such as dairy items, you may just prolong your life or someone in your family’s life even if theyre suppost to be dead in 3 months or 3 weeks just stay away from sugar also cause sugar feeds cancer………im not making this up it worked on my father and my father has had alot of help from others who have survived cancer by doing the alternative route…..i know i said my father is dying but he is now every time i stare into his eyes they just look more and more yellow ( which means that the liver is shutting down) but also to prolong your lives dont get an operation on it or try getting it removed if its this vicious…why you may ask? cause research shows that 90% of the time you get a bit cut out at your operation you may feel better for a week or so but when they cut it they spread it, my dad unfortunately did that and he has spread his all around his body so its gonna be intensley hard when im by his side at his last hours……..just one more tip theres something known as entelev or protocel it kills cancer in under 6 weeks so thats what were trying now but everybody dont give up hope if you stop trying you might just loose someone very near to you so keep on keepin on.

  324. nick Says:

    hey guys you shouldnt blame god for what were going through its not gods world its satans he does this to us…..i am a christian and you should read your bible it will show you that we humans die because adam and eve sinned eve disobeyed god when god said you can eat fruit off any tree but if you eat off that tree you will surely die…but you see satan tricked eve to eat off the tree by saying god only says this so you do not become as powerful as him, if you eat off this tree you will become like god….so eve disobeyed god and ate off the tree and she gave adam some too….so god punished them by banning them from the garden of eden forever and also said that them and theyre offspring will grow old and die….so its thanks to satan that humans are no longer perfect.

  325. Matt K Says:

    My mum was diagnosed with PC about 6 weeks ago due to her jaundice condition. She had a stent put in and then developed pancreatitis which kept her at Brighams Hospital for about two weeks. She has not eaten a thing, other than a bite of this or that since this time. Her IV fluids from the hospital left her very bloated and last week they tapped her tummy and removed 10 lbs of fluid. After a nightmare experience with one oncologist, she has been assigned a new one who is caring and supportive. One who gave her hope and thus she agreed to begin chemo which was last Friday. Since Friday, she has become progressively weaker and weaker. I know this is largely due to the chemo but also due to the absolute lack of nutrition her body needs to stay alive. I feel so helpless… it seems as though there is nothing I can do. She is on morphine all day every day. She will not accept hospice nor will she accept a feeding tube.I already miss my mum’s nagging and words of advise. Her agony is the worst thing I have ever personally experienced and I am having a hard time focusing on work, my family or really anything other than her. Some days I am so mad at people who are not being supportive but I suppose people have a hard time being comfortable with these situation as it may force them to look at their own mortality. Other days, it is all I can do to keep myself from vomiting from all my tears. I for one accept that my mum will pass, as will I someday. My daughter and I pray for her every night. Mostly I pray for her pass peacefully and to stop her pain. I know that her motivation to fight for her life is for me and my daughter. She would like to have one good week with us down on the shore and to see my little girl play in the sand… one last time. I too would give anything to make that happen. I love her so much and she of all people in my life has had the greatest impact on me. I would not be half the man I am without her. Prayers and thoughts to you all and to those loved ones who are suffering. And FUCK pancreatic cancer.

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  327. Jordana Says:

    Holy shit. This page is insane. I haven’t gone through all of the stories on here because there are just so many…they span 5 years… Fuck pancreatic cancer, is all I can say. I lost my mom, my best friend, to pancreatic cancer almost 12 years ago. She died six months after her diagnosis following an incredibly long and courageous battle. I still miss her every single day and it makes me so sad and angry that so many of these stories are so similar! There should be better statistics than there were 12 fucking years ago… I am so sorry for all of you. Fuck pancreatic cancer. This needs to change.

  328. haze Says:

    my mother was diagnose with pancreatic cancer and just went trough surgery after reading all of these story i cant help to ball out into tears she is currently still in the hospital and hope fully will be out within 4-6 weeks she dosnt look to healthy she lost rapid weight i am currently 25 years old and still in my first year of collage am scared really am knowing this 5 years span bullshit makes me hate it even more…..i know as son i havn’t been to good to her i have had my yells with her back and forth,the advices she would give me and i would ignore….she truly has been my angle from above i just wish i could tell her that right now while i have the chance but cant help and ball into tears and cause more of pain to her man fuck this cancer

  329. Johanne Says:

    So sorry to hear and fully understand your anger. Tell her everything you can. It will make you feel better. Hopefully and I’m sure the surgery has bot her more time. My sister died at 45 from this dreaded disease and there isn’t a day that goes by where I dont think about her. Take care

  330. Lee Says:

    My wife of 22 years passed away October 21 from this miserable disease. She was diagnosed Sept 21. Everyone, including the doctors tell me there was nothing that could have been done – by anyone. Yet I feel like I should have been able to do something. Talk about a living hell for anyone who has lost a battle with PC, or has lost a loved one from it.

  331. donna mortenson Says:

    I miss my dad sooo much xxxx he suffered so much with this HORRIBLE CANCER, LUV U DAD FOREVER, UNTILL WE MEET AGAIN XXXXXXXXXX

    so sorry to hear of any other losses from pc xxxx

  332. Don Bohling Says:

    Reading these stories is like reliving my mom’s final month. 4 wks from diagnosis till gone. All I can tell anyone afflicted by this ,or caring for someone who is, is make yourself as comfortable as you can and load up on the pain killers – make sure they are dispensed “as scheduled” not “as needed”. This takes the leeway in administering them out of the hands of the nurse(s) on duty and keeps the meds coming on a regular basis. There is no point in suffering needlessly. We found hospice to helpful because care is needed 24X7. The folks who work there are wonderful.

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  337. Debbie Says:

    Pancreatic Cancer took my Mother from me on 4/23/2004. She was diagnosed on 3/5/2004. I’ve never hated something so much and I hate it more and more every day. I was 30 when I lost her. I now have a 3 year old son. I can see her in his face. I am angry that she’s not here to experience it all with me. I’m angry and I feel so cheated. I am thankful for the years I had with her but, this sorrow and emptiness will never go away. I HATE Pancreatic Cancer!!!!!

  338. Beloved Daughter Says:

    I lost my precious father on October 14, 2012 to Stage IV pancreatic cancer. My world has turned upside down. I think about him constantly. But I know we will meet again one day. Until then, I will do all I can to make him proud of me.

  339. Kent Says:

    Hi I have been reading this blog over the last 4 days.

    My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Thursday, March 28, 2013. Her 70th birthday was two days later on the 30th. My family is still in disbelief. My mom has never been sick other than very minor things.

    She is jaundiced but the doctor gave her some hope saying that it hasn’t yet spread and she may be able to have surgery. We meet with the surgeon at noon tomorrow. It is unreal that this disease cannot be diagnosed earlier, and that there isn’t more awareness. I’ve never even heard of it before.

    My dad has had colon cancer, lymphoma and now diabetes (insulin dependant). He is 76 and is showing signs of dementia. He keeps saying that the DR’s are going to make my mom better. It hurts to hear that when I know the reality but all they have right now is hope and I support them 100%.

    I love my mom so much and miss her already. I spend every spare second I have beside her, but also try to give her space that she needs. I am thankful that she was able to live 70 years, and feel for those who have lost their loved ones much earlier.

    For everyone who has posted here, thank you for sharing your stories and feelings. My heart is with all of you.

  340. Johanne Says:

    Hi Kent, so sorry to hear that.. I do hope they are able to surgically remove the tumor. My thoughts are with you! Stay strong for your family.

  341. donna mortenson Says:

    hi i know what your going through, keep strong, my thoughts and prayers are with you all xxx

  342. Kent Says:

    Thank you for the replies and the support.

    Update – my mom went in today and had a stent put in to relieve her bile duct, and hopefully fix the jaundice.

    The comments the nurse read from the surgeon stated “stent inserted, draining well”. She had blood taken as well. She is not in pain at all. She says she is not that tired either.

    She goes back in next week to see another surgeon. They are not really giving us too much info as to what they are going to be doing. I guess when our family doctor gets the update he will tell us.

  343. donna mortenson Says:

    hi, thanks for your update, my dad became jaundice beginning of dec 2012 ( or so we moticed it )and had blood tests, many scans and was diagnosed with pc 23rd dec 2012, the tumour was big and at 1st they sed they maybe able to operate but his age 67 was against him, and the tumour was big he then had s stent put in ( he was a little tense and stressed but he was in no pain)
    january 2013 my dad started becoming sick and hiccupping, it was relieved with sick medication on a driver, then feb and march again sickness real bad couldnt get the medication right, my dad was poorly, no pain , sickness was his worst, my dad love him with all my heart passed 12th. march 2013 (so quick since diagnosis) witj no warning, a bout of sickness too far, hope this story helps you a little, i dont want to upset you but this is what happened to us, of need to ask anything i am here to be truthfull to you, do everything you can for your loved one, lots of love and thoughts and prayers xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  347. Catherine Says:

    I have been diagnosed with pc, I am 51, female and it I now in my lymph nodes and has metastasized to my brain. I feel fine…..I am on a brain swelling steroid med that helps with pain. I plan to fight this but of course I don’t know how long I have. I hope for the best

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  351. Johanne Says:

    Dear Catherine, so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.. If I can help in anyway, please do not hesitate to ask.. My sister passed away from pc at the age of 45 and from the point of diagnosis to her death it was 10 months. There really is no magic number. Having hope and strength will carry you far. Xoxo

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  355. rose Says:

    PC is horrible… my dad died last Thursday from PC, he was diagnosed just on the Monday. It took the hospital over 2 months to figure out what was wrong with him and to finally give him his diagnosis, he just deteriorated so quickly. Hopefully they will be able to improve early detection in the future.

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  357. James Says:

    My uncle, people called him Iron man, he could fix anything from a passenger jet (literally a retired aircraft engineer) to your bedroom light. Whom I looked upon for help and guidance all my life, considered him a role model is dying due to PC, this awful disease, he is only 75 yo, was better than many 45 yo.

    He was fine, fit, active, energetic mid to late April, 2013. Complained about constipation a lot, used a lot of laxative. Went to see the doctors, one of them suggested an ultra-sound, than a CT scan and he was a Cancer patient in Stage-IV, given a max of 04 months to live. Un f***** believable, he went from “60 to zero in few days”.

    Then he developed Jaundice in mid May, 2013, they put a drain in his gallbladder, wasn’t able to put a stent, and sent him home. He started loosing weight, pound(s) daily, went from 200 lb, to like 160 lb in few days. But he was still lively, involved in his treatment decisions, home matters, and yelling at family kids, as he always did.

    Up until last week (late June, 2013), we were thinking that he is going to live past September, when my wife is going to deliver a baby, and he may be able to see my daughter. We even thought, he may live beyond 2013, he looked OK, he ate, he talked, he walked.

    But suddenly, start of July, things turned south. He developed blockage in his GI, his stomach filled with blood, he stopped eating, and they have put him in ICU. Now he has stopped talking, he tries, words do not come out of his mouth. Pain is severe, and they have put him on morphine, he is sleeping … deep sleeps… and we are just heart broken. Waiting for the inevitable.

    Do not know what the next hour or day bring, will he ever talk back to us? Will he say anything before he go … is he in lot of pain?

    We are upset, at the disease, at the lack of early detection, at the lack of treatment options. At the death, to take him so quick like this…

    Thanks for listening!

  358. Dennise Says:

    I understand and truly feel the pain, shock and disbelief that you have expressed. My mom at the age of 63 – a beautiful and healthy woman – thought she had gall stones. Instead, she was diagnosed with stage 4 PC and gone within 5 months. They say time heals the pain of losing someone – I think time allows us to accept that a tragic thing has happened. The pain is still with me 3 years later.
    A few months after my mom died. I read an amazing story about a 15 year old boy who found an early detection system for PC – his name is Jack Andraka. He lost an uncle to this disease and had an idea…. I can’t help but think that there is hope out there. I follow him on Facebook – but you can read about his resent science achievement awards

  359. donna mortenson Says:

    im so sorry to hear your story……,i think your being so brave, special thoughts and prayers xxx

  360. James Says:

    Thank you for your comments, my uncle passed away over this weekend (14th July). His last 28 hours were ugliest and we could not see him suffering anymore. His pain practically disconnected him from this world, his eyes open starred at ceiling and he was continuously moaning like the pain was excruciating, pulsating, morphine wasn’t any help anymore. We asked for propofol, they refused. His blood pressure was all over, he had fever, his bile was black, his pee was dark brown. The moment he stopped breathing, we took a breath of relief. It was heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and very tiring.

    It is time for reflection, it is time for grief…

  361. Julie Says:

    James… so sorry about your uncle. When I read your story it was almost identical to what happened with my father. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and when I saw him 2 days later he could hardly speak. I lost him a week later. Hope you find some peace in that your uncle is no longer suffering. It’s been 3 1/2 years and I still think about him most days. Allow yourself to grieve.

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  363. Kyle Says:

    On the 27th of July I lost my mother. She was someone i was extremely close to, she was 51, and we are having the funeral tomorrow. I find myself walking around the house talking as if she is still with me, which she very well is, in spirit. She was diagnosed with Hepatitis a week before my birthday and spent 8 weeks feeling ill before a CT scan discovered the cancer on the head of her pancreas and the subsequent spread to her liver. Dispite the loss of appetite, nausea and vomiting, severe weight loss and weakness, she smiled till the end. She passed gently at around 7:40am in the morning at home with her family which is what she and all of us wanted. Now i spend my time wishing life would hurry up so i can be reunited with her in the afterlife. I will always love my mother.

  364. Julie Says:

    Kyle, You have spoken these words so beautifully. I am so sorry for your loss. We all know what you have gone through.

  365. James Says:

    Kyle,

    So sorry to hear about your loss. Parents are irreplaceable asset. She would want you to live longer and prosper, so will you, may you find peace.

    James

  366. Pam Says:

    I was diagnosed with this 4 weeks ago & am scared to death (poor choice of words I guess). Hardest part is pretending to be strong for my family when I know what the outcome will be.

  367. donna mortenson Says:

    hi pam, thankyou for sharing your personal story….it must be sooo hard for you not mention how u must b feeling, overwhelmed, shocked and very uncertain, i remember when my dad was diagnosed….. it wasnt a very nice place to be at that time. i know you say you are being strong for your family, you must be true to yourself… if u need to cry or let it all out, ur family will understand ur frustration and heartache, they will be feeling like this too, i wish you all the best if you need to talk to someone who has been through something similar (my dad, i am his only daughter and there is no other family on my dads side of family) then email me donnamorty@live.co.uk , love and thoughts donna xxx

  368. Johanne Says:

    Hi Pam, I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.. And perhaps there is hope that it may be treatable? Perhaps not, but you are so brave to want to protect your family, but open yourself and your heart and share your feelings and thoughts.. Perhaps create a journal for your family to share.. My sister Dione died three years ago at the age of 45 from pc. She barely had a full life.. But we certainly made the most of he last few months.. Like Donna, I’m here for you if you have any questions, need support.. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. Big hugs! Johanne johanne.pasion@gmail.com. Xoxo

  369. Alan Says:

    I am losing my mom to PC. She probably only has a few weeks left. Like all the other relatives of the cancer sufferers, it hurts soooo much right now. She is a selfless person, always going above and beyond to help others, even now while she’s dying. She is also very kind and loving. It will be a physical relief for her once it ends, but the thought of losing my mom so soon is almost unbearable.

    Worse, I haven’t been a good son, and took her presence for granted. Now I’m regretting all the years that I could have made her life better but didn’t. I regret not telling her how much I love her and appreciated her. It’s a lesson I was too stubborn and stupid to learn until now. But it’s too fucking late. Words do not replace actions. I, too, fucking hate this disease. Of all the cancers in the world why PC? I hate to see her suffer like this and I hated that it was already stage 4 when she was diagnosed. If I could exchange my life for hers I would gladly do so.

  370. Kyle Says:

    Alan, I know exactly how you feel, even with the feeling that we wish we could’ve appreciated our Mom’s more. Nothing can prepare you for what is ahead, just take it day by day, emotion by emotion and know you are not alone. Tell her everyday till the end how wonderful she has been and how much you love her.

  371. Rebecca DeHaan Morris Says:

    My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last Dec and died beginning of Feb.2013. It spread to her liver,lungs,in and around all her organs. She must of had it for years. There has got to be a test to take early on to beat this cancer.

  372. Dottie Henderson Says:

    OMG! I have read all you stories! I came to this site because I wanted answers. I just lost my beloved husband on August 5, 2013 after he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer on July 10th, 2013. He passed away at home 2 days after our 39th wedding anniversary at the young age of 59 years old. I am devastated! How do you get through this pain and saddness? I can barely make it through work every day. I f-ing hate PC too!! Why can we find a cure or early detection??

  373. Charlene Says:

    Thank you all for your posts. :) My heart breaks for all of you and your recent losses. This disease is truly devastating. I am in the process of waiting for test results. I’ve gone from ultrasound, to CT Scan to MRI……all in hopes of trying to diagnose what the mass is in my liver and in my pancreas. Obviously, the concern in cancer. My comfort and peace comes from trusting in Jesus with my life and health. Worry does no good. Praying does. :) God has me in His care. Thank you for letting me share.

  374. dad'sgirl Says:

    Hi, I’m new here and first want to say to anyone reading this that my prayers are with you. You’re obviously here because you or someone you love has fought or is battling this horrible disease. I’m looking for some guidance. My dad was diagnosed on Sept 25 of this year with Stage 4 PC… biopsy of liver showed it’s aggressive and docs told him he only has months to live. We are praying that he beats the statistics. He had no symptoms and has been very healthy – the diagnosis came as such a shock and is truly heartbreaking. To see him, you wouldn’t know he is sick. He has gone through 3 doses of chemo with minimal side effects. He is my mom’s caregiver. She’s in OK health but has early stage Alzheimer’s. She doesn’t realize how forgetful she is and gets quite defensive and paranoid. They live at home. Although I cannot even fathom the thought, the time is going to come when my dad goes. My dad, my siblings and I are more than concerned about my mom living on her own. Has anyone had an experience like this? We need guidance.

  375. Julie Says:

    Dear Dad’s Girl: Wow! What you are describing was my situation two years ago. My father was diagnosed with PC on May 26 of 2011 and by September 18, 2011, he passed away. Same situation where he took care of my mom. I requested a FMLA and I was my dad’s caregiver keeping him out of a nursing home. My dear mother passed away unexpectedly 16 days after my father. In my case, I do not have any siblings so I would advise that you and your siblings pull together and take turns caring for your mom and dad. Very difficult situation. Let your parents know you love them. Ask friends and other people for help.

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  377. Christina Says:

    I’m so sorry to everyone that is going through this, and the families that struggle with losing someone from this terrible cancer. I HATE pancreatic cancer with a passion, its a disgusting cancer and i wish it never existed.

    I lost my mom December 15, 2013…A month ago today, I was at her wake confused, lonely, devastated. She was my life, my best friend, my everything..I walk around my house feeling lost, looking at her stuff trying to find a reason why God had to take her. There never will be a reason why, He needed an angel and he took my mom. Life is not fair, This is hell being here, I’m 24 years old and wish i could be with her forever, One day I will. I hate being here without her, Im so sad all the time she is all i think about. I can’t imagine how i’m going to get through this life without her, my milestones, getting married, having kids and having her not be around them. I’m sad, confused, scared, angry. I feel bad for my Dad who has been married to her for 36 years…He feels the same way I do. My dad and I tried to do anything and everything for her, for her to beat this although we knew the odds were slim. We had her at the best hospitals and had the best doctors taking care of her. It just wasn’t enough. She fought for close to 2 years, this cancer is like a roller coaster. I never thought i’d be sitting here today writing that i lost my mom, It still feels like a dream, like I’m in a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. If anyone would like to reach out or talk and is going through the same thing feel free to email me; cbaccello2007@hotmail.com

    My mom enjoyed gardening, the beach, hanging out in the pool and her backyard, shopping at Macy’s for clothes and shoes, being with her family, going on vacation, getting a manicure/pedicure, going to dinner every saturday night, I’m going to miss doing all of this with her. She worked at a college and loved her co-workers. She was also very close to God. She would do anything for anybody she was smiling all the time, even when she got sick. She participated in the Pancreatic Cancer walk at Jones Beach, NY on October 14, 2012, with me and a bunch of our family and friends. In 2013 she wasn’t able to make the walk. My family and friends still walked without her in honor of all those who are fighting, and those who passed from this. Everything I did had to do with her, I’m so broken. I will be getting a tattoo for her on February 6th 2014, I have a hard time going out of the house without something of hers with me so this will give me some peace. I know she will always be with me in my heart and watching over me, But if I physically have something of hers It really helps me out a lot.

    Since my mom passed, I’ve gotten many signs that she is okay in heaven. I’ve had a dream of her telling me she’s okay. These I learned are called visitations where your loved ones that passed are letting you know they are safe.

    I will never ever forget you my “Little Mom” who was the biggest person I knew. She was there for me throughout everything and would do anything for me in the blink of an eye. She comforted me at my lowest points in my life and guided me during hard decisions. She had the biggest heart and she will forever be my Hero. My best friend always. I love you mom more then anything in this world. I can’t wait to be with you one day. I will make you proud here on earth and will never ever forget all the good times we had. You are so precious to me, and you will always be my Bestfriend, Fly High & Rest in Paradise. God Bless you always.

  378. Dorothy Says:

    I am so sorry Christina that you had to lose your mom at such a young age. She sounds like she was a wonderful person and you have many incredible memories of her. That is a blessing. I wish you strength and courage as the months go by. I too lost my mom when I was quite young, almost 25 years ago and I sill talk to her almost every day. I know she watches over me with my sister and my dad. They are my angels. You will find a new path in your life with time and the sun will shine again. xo Dorothy

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  382. Shannon Says:

    My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February of 2012. It was such a shock to our family because you always hear stories of people who get cancer and you always feel so awful for them but you never really expect it to happen to your loved one. My dad was the person next to my mum that I told everything to. I went to him for everything. Seeing him get sick and watch his health decline, I was scared. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I hated seeing him like that. He had lost a lot of weight and just wasn’t himself. I remember going up to his room one morning and just laying in bed with him and he was looking up all these pancreatic cancer survivor stories. it was heartbreaking to see. he was scared I could see it in his eyes but he was such a fighter and was so strong for my brother and I. His health got worse and there were complications and the next thing I knew he would be in the hospital for weeks at a time. Father’s Day came around and we went to the hospital to see him. This was just a couple days after we were told there was nothing they could do anymore, there was no more treatment they could give him because it wasn’t working. and he had chosen to go home and spend his last days with his kids. Sadly, Father’s Day was the day when everything went wrong and in the blink of an eye, he was dying. He died on June 18, 2012. I was 15 and a freshman in high school. I’m now a junior and 17. it’s weird to say it was two years ago because it feels like it was yesterday. this is the worst thing that I’ve ever had to go through, grieving the loss of someone who was supposed to be there for a lot longer. He was only 57 and didn’t deserve to go through everything he did. it’s the worst feeling in the world knowing he won’t be here to see me get my license or graduate high school or go off to college or walk me down the aisle at my wedding. there is no greater pain I’ve felt in my life than losing my dad. cancer is so scary and the amount of lives it takes and effects is unbelievable. cancer affects families and friends and loved ones and having to bear the loss of a parent since the age of 15 is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over.
    I love you dad

  383. Christina Baccello Says:

    I’m so so sorry for your loss. I feel the same way from losing my mom to PC :( it’s hard at a young age

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  385. Julie Says:

    You are not alone. You have the same identical feelings as we all do. My condolences to you. My father was 87 and I was 59. It didn’t matter….it was still very difficult and I miss him very much. Take care and be strong…..

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